Ruler of Everything
by meriyanna
Summary: I realized with despair that though I had tried to trick myself, told myself that it was just friendship, I had fallen a little more every day. Each time he had smiled, the kind he saved for those closest to him, he put a chink in my armor. Every laugh we shared weakened my resolve. Any look cast in my direction slowly carved a path to my heart.
1. Chapter 1

A/N:

Inspired by  
The Ruler of Everything by Tally Hall and how nearly every Oikawa fic has him being an abuser. I thought it was time to show him a little love. The next 8 chaps are already written, I just want to see if there is interest in this story before I continue.

ALSO, although I am super smitten with Iwaoi, I would much rather have them be friends. I think the fetishizing of homosexuality is a big issue in anime, especially recently and especially with sports anime. Men should be encouraged to have close friendships with each other without being gay. Same for women. So, no matter how amazing the Iwaoi fics/art/headcannons are, I love the idea of their friendship more.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 1

The Ruler of Everything (PLEASE read the disclaimer before reading)

The gym was silent for a beat after the small kid from Karasuno slammed the ball right passed Oikawa before the opposing team erupted into cheers. I could see the surprise on the captains face; it had been too fast to react to. My hand flew up to cover my smirk and I turned away to hide my obvious satisfaction. _To think two first years could bring him down a notch_. I bit my lip and continued pushing the soft, wide dust mop across the edge of the gym floor, sure to gather the dust that accumulated. It was a pretty menial task but it was one I still took pride in.

Despite being decently athletic I'd never really tried my hardest during team sports. If I had passively been doing better than average I made sure to hinder my abilities to prevent undue attention from the coaches. It'd happened during every physical education class. Being slightly shorter than average made me perfect point during basketball and my ability to dribble with little effort always gave me advantage. I quickly noticed the interest of the teacher and began to let the ball fall out of my grasp during key moments. It upset my team and the teachers mouth pressed into a thin line but I wasn't pushed to perform any better. I think she knew what I was doing but my actions told her I likely would never join any sports club.

It was like that for everything but volleyball was the worst. My older brothers had both played volleyball aggressively at Aobajosai and I, as the littlest sibling and only sister, had been eager to play with them. I had never liked the sport itself, at least not in the way they did, but I had played my best in order to keep them playing with me. They had both had a natural knack for the sport, something I did not inherit from our father, but the constant practice had given me time to reach a level I never would have on my own. I excelled in strategy and reading opponents which tended to make up for my lack of talent. When they left for University I had little use for my skills and, despite encouragement from my family, never pursued volleyball as a club activity.

But, somehow, I couldn't stay out of the gym. It was possible that learning everything I could about the sport had marked me permanently because the gym sounded like a place I belonged. Squeaking of rubber-bottomed shoes over the sleek, shiny wooden floor, calls between teammates as they worked in real-time to strategize and beat their opponents, the soft pat of a set, loud smack of a serve or spike, thump of a receive. It felt so good, being there, and it made my brothers seem closer to me in spirit.

I still had no desire to play myself so I asked to be one of the caretakers of the gym. Our school was large and the space accommodated the many members of our acclaimed volleyball team. In order to keep the athletes focused on their practice Coach Irihata had long ago requested the gym be kept clean and cared for to reduce the requirements by his players.

Cut to my current position as broom-pusher and floor polisher, giddy like an idiot because the only person that could possibly ruin volleyball for me had just been beaten. Our players looked at each other with obstinate glares and I felt for all except one. The ball had slowed to a stop serendipitously at my feet and I lifted it with one, small hand and smiled. I hated to admit that it felt good every time I held one and cursed my brothers for brainwashing me.

"Hey." A voice called to me and my nostalgia was cut short. I felt the smile slowly turn down and turned left toward the court to see Oikawa Tooru sauntering toward me. His usual smugness had once again fallen over his face after recovering from his initial shock. _So predictable,_ I thought, _his only emotions seem to be arrogance and confidence - a dangerous cocktail of self absorption._ He stopped just a few feet away and I felt the difference in our hight viscerally; the feeling of being cast in the shadow of a monument. My stomach flipped but my will was immovable. I would not be intimidated.

"Your fans are thrilled at your return." I spoke softly with no inflection, practiced n keeping emotion out of my voice. To any regular observer my comment might have seemed like a simple statement but to someone like Oikawa my taunt would have been evident. I held back a smile as his eyes narrowed in challenge. The smile he gave was wide and charming and completely fake.

"Oh dear, that almost sounds like you aren't one." He clutched at his chest and spoke in earnest and injured tone. More acting, more fake.

I leaned the handle of the dust mop onto the wall and grasped the volleyball with both hands. "On the contrary," I stepped toward him and pushed the ball into his chest where he grabbed it reflexively, but I didn't let go, "I'm your BIGGEST fan." The exaggeration and sarcasm could be no clearer and I had the satisfaction of seeing some confusion in his eyes before turning away and continuing the task of swallowing up dust mites with my fluffy broom. I tried to hide just how much my hands were shaking.

* * *

 _Idiot, idiot, idiot._ I felt a scowl on my face and tried to reposition my expression into an emotionless mask once again. _Why would I say something like that? The interaction could be so benign. He probably wasn't going to say anything to me, he was just waiting for the ball but I just HAD to open my mouth. What happened to staying under the radar? That's where you live, idiot. UNDER the radar where no one bothers you and your life is free of complications._ I was furious as I began gathering stray volleyballs into the large cart. The other caretakers and players were taking down the net on the opposite side, leaving me alone to mentally abuse myself.

I picked up the last ball and squeezed it hard between my hands. I had knowingly taunted the most popular athlete in school. The most prideful, vain, self obsessed athlete at that. There was no hope for me now. If at any point he decided to treat me poorly for what I'd said it would quickly trickle down to all of his fans and the juniors who worshipped him. If he took any action after my blatant mocking, and I was sure he would, my carefully secluded life would certainly shatter around me.

With no other thought in my head I ran forward and threw the ball into the air before jumping and striking it with all my might over the net that had been left on this side of the gym. I felt the grim satisfaction of using my whole force for one small moment and suddenly realized I had not been alone. I looked toward my audience in terror. The three boys who made up the rest of the gym cleaning crew looked at me in awe including Yamada Reo, the student in charge, who had been welcoming to the only girl on the crew. He had been sure that I was only there to see Oikawa, as many other girls had before me, but after speaking with me he found me to be level headed and honest about wanting to do simple cleaning work. _How must I look to him now?_

"Forgive me Captain. Forgive me Yamada-san!" It killed me to have to apologize to Oikawa for the disturbance and I could not bring myself to look at him after I stood from my bow. I quickly pushed the ball cart into the hallway and hurried toward the equipment room, thankful to be out of sight. Standing in the darkness I deflated and leaned against the door frame for support. I would have to go back in there and I would have to return the next day, and continue returning until graduation. The commitment I made had been so easy; spending time quietly tidying up after the volleyball team had been the simplest commitment to make and I had made it through more than two years without incident.

"Idiot." I said to myself in the darkness of the room.

"Nakahara?" Yamada's voice startled me and I stepped out into the bright light of the hallway. He was holding the ball I had served and smiling reassuringly. "Wow! You shouldn't be sweeping, you should be playing!" His praise made me blush and I looked away, glancing to my right nervously. He followed my gaze down the hall toward the gym doors.

The ball sailed over my head as Yamada threw it in with the rest and I returned my gaze to him. My mouth opened, an apology on my lips, but he beat me to it, "No need to say it again. Tell me though, is everything alright?"

I paused, of course Yamada would ask that. I had never done anything like that since we had begun caring for the gym together our first year. It was out of character and Yamada, possibly the schoolmate closest to me after Aoi-chan, was bound to come around with questions. "Ah, I just learned that Haru will not be coming home for Golden week." The lie was easy, I had indeed been disappointed when he told me he had to stay in Tokyo.

"I see, it's been a while since he's been home, correct?" I nodded in affirmation. "Well then why don't you head out now? We're almost done anyway. Go call Haru and give him a piece of your mind!"

I smiled, unable to prevent myself from letting gout a small giggle at the thought of how flustered Haru would be if I yelled at him. "Thank you, I promise tomorrow I will not be so embarrassing." I fought the urge to look away in shame once again and turned to leave.

"Oh, Nakahara?" I turned back halfway to see a small blush cover his cheeks, "No need to be so formal, you know? We've known each other for years!"

I beamed at him, "Okay! See you in homeroom, Yamada-kun!" His ears lit up bright red. It was not light me to be so familiar but my mood had been lifted and it felt natural as I'd said it. We really had known each other for a long time.

I turned and walked the last few steps to the gym quickly and rounded the corner without looking to find myself bumping into the chest of Oikawa Tooru. He was solid and hard and my small frame bounced harshly off of him and I stumbled back, just barely keeping my balance. _I've done something to anger the universe. I've done something horrible and awful because there can't be another explanation for this._ It seemed forces were working against me, pushing me into embarrassing interactions with the unofficial ruler of our high school.

My deprecating thoughts were abruptly ended when he turned to the side to give me room to pass through the doorway. The heat of a blush lit my face and I looked up at him, appalled to be in his presence again in such a short period of time in such similar circumstances. The surprise at my sudden entrance was still on his face, soon replaced by…what? I felt my eyes widen as I tried to make sense of the obviously apologetic expression. Had he ever looked this way before? His body was still turned to the side and he gestured for me to pass. My face burned with redness I couldn't control and I ducked my head quickly, I'd been staring for far too long, and muttered a 'thank you' as I passed.

My fingers hurriedly loosened my long braid and worked through my hair nervously as I headed toward my bag. What was that look? It had felt genuine which was undeniably the reason I was so unsettled. My head turned back to the door as I reached down to grab my things just in time to see those brown eyes still on me before he and Iwaizumi Hajime exited the gym. I wanted to sink down to the floor right then and wallow in my feelings of dread but there were still too many players and custodians cleaning that I was forced to exit the second gym entrance, thankfully, opposite to where Oikawa had been.

The courtyard was clear of students and I ran to my bike before that could change. I prepared to swing my leg over to ride when I remember what Yamada-kun had recommended I do. _Yes, If I call Haru I can calm myself down._ Walking with my bike at my side I pulled out my phone and punched in the numbers from memory. He picked up on the second ring.

* * *

"Yamada." oikawa called out to the boy as he locked up the equipment room. He ran a hand over his sandy blonde hair as he turned toward the captain.

"Oikawa, was there something left undone?" He questioned.

"No, you all did a perfect job," his usual, easy grin quickly made Yamada feel comfortable, as it did most. "I wanted to know the name of the girl who left early." He noted the defensive posture the other student took as soon as she was mentioned. Playing on the emotion he leaned back in a non-threatening stance to put Yamada at ease.

Yamada took a moment before he laughed at himself for his sudden suspicion. "I thought you'd know, she's been here since first year." He joked at the athlete in front of him, not knowing how easily he had been manipulated.

The irritation he felt did not reach the surface. Instead, Oikawa held his arms out wide and pasted a contrite look on his face, "It seems I'm not without my faults after all. Learning her name would be the first step in atoning for my shortcoming." Repeating himself was a bother. He nearly sighed but was distracted by the harrumph from behind him and turned to scowl at Iwaizumi.

"Her name is Nakahara Himari," Yamada began with a presumptive tone, "but if you're thinking of trying to 'woo' her you're out of luck. She made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you."

At that Oikawa could not contain his interest, "I wonder why you sound so sure of that?" His question was honest, without hostility, as the information replayed in his mind.

"Well, we always ask prospective members, especially females, if they're just doing this to get close to the players. Your name in particular," Yamada pointed at Oikawa, "is used when interviewing due to the high number of fans you have." Oikawa had the decency to look abashed, "It's easy to tell by their face once they hear 'Oikawa Tooru' if they're just looking to try to be near you."

The explanation was uttered in a casual tone but it was easy to tell that he was particularly proud of the vetting process. There was silence in response and he continued, "Nakahara-chan didn't so much as blink and then she said, 'I can assure you, I want nothing to do with him'" he mimicked a female voice and cracked up laughing.

Oikawa's mouth pressed in a thin line and he himself mirrored Yamada, laughing as well, "I've never been more humbled!" He declared, this time ignoring the grunt from Iwaizumi, "My thanks, Yamada. See you tomorrow."

Iwaizumi spoke first as they exited the building, "Nakahara. Isn't that the name of some of Aobajosai's best players?"

"Nakahara Haru led the team to nationals the year we joined. The oldest brother, Hinata, did the same for his team three years prior. There were two years that overlapped when both brothers were here. Those two years we beat Shiratorizawa in every match." The information bubbled past his lips without much thought. He had been surprised to learn that the girl cleaning the floor of dirt and grime was related to two school legends. The unpracticed but skillful jump serve from this afternoon flashed in his mind again and he decided he was no longer surprised. She had obviously learned that from someone.

"So, she's basically a legacy. How embarrassing that she said openly how she despises you." Iwaizumi said with a face of stony impassivity.

Oikawa jumped away from him, "Iwai-chan," he whined, "how can you be so cruel! She never said 'despise'!" His whines followed his friend until they split ways toward their respective homes.

* * *

Looking for Betas for all three of my ongoing fics. I first need one because sometimes when I'm not excited about a certain chapter I need to have some guidance and/or additional ideas. Second, I need one to just keep me updating regularly. I'm a big procrastinator. So. :)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: SO I'm super excited about this story and 1 follower is enough for me to update. Enjoy, you!

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

Another Story to Tell

* * *

"Himari, don't forget to leave your bio at home today. Hint's train gets in a short time before your club activities end so take the bus with him, okay?"

"Yes." I verified for the third time that week that I understood the itinerary. As always my mother's habit of micromanaging, something she had picked up from work, had found it's way into our lives.

"And have you taken your medicine this morning?" She turned to me now, taking a break from packing her bento.

"Yes. At seven on the minute." I responded lightly, ignoring the thinly veiled concern in her gaze. She sighed and returned to her task. Wiping a stray bit of breakfast from my mouth I quickly cleaned my mess and smoothed my uniform. The pleats in my patterned, light-brown skirt were crisp; my white, perfectly tailored dress shirt and cream vest were free of stains or wrinkles; my lilac blazer was comfortably fitted and clasped at the waist with bright silver buttons. I checked the red ribbon around my shirt collar to make sure the bow was perfectly tied and then grabbed my school bag and my sports duffle and headed to the bus.

 _Sometimes taking the bus is a nice break,_ I thought as I pulled the assignments due to day onto my lap, checking them once again for errors. Riding my bike daily had been a self-imposed task due to to both my aversion to running and my desire to remain healthy and fit, _but occasionally I should indulge myself_. I stared out the window and enjoyed the sights of the bus route. This too would be refreshing to see after so many days of biking through the same scenery.

In my appreciation of what passed outside I failed to notice the new passengers until I felt the hairs on my neck prickle. Turning, I searched for the eyes I knew were on me and found two pairs. Two players I wasn't too familiar with, but dressed in the signature turquoise of our school, sat not too far away blatantly staring at me. Immediately, I turned back to the window. Those stares had been happening for the near two weeks that had passed since my outburst in the gym. _On second thought, the bus seems a bit too crowded. Biking will be much more comfortable._

I counted my blessings that it had only been odd looks instead of something else. Ridicule or questions or even requests to join the girls volleyball club would all have been much worse. At least I could deal with the staring internally. If I'd been put into the spotlight I'm sure I would have had…uncomfortable flashbacks.

As it is with all new things my appeal to the two boys faded quickly and they fell into conversation with each other. I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding and sunk into my seat a little bit. Hopefully the coming holiday week off and the absence of seeing me daily would snuff out any further interest in me and the next shocking thing could draw their attention.

I waited for them to exit the bus first and slowly trailed toward the school behind them while trying to be as quiet as possible. "Ma-ri!" I winced at the joyful voice that shattered the silence. She ran from the school and passing the players in front of me and crashed into me with a hug. They stared incredulously at her bountiful energy that knew no bounds, including the early hour in which she was screaming.

"Aoi-chan, you are passionate as always, but do we have to hug every morning?" I spoke at nearly a whisper and glanced toward the boys, glad to see that they'd continued walking.

"What? Are you kidding me? We're best friends, you're supposed to be happy to see me!" She sounded offended but I knew it didn't go very deep. I mutter a 'yes' in agreeance, biting back a smile, and she seemed satisfied enough to dive right in to the topic of her choosing. I let myself be carried away in conversation. When I was with Aoi I didn't have to try so hard to be happy. Her brightness was infections, not to mention she was the main supplier of information while I responded quietly here and there.

* * *

After changing into the white and teal track suit I surveyed the gym. _Hmmm. The only people staring today are Satoshi-kun and Kenshin-kun. That's progress_. Out of the many people currently in the gym they were the only ones whose eyes constantly flicked over to me. It was understandable that they would be some of the last people interested. The two second years wouldn't have known the Nakahara name like the third years or even the younger players in the volleyball club. Talk of my brother's accomplishments circulated through school after Haru left, mainly consisting of speculations on whether the team would remain competitive in their absence.

That was a bad year for me after I'd joined the custodial crew. Whispers, assumptions about why the youngest of the three, supposedly talented, Nakahara siblings was mopping up after players instead of playing herself. My personal favorite had been that I didn't have any ability and that my application to be manager of the boys club had been rejected, making me so desperate to be involved that I had settled for cleaning the ground they walked on.

 _Yeah, that sounds like me._ I joked with myself, smiling now at the rumors that had made my first year hell. I noticed Hajime looking my direction with a raised eyebrow and hurriedly continued setting up the net.

When all the players had arrived Coach Irihata called them all together to, presumably, talk about their training schedule for the upcoming holiday week. During these routine pre-practice meetings it was typical of the volunteers to clean any areas that would be clear during practice such as bathrooms, hallways, and club rooms before going back to maintain the gym. I shuttered as Yamada looked over the duties list to see what areas we would all be assigned to. I shuddered thinking of having bathroom duties two days in a row but was pleasantly surprised when I'd been named for club duty.

The club room was usually pretty easy work. Aside from hallway duty it was probably the easiest to manage alone. I took an initial look at the room to gauge where to start. Some stray bits of trash would need to be picked up first, then clearing the benches of personal belongings and putting them in the bin at the front for players to collect after practice. After tidying I would look to see if there were any stray items in the unused lockers before wet mopping the floors.

Carrying the trash can I began to gather the garbage from the floor, placing any non-trash items on the benches to put in the lost and found later. _Is that a…_ my thoughts trailed off as I bent down to grab the small, purple rectangle. _It is._ I flipped the lighter over in my hand twice before I realized what I was doing.

"This is not good." I whispered and clutched the lighter tight in my right hand. My left ghosted over my hip bone on the same size and, shaking, I fell backward onto the bench.

My brain began to send signals to my body without my consent and my thumb pressed down on the striker, rolling the metal wheel and sending a spark of electricity to light the gas. A perfect, orange flame flickered around before I released the wheel. The smell of burned gas filled my senses with dangerous recollection and I lit the disposable lighter once again.

The flame had me mesmerized and I had no recollection of time but I must have been missing long enough to be noticeable. Yamada opened the door and I looked toward him, eyes not quite locking on to their target. The fire began to burn my thumb and I blinked furiously, remembering that the sensation was bad and I looked at the raw, pink mark. A burn… my attention was drawn to the mark that had been left by the heat of the fire, ignoring the obviously concerned Yamada still frozen in the doorway.

"Nakahara?" He said, uncertain, successfully drawing my gaze. I tried to drop the lighter but found it grasped tightly in my hand. My left hip began to ache and I became frightened.

"Please go get Iwaizumi-san." My words pushed past my throat, suddenly dry and raw as if I had inhaled the fire. His eyebrows came together and I knew it was an absolutely inappropriate request.

"Naka-"

"Please! It has to be him. Make up an excuse if you need to but please bring him here." The panic I'd begun to feel bubbled to the surface and I began shaking with the fear of a relapse. _But you've already failed. You already burnt yourself._ I braced myself on the bench with both hands, fighting against the urge to curl into myself. There was no time for me to register the confusion and hurt on Yamada's face as he turned away. I was too busy keeping my mind from breaking.

* * *

Four players practiced receiving in pairs on the far side of the gym. Each varied from setting the ball in a high arc to slamming the ball at a sharp angle in an effort to challenge their partner. Oikawa, even in his deep focus, noticed the lead custodian jogging toward them with concern on his face. _He's about to interrupt our practice,_ he concluded and began to work up his best 'responsible-captain' speech in which he would chastise Yamada for distracting them after their embarrassing loss to Karasuno.

He caught the ball instead of passing and waited for the boy to approach him with whatever odd bit of information he'd deemed important enough to disturb practice. To his surprise, and chagrin, Yamada stopped some yards away and instead spoke to Iwaizumi. Oikawa walked forward slightly miffed at being ignored and tried to insert himself into the conversation.

"…Problem with your locker in the club room." He hear the tail end of Yamada's explanation as he neared. His eyes narrowed, the custodian seemed distressed; sweat began to build on his brow.

Oikawa opened his mouth to question the truthfulness of his statement when Iwaizumi suddenly headed toward the club room. "Huh?" He couldn't help the surprise he felt at his friends retreating figure, "Hey, Iwa-chan, wait to do that until after practice. Oi! Are you listen-" the words were cut off by a dark glare from Iwaizumi and Oikawa muttered something about the other 'taking himself too seriously'.

"Just keep practicing until I come back." Iwaizumi ordered as he turned away once more. He too had noticed the stress behind Yamada's thin excuse to get him to the club room. There was definitely something more but the custodian, whose he had barely any interaction with, had come to him directly for some reason.

Curious but too wary of his friends what Oikawa called over another teammate to receive with.

* * *

The club door opened quickly and, again, my body moved of it's own accord, jumping from the bench and backing into a corner of the room. My shaking hands still clutched the lighter and pressed against my chest as if trying to slow the erratic beating of my heard. It took a moment for my brain to register that there was no danger in the two familiar figures in the doorway.

"Hajikun." I whispered and felt relief flood through me. He turned to Yamada as he took a step into the room.

"Keep this door closed and don't let anyone come in until we leave. Especially that idiot captain." Hajikun said and entered the room fully, closing the door behind him. His eyes stared directly into mind and I could see the softness just under the surface of his, seemingly permanent, impassive expression, "Mari."

His voice almost made me burst into tears. Instead, I clutched my chest tighter, "Hajikun, I'm so sorry, We're not supposed to talk to each other outside group meetings but-" my words were abruptly stopped as he walked toward me slowly. He grabbed my shoulder with gentle hands and led me to the bench. I sat down and my eyes widened as he crouched in front of me, _so gentle_.

"Mari, the group is anonymous for your protection but if you're not safe then what's the point?" I knew he had seen the lighter despite my hands tightly gripping it. _That's right, fire isn't safe_. I worked through the thought in my head. It seemed so obvious, so elementary, that my brain almost didn't recall the most important piece of information regarding my history with fire. _I used to hurt myself with fire. I shouldn't be near fire._ My hip ached.

It was like looking at a photo through dirty glass. I would always know what was in the photo but my mind clouded the image. The image here was self harm, the smoky glass was my brain wanting to prevent time from hurting myself while fighting a sick compulsion to do just that. No matter how long it had been since the last relapse, no matter how happy I was, I would always have to fight against the fuzzy part of my brain. 'That sometimes happens,' the therapist had said, 'when you've experienced a trauma'.

"Mari," Hajikun's voice brought me back to the present, "will you please give me the lighter?" My eyes fell to my hands, white-knuckled, around the purple rectangle. I looked back at him and he nodded in encouragement. My arms stretched toward him, toward his open palm and placed both of my hands in his right.

Biting my lip I realized I couldn't let go but before I could voice my shame another large, warm hand gently worked my fingers away from the lighter. When it was free he tucked it away in his clothes and returned his hand to hold my own.

"You did the right thing asking Yamada to get me." I bobbed my head to show I was listening, "Anonymity is important for you and I but staying alive and healthy overrides that every time. You _always_ call me if you need me." He wasn't looking for verification, he wasn't ordering, he was pleading and I knew why.

"Okay," I whispered and he suddenly pulled me into a tight embrace, and I knew why. I held him with all my strength, hoping to express my gratitude in that small gesture. "It was never your fault." I hadn't intended to say it to him. It wasn't a subject he discussed outside our group. He stilled for a moment and the next I felt his fingers tighten on my track jacket. I smiled slightly, sadly, into his shoulder. _I can be there for him too_.

When we parted I noticed his eyes were glassy but said nothing. His face and voice were stern and steady as ever when he said, "You should leave for the day."

My head whipped back and forth, "I can't. I shouldn't be by myself. Besides, Hinata's train won't arrive for a while and we're riding the bus home together." His lips pressed into a thin line and I could tell he wanted to argue. Sighing he pulled me with him as he stood and gave my hands a firm squeeze before releasing.

"Fine, but tell Hinata what happened when you meet him. You're not alone." His eyes pierced right through me and I knew I'd have to acquiesce I gave him a small but genuine smile and he seemed to take that as an acceptable response and led me to the door.

When he pushed it open we could see Yamada standing not too far away with concern painted across his face. Seeing my lips turned up in a smile he visibly relaxed although his concern was quickly replaced by jealousy. _Oh, Yamada. You should work on keeping your emotions off your face_. Hajikun began walking away and I couldn't help but call out, "Thank you for your help, _Iwaizumi-san_." I saw his mouth twitch, holding in a smile, but he said nothing and continued back to the gym.

Turning to Yamada now I saw my predicament clearly. He was concerned, confused, hurt, and jealous and my options were limited as to what explanation I could give. I wasn't ready to add him to the small circle of people who knew my past but I had to mollify him. I could only hope that I was not giving him any false hope as I did so.

"Yamada-kun, thank you and I'm sorry." His eyebrows raised, taken aback. He obviously hadn't been expecting this, "The lighter I found belonged to Iwaizumi-san. He has a…secret vice. I wanted to make sure he would come to dispose of the lighter but I couldn't very well bring it to him. I am sorry for not telling you the situation, but as you can see it's delicate. So, thank you for getting him for me. And," I smiled apologetically, "I thank you for keeping this situation a secret. If anyone, even the Captain, found out Iwaizumi-san would be in great trouble." I put the honest desperation I felt in the plea, shameful that I was appealing to his feelings for me in order to secure secrecy.

Yamada ran a nervous hand over his hair and I saw the light covering of a blush on his cheeks and felt the guild settle deep in my gut. "O-of course Nakahara-chan. I won't tell anyone." The guild exploded through me. It was nauseating and deserved.

I smiled brightly however, bowing slightly in gratitude, "Thank you! I'll get back to work right away!"


	3. Chapter 3

A/N:

Thank you to those who followed/reviewed/favorited! I'm very excited to keep posting chapters for you. Notes and criticisms are appreciated and encouraged as well as absolute flattery. The usual disclaimer is below and will continue to be there just to be safe.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 3

Juno Was Mad (read disclaimer before continuing)

A bright sign stood next to the club room door alerting people of the wet floor inside. I brought the cleaning items back to the utility closet and headed to the gym. My left hand skimmed over my hip bone, my mind still foggy from the encounter with the lighter. I was lucky to have Hajikun here. It's not often that, on the brink of relapse, someone you know is there to help. And that was true.

Self harm, for me, was humiliating and dark and not something I wanted my loved ones to know of. It was opportunistic; when alone emotionally and physically the desire struck. Rarely did I ever find myself in a public place with an urge strong enough to make me run someplace secluded to satisfy it. When I did it was likely that my weakness would being on newer, more intense urges when I was finally alone. Haru had been the first one to discover me, sobbing silently with a metal clothes hanger, red from heat, pressed against my skin.

I was still reliving the memory when I stepped into the gym to see a loud cluster of team members near the gym door. Oikawa was standing faster out with a childish pout and Hajikun stood next to him, reveling in his friends dismay. Curious, my painful memories washed away and I approached the group.

"Can you show us how to do that amazing back attack?" My heart began to beat fast and I felt a wild smile on my lips as I pushed through the crowd, eager to reach the center where I was sure I would find-

"Hinata!" the exclamation came unbidden from my lips as I broke through the last few people. Dressed casually in work out gear with a large duffle on the floor beside him my brother grinned widely at my sudden appearance.

"I'd be happy to try but you might as well learn from the creator herself!" He pulled me into a one-armed hug and kissed the top of my head. "Hey little sis."

My mouth was open in shock as the room digested all that he said. Eyes glanced back and forth between us, noting the similarities: thick, unruly black hair and dark green eyes. My blood froze in my veins under the scrutiny yet somehow my face burned red with embarrassment. "That's not quite accurate." My words held little conviction and I bit my lip as Oikawa and Hajikun stepped into the circle now.

"She's humble, but trust me when I say she's got more talent than I do." Some mouths dropped at this, including mine, again, as I gaped up at him. He seemed to realize that his affectionate gloating brought me attention that I had actively tried to avoid. His arm rested on my shoulder and he gave me a light squeeze before glancing down at me, an apology written in his eyes. My mouth snapped shut. _He'll probably actually apologize later for dragging me into the spotlight._

It was true that I'd taught him the technique he used for his back attack though I had still been in elementary school. I felt like the age difference between myself and Hinata had multiplied when he entered high school and poured over any and all information on volleyball I could get my hands on. Anything to remain relevant in his ever changing life. I'd discovered the pipe play and thought that with Hinata's skill and strength, as long as the setter was competent, he would be able to jump for a ball at the very last moment as the it came down from its arc. The benefit, I had hypothesized, would be increased speed and force making the possibility of blocking it very little no matter how prepared the blocker was.

Shy, and afraid of making a fool of myself I approached Haru fist. As a setter he would know whether the possibility could be humored let alone performed. We practiced it a few times to show Hinata who learned best by watching. I could still remember the euphoria I felt when I saw the sparkle in his eyes, a sparkle put there by me. In his first year of high school he hadn't been able to perform it more than a handful of times when the setter got lucky so he had to practice at home with Haru and myself. We remained inseparable until Haru, too, went to high school.

I forced myself into the present, fleeing the dark road those memories would lead me down, seeing the crowd part suddenly to make way for Coach Irihata. "Nakahara Hinata." he attempted, and failed, to imbue the short phrase with his usual disgruntled authority, allowing the corner of his mouth to twitch upward in a whisper of a smile.

"Hey, Coach. Still as wound up as ever I see." Hinata had the dig ready just as he had when he'd been in the club. Coach's eyes narrowed in response.

"You're talking pretty confidently now that you're out of my gym." I could hear the friendly tension build as one of the best players to pass through the school and his former coach couldn't help but goad each other.

"It's a good thing I'm out too, you might be losing touch in your old age." Heads turned back and forth between the two, riveted by a side of their coach they hadn't seen.

"Big talk for a hot-shot college boy, but can you back it up?" He unknowingly puffed out his chest. He'd never say it out loud but he was sure he had a player on his current team that could give Hinata a run for his money. I knew that look. It was the look he had when he was sure we were going to win a match.

"Are you suggesting I've lost my touch?" Hinata's eyes sparkled and he stepped forward, releasing me as he did. His toothy smile was downright scary.

"Play a match with this group and you'll see that you have." Eyes unbelievably wide the entire team looked at Irihata. It seemed once he had graduated and become his own man a sense of familiarity had grown between my brother and his former coach. Instead of teacher and student they interacted like old friends. My heart swelled with pride seeing a man my brother looked up to showing him such respect.

"Sure, I'll teach them a thing or two." Hinata said, always ready to play a round. Whoops and cheers followed and suddenly the whole team began to discuss teams and strategies when they were interrupted.

"I'll play only if she does." Shock wracked through my body when I processed who the voice belonged to. Oikawa was pointing directly at me, head tilted to the side with anticipation in the smirk that stretched across his face. A moment passed and I realized what was happening. _This is it. This is how he's getting back at me for the other day_. Many emotions pinballed in my brain: excitement, fear, recklessness, uncertainty, _excitement_. It was confusing to feel so thrilled at the prospect of playing. I hadn't played, hadn't wanted to play since That Day for many reasons, the most glaring being that volleyball could incite flashbacks of the incident.

Knowing this, Hajikun and Hinata looked at me, worried, before Hajikun slammed his hand into the back of Oikawa's head. "Shittykawa, you idiot!"

"Okay."

The two responses to the team captain had been muddled and overlapped as we spoke at the same time. Still silent, all heads turned my direction once again. Hand still in the air Hajikun stared at me incredulously. I felt Hinata's hand on my shoulder but I was looking at Oikawa. He was holding the back of his head, mouth open to complain to his friend but his eyes were locked on to me.

"Okay." I said feeling a rush of adrenaline as I said it. "I'll play." Turning immediately to the club rooms to change I left him to pick his jaw up off of the floor.

* * *

After she left Iwaizumi smacked Oikawa once more, "Shitty-trashy-crappykawa." He muttered, nearly drowned out by the sudden roar of conversation between the other players.

"O-ow, Iwa-chan! What's with you?" Ducking away from another hit he jumped back, grumbling incoherently and holding his injured head.

"Why would you ask her to play? What's you're angle here?" It didn't sound like Iwaizumi wanted to understand at all why Oikawa had issued the stipulation. His voice made it clear that there was some unseen boundary that had been crossed. The pain dissipated at once and OIkawa frowned, _what's gotten into Iwa-chan?_

"It's not like I thought she'd agree!" He defended, "I just wanted to mess with her a little. You know, because of that awes- _sloppy_ jump serve the other day." It was the truth although he wouldn't admit that he was more than a little intrigued. Most of the time only players who intended to play professionally, and who had the skill, practiced the jump serve. Why, then, had this innocuous, invisible girl been able to perform one?

"I know it doesn't happen often with you, but I really wish you'd have thought about someone other than yourself this time." Iwaizumi pressed a finger into his chest hard and glared into his eyes. At that moment OIkawa knew something much deeper had been going on, something that not even his best friend had told him. His act dropped.

"Iwa, is there something I should know?" Honest concern shown in his brown eyes and Iwaizumi felt badly for being so aggressive. It wasn't as if Oikawa could know everything. Not outside the court, at least.

"Just that you're an idiot." He said in his usual stern tone and turned away from his friend to collect himself. It wasn't his story to tell no matter how close to Himari he was but now that Oikawa knew something was being kept from him it was hard not to feel guilty for keeping it to himself. He was relieved when Oikawa regressed back to whining and pleading for information. He could more easily ignore him when he was being a petulant child.

Looking at the two boys Hinata stood next to Coach Irihata, his mouth pressed in a thin line. It seemed that Iwaizumi and his sister had become better friends than he had realized in his absence. He felt guilty that she had to rely on someone other than family but they had all been assured first by her, then by her therapist, that grieving and watching her constantly would help no one. They all had to continue living. The pain still ached in his chest, the knowledge that all his posturing about being the oldest brother, the protector, hadn't amounted to anything when she actually needed him.

"I'm sorry about that one," Irihata spoke. He was one of the only people outside of the family that had any idea of what had happened in her past, "he's pretty rambunctious, or insolent, if you'd rather, but he's a hell of a player."

Hinata nodded, "It's alright. I'm grateful in a way. There are bound to be many moments in her life where she'll be challenged like this. I won't be there every time either." The old coach placed a warm, weathered hand on his shoulder.

"I can see why he wanted to challenge her though. She's one of the three people in this gym that can do a power jump serve." The sly smile on the coach's face told Hinata that he wanted to shock his former player. He was exceedingly successful.

Turning fully to Irihata, eyes wide, he nearly shouted, "She served? In front of people?" Pride in his younger sister blossomed in him and his eyes began to sting. She had barely consented to touching a volleyball after That Day, not even to practice with her brothers. It had been understandable, of course, but it had been an even bigger blow to him. He cherished the time practicing with his sister and losing it had been a devastating reminder of her trauma. Serving in front of people, agreeing to play today, Hinata found himself hoping they were steps forward for her.

A chuckle escaped Irihata despite the grave undertone of their conversation. "She did. Seemed embarrassed by it but she's come back every day since then." The meaning of his words soothed Hinata. _She's come back every day_. She served and still came back, something that, years ago, would have been impossible. It meant she was strong and getting stronger.

Relief was apparent in his sigh. "I told you to shut up! Damn, you don't know when to quit!" He looked over to Iwaizumi yelling at Oikawa and laughed. The prospect of playing volleyball with his little sister again didn't seem to be the shattering scenario he thought it would be.

* * *

I was fidgeting as I exited the club room, checking to make sure my shorts fully covered the shame on my hip. The physical education uniform was standard but my long legs made them seem too short for comfort. I got away with wearing the track pants in PE because I hadn't been trying but this situation was different. I needed to move unrestricted, unfettered by fabric in order to play properly. There was no way I was going onto the court with Hinata and, if I had to admit it, with Oikawa as well, and not give it everything I had.

I breathed in deep and let it out in a hiss. I was being reckless. That was exactly the term my therapist had used. 'Trauma survivors tend to be reckless. They put themselves in dangerous positions that others would not'. He had explained that 'danger' for me for me involved more things than someone without my history. For me, danger could be playing volleyball when the last time I attempted to nearly landed me in psych care for a weekend. Even knowing that could not ebb the excitement I was feeling.

"Nakahara-chan!" Yamada called out to me before I could open the gym doors. I thought he looked to be in a pretty good mood though I had no idea why. "So, you're actually playing? I knew it. I was right when I said you should be playing instead of cleaning." _Oh,_ I thought, _he's pretty excited for me_.

"Yeah, well my brother is here and I was invited so..." I trailed off, uncertain of why I was trying to explain what had happened when I was still processing it myself.

He brushed off my awkwardness easily, "Well, we'll all be cheering you on. You're like our representative." He was talking about the custodians. The phrase bothered me, like the only one who could interact with the volleyball club was me just because I knew how to play. It seemed sad that there was an invisible wall always separating the athletes from everyone else. They weren't unattainable but everyone acted like it.

"I'll try to give us gym cleaners a good name." I said while wondering if I had felt the invisible wall between my brothers and myself while growing up. We high-fived and Yamada ran up to the upper deck to watch.

Walking back into the gym I saw the team arguing over who would play with Hinata and smiled. _Popular as ever_. When I joined them Hinata, already changed, eyed me fretfully and I made a show of rolling my eyes. He didn't need to worry about me anymore. "Hinata and I should be on separate teams." I spoke into the fray of voices.

I was already tired of the way everyone stopped functioning when I said anything. "But he said he needed you to set for him to show us the back attack." Kindaichi all but whined and I pursed my lips.

"Then you can watch me do it from the other side of the court." I tried to sound composed and confident but I was sure the irritation I was feeling seeped out. I heard a chuckle followed by a disbelieving 'oh really' and glanced to see the culprit, Oikawa, looking overly arrogant. Turning toward Hinata and Coach Irihata I said with more control, "Give me Oikawa and I'll show you all the Nakahara Pipe." My eyes met Oikawa's with mirth, noting his dumbfounded expression. _That shut him up_.

"Very well. Nakahara Hinata, Yahaba, Kindaichi, Motomu, Kunimi, Hanamaki on this side. Nakahara Himari, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, Kyotani, Heisuke on the other. Watari will be libero for both. We'll play three sets to 15 to keep it short and the losers clean the gym." I felt my mouth turn down and quickly reset it. I was irritated that Coach put Iwaizumi on the same team as Oikawa. They'd been playing together for years and had flawless teamwork and putting them together in this scrimmage meant that he thought I'd hinder the teams performance. Fire burned in my belly.

Hinata winked at me as my team walked to the other side of the net. Oikawa bounded up next to me, "So, you've got me, what are you going to do with me?" The way he said it sounded as if he'd said the phrase a hundred times. It held no innuendo or even any playfulness. If anything it sounded obligatory like he was expected to say it so he did. The fire in me crackled. Was there even a real person underneath that facade? Was there no person he deemed worthy enough to show his true self?

I stopped and grabbed his arm and was rewarded with another stupid look of surprise. He made me want to put him in his place like Karasuno had done but my weapons were few. Relying on the one thing that was sure to shock I stepped closer, our chests nearly touching, and looked up at him. "What do you want me to do?" I asked feeling ridiculous as I'd said it. Nowhere in the world would anyone describe me as 'seductive' and there I was, trying my best to frazzle a well known play-boy with my sorry excuse for femininity. It seemed to be enough, however whether it was my attempt at being provocative or the shock of someone like me saying that was undetermined. His eyes widened in what I hoped was astonishment and he remained mute.

"Hmm, silence. I guess that means you don't want me to do anything with you. Too bad, alright, good game everyone!" My voice grew louder and I turned away to address my team and they responded in kind. I stood in the middle next to the net and Hajikun raised an eyebrow at me.

"What did you say to him?" He spoke low to avoid being overheard by Oikawa who stood at the far left of the net, silent.

"Just wishing him good luck." I forced a smile and tried not to shake my head. I needed a word more severe than reckless to describe myself. _Audacious might work_. Why did I continue to feel the need to antagonize Oikawa? I had never had the urge to speak with him before the other day. I was content with watching him play volleyball from a distance. He felt real when he played. It was possible that I bristled against any interaction with him because it ruined the magic of watching him play. _I don't like that, it makes me sound like a lovesick fangirl_. I snuck a peak at the subject of my thoughts.

Fan girl might not have been too far off, but not in the same vein as his other admirers. I hadn't flocked to his looks or his charm, I hadn't even noticed his existence until I began cleaning the gym. I watched his jump serve and had been immediately struck with nostalgia. It was the first time I enjoyed watching someone other than my brothers. He was brilliant. Maybe no one would call him a genius or prodigy because his latent potential wasn't as high as others' but when it came to understanding the heart of the game he was unmatched. Seeing him work through plays as they happened fascinated me and I found myself appreciating his abilities, watching him when I could. _That's good, going from fan girl to stalker_.

I smacked my face with both hands to bring me to the present ignoring the looks directed my way. We were receiving first and I needed to be ready, fully realizing just how easy it would be for me to make a fool of myself. I hadn't played since my third year of middle school, there was no way I would perform like I had let alone be at the level of the boys around me. I looked over to Matsukawa who was waiting patiently on the sidelines as Watari took his position at back center to receive. _He should have been up front,_ my brain accused me as it shied away from the nervousness that was slowly building.

He caught me staring and looked back, considering something. He held his hands out in front of him and curled them into fists parallel to the ground and started moving his feet in an odd way; almost like pedaling. I blinked a few times before my brain recognized the movement. Tilting my head to the side in question prompted him to stop and held his hands out as if to say 'I tried'. Suddenly the meaning hit me. He was acting out a phrase from English class: 'Like riding a bike'. The meaning was that once you learned something you didn't forget it. I felt my features relax and nodded at him before taking a deep breath feeling taller than my 172 cm. He looked mildly please and his face turned back to its passive state looking remarkably similar to Hajikun's. I faced the net with new confidence and readied myself for the serve. Irihata blew the whistle and time slowed down as we started.

Hanamaki served between Kyotani and Watari and the libero received it easily angling it directly toward Oikawa who had switched places with me right after the serve. From just outside the left boundary line where the front and back courts met I watched our setter for a clue as to where he wanted to throw it. He looked almost as if he wasn't watching the opposing team, a master at keeping his play a secret, but I saw the most minuscule of glances toward the right side and new he would throw to Hajikun. I ran anyway at a sharp 45 degree angle toward his position in the middle and jumped high as if preparing to spike.

Two blockers came to me leaving Hajikun with one and I swiped hard at air, delighting in the shock on Hinata and Kindaichi's faces. The ball hit inside the opposing court and I heard heard Yahaba, who had missed the block, let out a sound of irritation.

Hinata smiled so wide his face was in danger of splitting. "I thought for sure it was coming to you with how hard you were staring at Oikawa. It looked like you knew exactly what he was going to do." _Leave it to an older brother to voice your embarrassing secrets_.

My cheeks heated up and I tried not to look at Oikawa but failed. The way he looked at me now was completely different than before. It was his game face, the once he reserved for his teammates, free from his usual ministrations that kept his facade in place. "I did know." I said bravely.

Rotating now, Hajikun moved to serve and Watari ran to the other side to take the place of Motomu. Scooting back to the 3 meter line I leaned forward to decrease the chance of being hit by the serve. It was over the net quickly and my eyes raked over the players, watching their faces and following the ball. Despite my brothers reputation Yahaba, who was bound to want to succeed against Oikawa, would set the ball who he was comfortable with first. Both Hinata and Kindaichi ran to the net and my feet moved without thought, my body instinctually functioning as my brained continued to process information. At the net a warm body arrived next to mine and Oikawa whispered, "Wait."

"Yeah," I whispered back, already aware that Yahaba liked to throw in a slow set to mess up the tempo of the blockers. My heart beat once and I saw the ball move toward it's target. Oikawa and I crouched in time with each other and jumped on an unspoken cue.

Kindaichi spiked it hard and I felt the ball slap against the inside of my left hand and begin to escape through he gap in my arms. "Shit. One touch!" I screamed before my feet hit the ground. Turning rapidly and running to the far right I saw the ball had been received, just barely, by Matsukawa. He managed to send it pretty steadily toward Oikawa who had to adjust only slightly.

 _Where is it going this time?_ I watched him again and clenched my teeth together, _shit, to me!_ I ran hard toward the net almost directly on the sideline when I saw the toss, it was quick but I had guessed the tempo right. Jumping fast I saw the open space in front of me and spiked the ball with all my might down the sideline, relishing the sting on my palm.

I looked down at the pink skin as I fell, faintly hearing the the ball smack against the wood floor. An odd feeling coursed through me and I wondered if I had ever felt this good when I played. Maybe it was living in the shadow of my talented siblings that had caused me to be so dispassionate about it before. I practiced only to further their skills but now I today was just for the pure fun of it. I looked up toward Oikawa, still ecstatic about the spike, and mustered all of my gratitude into the smile I gave him. "Thank you." I said, breathless. His features twisted suddenly, eyebrows knitting together and a slow frown forming. I nearly gasped an turned away quickly. _He looked so angry..._


	4. Chapter 4

A/N:

MINKI! My dude, thank you for the in depth reviews. I'm smiling right now remembering when I read the past/passed comment. It seriously kept me up I was so bugged that I had done that. I'm actually using a document manager instead of the notepad on my phone so hopefully the grammatical mistakes and spelling errors decrease.

Also, thanks to you I have realized that the later chapters rush through certain things and stray from my original storyline so I'm currently editing them to make sure it's cohesive. I hope this chapter is up to par!

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 4 - Disclaimer above

Your Facade is a Scam

That girl, Nakahara Himari, had been nothing but confusing since their first interaction. At first Oikawa had thought she hated him, with her overly sarcastic words and underlying venom when she had first spoken to him. Then, she had acted as if he didn't exist for nearly two weeks. When he had called her out in front of the team he had been attempting to get a reaction from her; to make her unbalanced and nervous. Instead, she marched back out of the club room and demanded he be on her team. Oikawa had seen that sort of odd behavior before in girls who liked him so, testing his theory, he gave her a line that had succeeded in making girls blush countless times before. What he got in return was her calling his bluff boldly and seductively and suddenly he was the one unbalanced and nervous.

He had been growing irritated by the minute, unable for the first time in memory to figure out a woman's motives. She had made it worse with every encounter. After Iwaizumi's spike her brother had said she had been focused so acutely on him that she had known what he would do and she had, admitting it to everyone with a shy smile. During the block Oikawa had whispered a warning for her not to jump because of Yahaba's tricky, slow set but she brushed him off like it was common knowledge. She had been rude, surprising, confident, alluring, shy, capable, and bold and they had spent less than thirty minutes in each others company. It had been confusing and aggravating and he had a petty dislike for her and her infuriatingly bewildering behavior.

Then, after he had passed to her she had the audacity to look at him like she did. Her face was flushed with joy and adrenaline and her smile was blinding and she thanked him like he had given her the best present in the world. No one had ever looked at him like that and he was struck directly in the chest such force it knocked the wind out of him. When the feeling dissipated he felt angry. She didn't even know him and he certainly didn't know her and he didn't like feeling like she had more control over his reactions than he did.

She turned away from him and was already in position to receive but for some reason he still glared at her. The whistle blew and almost immediately the ball connected with the back of his head. He caught himself before he crashed into the net and turned around with wide eyes, alarmed, to see Iwaizumi.

"Sorry." He said, followed by the teams chorus of 'don't mind'. But Oikawa knew his friend and he was sure that Iwaizumi was definitely not sorry.

* * *

My mood had been lifted marginally after Hajikun served into the back of Oikawa's head. The look he sent me when I turned to give him encouragement told me that he'd done it on purpose and I thought for sure that he had seen my interaction with Oikawa.

I watched Hinata bounce the ball hard a few times and I knew he was going to try and wreck our side. I turned to Hajikun and pointed at him to let him know that's where the serve was going just before the whistle blew. The seconds ticked by as Hinata waited until the last second to serve. He wanted to raise the tension and I could feel the air change on our side, knowing he succeeded. Finally, in slow motion, he served and it was like lightning. It hit Hajikun and flew outside of the court almost faster than any of our eyes could follow. I hissed, his topspin is hard to handle.

The next came quickly trying to catch us off guard but the team had already experienced Oikawa's serves and Hajikun yelled as he received it, still angry about the missing the last. The force of the impact sent the ball high and over the net. Calls of 'chance ball' rang through the gym and I tried to see where the hit would come from. I was too far away from the left when I saw Hinata ready for a back attack. "Watari!" I yelled as my brother hit the ball.

The libero sprung for it and saved it a foot from the floor and it ricocheted painfully into Kyotani who managed to hit it back up into the air. It soared high again but remained only just on our side. Instinctively, all the attackers moved toward the ball but I was too far away and stopped to watch helplessly. When Heisuke ran forward and jumped the opposing blockers jumped with him but he floated down without hitting the ball. All at once, Oikawa was directly behind him, jumping and spiking the ball passed the shocked faces of the blockers. He looked utterly thrilled.

The score was 3-2 in less than four minutes and Oikawa's point started our rotation again. Watari was heading to the other side rubbing the arm that took the brunt of Hinata's serve but they high-fived when the met. I felt the eyes of my team on me the moment Coach tossed me the ball and I knew what was going through their minds. They were waiting to see if the serve from the other day was just a fluke. I smiled sweetly, mildly irritated, and turned around to walk well past the boundary line.

After a few bounces I held the ball tight, squeezing it as I had the other day as if I could force my will into it. Oikawa's arms moved slowly toward the back of his head and hesitated for a moment, suspended in the air. The whistle blew and his hands slapped against the back of his head.

I smiled, I'm not going to hit you. The ball went up high in front of me and I ran, jumped, flew. I felt like wings held me aloft as my body sent all of my newfound passion to fuel my serving arm and struck the ball. Despite being out of practice I was somehow able to direct the ball closer to Hinata.

He grunted at the impact as it hit his arms and flew passed him. "Yes!" I shouted and looked around me to see the easy smiles of my team. Hajikun ran the short distance between us and we smacked both of our hands together. "That felt…" I struggled to find the words but he smiled again.

"I know." He tapped my forehead with his finger and walked back to his position. Beaming, I couldn't help but feel as if we were about to obtain a strong lead with Oikawa serving next. That was, if I could score with the next serve.

The man himself looked at me and I tried not to feel self-conscious as I caught the ball. I could still see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me like I was a math problem. I squeezed the ball in my hands once more and looked for a new mark. Hinata had been a good first choice due to his deficiencies in playing defense but he adapted irritatingly quickly and my next serve likely wouldn't gain us a point. We'd be pulled into a rally with Oikawa in the perfect position but with two stronger attackers in the back row. The next serve receive I would be switched out with Watari until our next serve. By then Oikawa would be on the back line and although he was a brilliant setter he would be running from the backcourt to the net after his serve and the opportunity to do my back attack would disappear.

I signaled for a time-out and the team converged on my position when Irihata blew the whistle. "My next serve will probably be received and another rally will start. I want to do a back attack, a pipe down the middle." I was looking for approval and the boys looked at each other like they were having their own silent discussion. I continued, "Oikawa is the best position right now to do it and if he sets it for me I'll get it passed everyone."

They looked uncomfortable now and unsure. Oikawa shrugged his shoulders. "No point in overthinking it. It was one of the reasons we asked them to play." Hajikun sent a hard chop to Oikawa's ribs.

"Dumbass. You wanted to play to stroke your ego, not to learn anything." His face was scrunched up in anger, though it didn't seem sincere. It was oddly affectionate.

"Iwa-chan, don't you think you've hit me enough today?" Oikawa pouted and his friend turned away indignantly to mumble a barely audible 'maybe'. I kept my short chuckle muted behind pursed lips but Oikawa's eyes darted to me. Ugh, he heard me.

"Oikawa-san please set the ball higher than normal, about two feet, and just in front of the attack line. I'll run straight up the middle." I thought of how greatly I respected his abilities and tried to pour every ounce of it into my voice to try and make up for all the things I had done to make him so angry at me.

He turned away while waving a hand at me dismissively. "Alright, alright, no need to be so serious." I blew out a large breath and felt my muscles relax. ' _That went better than expected'_. I thought my suggestion would have been met with at least a little opposition.

My prediction came true when Hinata loudly shouted that he would receive the serve and followed through. The ball spun wildly in the air and fell directly for Yahaba. I whispered curses under my breath and hoped we would be able to stop the attack. Hajikun grabbed my arm and flung me toward the middle to take my spot just before Kunimi spiked the ball right where I'd been. Without looking to see Hajikun's pass I bolted for the attack line. I saw the ball suddenly fly high in front of me and dip down just as I jumped. I hit it, cupping my hand, not worrying about where the blockers were. It wouldn't matter.

Kindaichi, Yahaba, and Kunimi all jumped, Hinata must have warned them about the back attack, but I still smiled. The ball barreled easily through their arms and struck the court behind them with a thunderous crash. As the echo faded away I saw the entire group turn to me with shock written on their faces. Already smiling, the attention combined with my elation forced unbridled laughter from my chest.

I barely heard Kindaichi. "Whaaaaaaaat?" He said. Then louder and more excited, words rushed from him. "How did you do that? We were so prepared! And you don't look that strong, no offense." Similar exclamations rang out from other players. My laughter died down as Hinata ran to me and twirled me around, gripping me with such emotional intensity. Guess me playing means a lot to him.

The coach let us take a small break at the middle of the court for an explanation. A wall of me circled me but I felt strangely comfortable. "Okay. I asked Oikawa-san to set the ball much higher than usual because for this attack you hit the ball as it falls instead of at its peak." I looked at Oikawa with a smile before continuing. "It's much harder to hit because, as you all know, the ball slows down at its apex before it begins to fall. That's why we're always taught to hit the ball at that moment but if you wait for it to fall it gains velocity. You curve your hand for heavy topspin and when you hit it the velocity and topspin make the force extremely powerful."

Coach Irihata grunted. "As you said, when the ball comes down the rate of successful hits goes down too. It'll be hard to get the timing right, even harder to hit as the ball picks up speed."

"Iwaizumi could do it. Maybe Kindaichi as well." The two boys looked at me proudly. "And if someone like me can do it, the others could with practice." The rest of the attackers beamed at me as I said this. Somehow, even though I had spiked and served successfully, the back attack had lifted me up in the eyes of the team. They looked at me differently now and I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to cleaning the gym in solitude. I was on their radar now and I wouldn't be able to slip away as I had before.

"I'll try it next then." Hajikun said, looking at Oikawa who nodded in acknowledgement. That would give our team at least two opportunities to do it when the rotation started over.

Hinata and I spoke with the attackers explaining the timing and approach. Watari headed over to the setters. I'd seen him practicing tosses before but I didn't know if he had the skill to get the ball at the proper height. If he did he would be an insanely dangerous weapon.

* * *

The first sent went to my team though it was not easily won. I had seen each player in practice before but found myself surprised at their flexibility and talent. If I had seen them in a true match maybe I would have been more prepared. Yahaba in particular seemed eager to learn and adapt which I attributed to the frightening abilities of his senpai. The second set, to my delight, went to Hinata's team with an imperfect attempt at the back attack performed by Kindaichi. He hadn't quite gotten down the top spin and the ball bounced off, rather than through, the blockers hands.

At match point on the final set I was ragged. It seemed that biking to school every day had not been enough to keep me in shape for that much activity. I was comforted by the look of the boys, however, who seemed to be exerting much of their energy as well but they had already been practicing before the match began. The game had grown more intense after each point and the desire to win hung in the atmosphere.

I took my position at the center of the net. We had cycled around to where we'd started with Oikawa on the left and Hajikun on the right. It was our serve and we were facing their strongest attacking lineup: Hinata, Kindaichi, and Yahaba. Time felt slower when the whistle blew and Heisuke's serve was over the net. Watari passed to Yahaba, Yahaba's toss went up and I bolted to the left toward my brother who had victory in his eyes. I was going too fast and when I jumped my body pushed into Oikawa. So warm.

Our eyes met in the air and I felt the force of the spike I had stopped watching hit my left hand before the ball bounced back down behind Hinata. I landed holding my left hand up in surprised and found Oikawa doing the same with his right. We were so close we blocked it together. Hollering from our side called my attention and the boys were running to us. I felt a few hard pats on my back and the win finally dawned on me.

"Yeah!" I screamed, drawing out the word.

"I had no idea-"

"You've been hiding this entire time!"

"It's insane that you don't play."

The exclamations were coming from all sides as the teams came together to congratulate each other. Hinata rested his hand on the top of my head. "You can read me too well." He said it with deep joy and I could see that his eyes were wet. I looked away quickly to avoid crying myself but I took his hand from my head and held it tightly.

"Oh!" I gasped when the realization struck me. I turned to HInata. "You have to clean up!" His smiled faltered and then turned into a good-natured scowl. I hugged him quickly and ran to quickly rinse away the sweat and change.

I returned to the gym with my bags and my school uniform on. With nothing to wear underneath my track suit but my underwear I felt more comfortable changing completely. My hair was still damp though not enough to wet my clothes and when he saw me Coach Irihata called everyone to him.

"Let's thank the Nakahara siblings for the match and for the instruction." His voice commanded and I felt humbled and gratified to have been included in the thanks. The team thanked us in unison and bowed respectfully.

Overcome, I returned the movement. "Thank you very much for letting me play! I know my brother is the one you were looking forward to and I want to express my deep gratitude to you all." I stood straight again but kept my eyes down. The day had been an emotional one and I didn't think I could keep it all in for much longer.

After a few more words the coach let us disperse. Hinata went back to cleaning and I walked quickly out of the gym to wait for him outside. I didn't want to talk to anyone again until I had time to process everything. The setting sun was a comfort and the peacefulness of the empty courtyard helped center me.

I sat down on a bench still lit by a last ray of sunlight and closed my eyes. I had played volleyball. True volleyball, not just practice drills. During the game I hadn't thought about anything but what was happening in that moment and after it all had ended I couldn't help but feel that for all the happiness I felt I would experience twice as much pain. The dread of when it would hit was unbearable. I hated it. Always, even if my actions didn't bring flashbacks or depression, the fear that they still might come soured any happiness I felt. I lived in fear of doing anything that I might enjoy so it wouldn't be ruined by my screwed up brain. I was programmed now to keep myself very unhappy it seemed and even medication hadn't seemed to help.

"Just do it already." I groaned to myself, willing the pain to hit so that I could deal with it.

"Do what?" My eyes snapped open and Oikawa Tooru stood in front of me. It looked like he had showered too. The sun glowed brightly on every wet spot. Highlights of sunlight, I mused.

"Nothing you want to know about." I replied honestly with what I hoped wasn't too sad of a smile.

"Mind if I sit?" I sighed and gestured to the open space next to me.

"Don't you usually head out with Iwaizumi?" I couldn't help but ask, wondering why he was there, next to me.

He laughed brightly. "I do. Iwa-chan is being very noble and helping the losers clean." His eyes reflected his laughter and I knew it was real. :I think he's done it to harass your brother. He seems quite taken with him."

This time my smile, I was sure, reflected my fondness. "I'm sure he won't be the last. Hinata has a way of making people want to be around him." I looked away from him and closed my eyes once again, hinting that I would like to be left alone. We could share a bench in _silence_.

"It's a long story."

"Give me the highlights." I opened my eyes fully, surprised at his sense of entitlement.

My eyebrows raised. "People don't usually say 'no' to you, do they?"

"Iwa-chan says no to me all the time." He countered quickly. Maybe he had been asked that before. In the silence that hung between us I could tell he was actually interested and that made me nervous. If he was interested then he might start to ask around for answers himself. I could tell him just enough to satisfy his curiosity.

"I did play. I suffered an injury just before high school." I recited the line my family had learned to tell the many people who asked similar questions. Using the word 'injury' for what happened to me seemed silly but it was a word that people accepted. Apparently, though, Oikawa was not one of them.

"An injury, huh? You seemed to play just fine today." I tried not to smile. _Smartass_.

"I'm good at hiding my pain." Another honest reply. I was _very_ good at hiding my pain. It only helped that it wasn't bodily.

"Alright. So, what's your problem with me?"

The sudden change in topic caught me off guard and I opened my mouth but my mind was blank. A broad smile stretched across his face like he'd won something.

"I-I don't have a problem with you." I cursed myself for my hesitancy. Even an idiot would be able to hear the lie in my voice.

"Try again." He said seeming very pleased with himself and I couldn't even find it in myself to be irritated. The tete-a-tete was somehow entertaining.

"Are you sure you'd like to know?" I asked, regaining my self control.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure." He turned toward me and leaned on the arm he rested on the back of the bench.

I turned toward him as well. This was what he did, I realized. He pulled people in. I was almost disgusted to realize that I was no different than any other girl, or boy, at our school.

"I've watched you a lot since we started here. Putting yourself in the background gives you a good view of the main characters." I paused to see if he would make a smug remark but he stayed silent. "The first time I saw you was in the gym and it was fantastic. You were real and raw and talented. I thought I wouldn't be interested in volleyball after my brothers left for Uni but seeing you play made me question that. Then I saw you, the fake you, and how you interacted with the people outside of the team and it was so disappointing. I don't understand you. You're already amazing but you still scrutinize and manipulate the people around you just because you can. Especially the girls. How many have you actually wanted to spend time with? My guess is very few and yet you still smile at them the way they want you to and it keeps them falling all over you. Even around your teammates you occasionally put on those same airs and they deal with it because they respect you. And you're well respected as an athlete but outside of that you don't give anyone the chance to know you enough to be respected as a person. You have an empty following that you can operate how you want like you're the ruler of-" My hands smacked my skin as they desperately covered my mouth.

I was breathing heavily from speaking nonstop and my heart was beating too fast. ' _WHAT is wrong with me? Why did I say all of that?'_ The words were true to how I felt but there was no reason to actually tell him. No reason to be so honest. I could have said anything and yet I had uncontrollably spewed out every opinion I had. My hands were shaking as I lowered them to issue an apology.

"Ruler of what?" He spoke before I could say anything.

"What?"

"You said I acted like I was the ruler of something and then you stopped. Ruler of what?" His face was unsettling. It was void of any emotion, fake or real. His eyes were so intense that my heart felt like it was going to stop beating.

I thought about my answer, unsure of what it really was. My words were running out of me faster than my brain could track and I was still playing catch up. What had I been about to say? The ruler of his fangirls? Of volleyball? Of the entire school? I winced when I realized what I had been building to. My mouth opened and I wondered why I was still sitting there, about to lay the final blow to an already unnecessary monologue.

"Everything."

Behind him the rest of the team and Hinata were exiting the gym. I grabbed my bags, gripping them with more force than necessary, and stood.

"I'm so sorry."

And then I fled like a coward hoping that Oikawa wasn't the type of person to be affected by the cruel words I had used against him. All of the derogatory things I had thought about him had been exposed and I felt something worse than guilt. It was self-loathing. ' _Maybe this is what happens when you're unbelievably mean to someone for no reason.'_ I realized how hypocritical I was for tallying every fault of his when I myself had countless more. Judging someone privately never feels cold-hearted until your judgments are made known. Then you realize just how low you've sunk.

I could feel it then. The final straw was being laid onto my back and I could feel myself breaking. The events of the day played before my eyes under the lense of the anxiety that was building. Fire. Pain. Volleyball. All culminating to the bitter realization of my heartless suppositions of other people. As I neared Hinata and Hajikun discussing having dinner at our house on Sunday night. Their voices sounded off as if they were being filtered through water.

"Himari, what do you think, does Sund-whoa. Hey, what's wrong?" I shook my head. _Not right now. Not here._

"We should be getting to the bus stop." Either the expression on my face or the number of people around caused him to drop the subject but I didn't miss the look he shared with Hajikun. I tried to remember to act normally.

"We'd love to have you over on Sunday." The smile I gave felt mask-like on my face and I tried to turn to leave.

"Hey, Nakahara-chan! You were amazing!" Yamada had just exited the gym and was yelling as he locked the doors. He walked toward us and Hajikun hesitantly left us to join his waiting friend. I glanced nervously over to them and instantly looked away. Oikawa was staring at me with that same unreadable expression.

"Thanks, Yamada-kun." The lack of energy in my response was apparent but Yamada didn't seem to hear.

"I couldn't believe it. Well, I could, I mean because you're awesome anyway when you're not playing volleyball." His face turned red instantly and I felt that he was dangerously close to confessing something to me. _I can't deal with this too._

"Thank you! I appreciate that. Sorry for not cleaning up today. Well, Hinata and I have to catch the bus home okay? I'll see you after the holidays!" My voice was too bright, too rushed. It was higher than usual as I slowly started to feel claustrophobic.

I grasped the back of Hinata's shirt and he put an arm around me. He and Yamada spoke a few more words to each other that I didn't hear. Blood was pulsing in my ears and I felt myself being steered to the gates of the school. Thoughts were rapidly filtering through my brain, leaving before I could focus on any of them. My eyes took in my surroundings but could make no connections as the next thought cycled through. The only thing I could understand was that each memory and idea that blasted through me built on top of my panic.

"Breath." Hinata spoke low and comforting.

I did as he said and suddenly felt the pain in my chest from the pain of holding my breath. ' _This is it. The bad feelings that come after happiness.'_ It was like a switch that turned off all the light, letting the pain sneak in through the darkness. A hand tightly gripping my shoulder kept them at the periphery of my conscious thoughts, snarling and snapping at my sanity. Like seeing a disaster coming for you with no way to escape.

"Do you have your medication with you?" He whispered to me.

I blinked and looked around. Vague recollection prickled in me but I didn't have the focus to understand where we were. We stopped walking and Hinata stepped in front of me and held my upper arms tight.

"Himari I need you to focus. Where is your anxiety medication?" His eyes looked so green.

"I-" my eyes started darting around but soon found his face again. ' _He wants me to focus.'_ "I can't. I-" It felt as if the words had literally stuck in my throat. My eyes were in such pain and suddenly my vision blurred with tears.

"Shh. Mari, it's okay. You can do this. Just tell me yes or no. Is your anxiety medication with you?" He was brushing water from my cheeks. The image of the pill bottle flashed before me and I nodded.

"Okay."

His hands moved to gently remove my book bag from my shoulder, pushing my hands aside. Time passed and I had tried to figure out where we were again but my vision was still clouded with tears. My hand was pulled open and only then did I realize that I had tightened them both into fists. He wrapped my fingers around a pill and mechanically I brought it to my mouth. A water bottle was placed in my hand next and I swallowed the medication with the water. It was cool and refreshing but did nothing to clear the fuzziness of my mind.

Minutes passed, or longer, my sense of time had been shot as my brain was frantically trying to focus on one thing at a time. It was like my thoughts were television channels and the remote was going haywire. As soon as one station registered it would switch to another. The sounds and images in my memories were mottled together and without the prompting of Hinata to keep me moving I was stuck in place. My brain was so full it had no ability to send out instruction to the rest of me.

All at once coherent thoughts started up again. ' _Who was I talking to? Where am I going?'_ I looked around and recognized the bus stop closest to the school. The orange light of the setting sun had almost faded completely and my surroundings looked confusing in the shadows. _I' didn't know it was this late_.' Looking around once more I saw the figure in front of me and was momentarily startled. ' _Oh, Hinata!'_ He was looking at me gravely. His face looked tight, like it had been stuck that way for too long and his body was rigid. I felt the disappointment dawn on me as my body tried to shake off the fog.

"I dissociated?" I asked, although it wasn't really a question I needed answered. His mouth turned down at the corners and I sighed. A soft breeze caught the wetness on my cheeks and I shivered from the sudden chill. I closed my eyes and wiped my face feeling the dull ache in my temples from a stress headache. They always followed an especially difficult bout of anxiety. I opened my jaw a few times to try and loosen the muscles that were clenching together. ' _Don't push it, just let everything come back naturally_.' I had to remind myself that the time lapse I had experienced would be explained as the memories were finally stored in my brain.

 _Click_. I had been feeling the onset of a panic attack as we left the school.

 _Click._ We arrived at the bus stop.

 _Click._ Hinata helped me take my medication.

Everything that had happened that I hadn't been able to focus on now caught up with me. We had been at the bus stop since the start of my dissociation. After I had taken my medication Hinata had continued to try and communicate with me. I winced when I remembered the desperation in his voice. Two busses had come and gone, the passengers eyeing us warily but too polite to stare outright. It had been at least thirty minutes since we arrived and I nearly cried again on the realization that my brother had remained worried and pained the entire time.

"I'm so sorry." I mumbled through my hands. I had moved to cover my face to avoid seeing the strain on his a second longer. His arms wrapped around me and he rested his chin on my head.

"No, Mari, I'm sorry." And I knew he was apologizing, as he had so many times, for what happened over three years ago. There were no more words left in me so I continued to lean into him for comfort as we waited for the next bus.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N:

Minki, my muse, my flame. You are perfect. You're absolutely right about breaking up the lengthy dialogue. And SONOFABITCH I did it again. Well, I can't make any promises about the future of the past/passed issue because I just don't pay that much attention but I will definitely try.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

 **Special disclaimer note as well** : This chapter will contain the memory of a character getting raped. It's not super graphic in my opinion regarding the description of the act itself. It's very graphic regarding the thoughts and feelings of the character so if you're sensitive to that (as I am) you may want to either skip or mentally prepare yourself.

It's important for me to write something like this out because, while this specific instant didn't happen to me, this is based off of multiple instances in my life. I feel that you can talk about assault and rape and people will assume they understand but they truly will not ever until the details are shared. Yes, it is difficult to share, yes it is hard to hear, but it's supposed to be both. The more difficulty there is in hearing it means that you should be that much more active in preventing sexual crimes and learning how to protect yourselves and helping to inform others.

Ignoring my trauma has not helped and sharing it has done very little because I'm too embarrassed to give specifics. I'm at a point where I believe specifics are important to truly understanding what terrors someone has been through. So, with that said, I apologize if you are in any way upset or hurt by this chapter.

* * *

Chapter 5 - SPECIAL DISCLAIMER ABOVE

This is the Way That I Am

I looked into the stands even though I knew they weren't there. I'd been looking for them since the beginning but they had never arrived. ' _I guess Haru's game went longer than expected._ ' It was pretty unusual for neither parent to be in the stands at one of my matches, at least near the end. My team had ended the match swiftly, in two sets, and my parents must have misjudged how much time it would take for us to win. I never blamed them for choosing to see more of his matches than my own. He was in his final year of high school and my volleyball career was just starting so naturally his games would be harder to miss.

Despite their absence I had been excited about the win. The chatter of the team never ceased as we grabbed our things from the locker room and headed to the bus that would take us all back to the school. I usually rode home with my family but it would be fun to right back with the team and feel the giddiness of the win for a while longer. Reaching for my phone in my duffel bag I was surprised to find it missing.

"Machan, have you seen my phone?" My closest friend on the team turned around and shook her head.

"No, it must have fallen out when you were changing." She suggested and I grimaced.

"I'll go back for it. Please tell coach that I'm coming." I asked and turned around, bolting back to where we'd come from.

The room was empty as expected and I headed to the general area of where I had changed. There was nothing on the benches so I checked the lockers, already forgetting which one I had used. Closing them dramatically when they proved empty I cast an angry glare downward and saw a light flash from under the bottom lockers. Crouching on hands and knees I pressed my head to the ground and saw the light flash again. ' _There you are_.' I wiggled my fingers in the tin gap and tapped my phone out, raising it triumphantly once it was out.

I slid open the lock and saw the message from Hinata:

"If you're reading this then I'm sorry we're late but SURPRISE it's because mom and dad had to pick me up from the bus stop. We're on our way now and I hope you're still playing so I can cheer for you!"

I smiled and immediately called him back. I heard a faint click and turned around. In front of the door was a man I'd never seen before. My heart stopped for a moment and then rapidly picked up its pace. He said nothing and I began to feel uncomfortable. In my other ear I heard the click of the call connecting.

"You're in the wrong place. This is the girls lockers." I said awkwardly. ' _It should have been obvious once he walked in and saw me._ ' I told myself to relax, he might have been embarrassed and froze up.

He said nothing though and the seconds stretched by. The faint ringing of the call reached my ears and I wondered how many rings there had been.

"Are you looking for someone?" I asked, becoming desperate for my brother to answer. The man was creepy and unresponsive and I was hoping it was due to my imagination. Quietly he reached toward the wall next to him.

It happened so fast. Hinata answered the phone the moment the lights went out and I had time to scream, HEL-', before the man slammed into me. The phone fell out of my hand on impact and clattered to the floor. My head hit the ground hard and I barely registered the hard press of a hand over my mouth. I blinked tears from my eyes and tried to focus.

The dark shape above me was still for a moment before he pressed his body on top of mine. Terror ran through me as I felt _something_ against my leg. I couldn't bring myself to think the word. My heartbeat spiked and I began to scream. His hand muffled the scream but if someone was walking by they might have been able to hear.

His other hand pulled up the hem of my shirt and thrust underneath, pulling at the sports bra I wore. More tears came that had nothing to do with the pain in my head. I could barely feel that anymore as his hand found skin and grabbed aggressively. My muffled screams were interrupted by sobs and my chest heaved from the intensity. When his hand left my shirt I found I still had enough innocent naivety to hope that he would stop there.

But he didn't. The hand moved below and my screaming began anew. The initial shock faded and I suddenly remembered to fight. My body thrashed under him and my hands worked frantically to do something, anything, to get him to stop. I tried to pry his hand off but the weight of his body fused it to my face. Reaching for his face I found it too far away. ' _His arms are longer than mine._ ' My fingers swiped uselessly at his clothes and I screamed in frustration and fear.

My fists pounded into his arm, the only target I had left, and my legs kicked out, flailing and doing no damage. His legs were on either side of me and he sat on my thighs. His hand invaded my underwear. My eyes stung with tears and I felt myself losing energy. I hadn't even slowed his attack. ' _I'm so weak. It's getting hard to breathe. I want to pass out. I want to die._ ' The thought came as his fingers pushed roughly into me. There was pain again and the horrifying realization that every woman's worst fear was about to happen to me.

I still screamed against his hand. Still lashed out where I could, moving on instinct and will alone. I entered a new state of being where my survival was at stake. My pants were falling down. ' _Not falling_ ,' I thought and my stomach sent bile rushing up my esophagus. I sputtered and choked on my own sick and a zipper was being undone.

I was choking. ' _Finally._ ' I started to feel peace as my thoughts began to gray. ' _Let me die._ ' His fingers were gone and something new violated me but I was no longer there. I was floating away into the darkness where I could no longer feel touch. I no longer needed to breath or fight or think. I could just keep floating.

A light intruded the darkness and a weight was lifted from me and I was sure I had finally reached the afterlife. But I was still choking. Something turned my head to the side and the bile spilled out of my mouth and throat. My insides were on fire and I wondered why I felt so much pain after death.

"Himari! Shit! Please call the police!" The voice sounded so familiar but the words they spoke were so foreign. ' _Huh, mom sounds funny when she curses_ '.

Something awoke in me and my brain kicked on like a computer out of sleep mode.

"Mom?" I tried to speak but my throat hurt so badly.

I coughed and released some of the slime lodged in there and spat in disgust. I tried to call out to her again and her face swam into view. Tears were pouring down her face but she remained beautifully composed. She pulled me toward her and whispered a constant stream of comforting words as she helped cover my naked lower half.

I looked around with squinted eyes, pained from the sudden light surrounding me, and saw the horrified faces of my father and my brothers and my coach. They all looked so sad. My father was struggling with something on the floor and I recognized the mass as the man who had raped me. Humiliation consumed me. My family had witnessed how unbelievably dirty I had become and no matter how much time passed I knew the look on their faces would be seared into memory.

* * *

I woke with my own hand covering my mouth to muffle a scream that never came. Sweat covered me and I rolled off my bed to open the window and breathed in the fresh morning air. The dim light teased the arrival of the sun and created a pleasing skyline of the city around me. I took another deep breath. It had been a while since I'd had that dream, nearly six months. The last one had been brought on by a boy confessing to me. My reaction still confused me. Why should a confession spark that terrible nightmare again? ' _Because he was a stranger_?'

Sighing I remembered my promise to Hinata. He let me wait to tell them about my panic attack until this morning to give us both time to recover. I grimaced and fell back onto my messy sheets thinking about the past, the better parts to chase away the bad.

The next months went by in something of a blur. Our request to keep my identity anonymous kept anyone else from knowing what had happened. I had to give my statement over and over and by the time my testimony was recorded for the trial I was able to get through it all without breaking down in the middle. I never had to face the man who did it and I never wanted to. I didn't understand how my father had been able to go to the hearings.

My brothers and I missed too much school before the doctor told us we had to get back to some semblance of normalcy. That we had to continue with our lives and doing so didn't mean that nothing happened, but that we would still survive. Hinata cried when he left to go back to university and Haru held my hand when my parents dropped me off for my first day back to school. A few key administrators and teachers were told of what happened in order to help me re enter school more smoothly. My assignments were different. Not easier, but less time consuming than what the other students got. Somehow my grades were good enough to land me in one of the higher classes at Aobajousai. I suspected it was due to the lack of club activities.

A few weeks before my first year of high school I attended a trauma support group. Most of the people were older than me except for one angry looking boy. He never spoke so I didn't know his age for sure but he seemed closest to me in years. No one used their family names there for anonymity and I began to know him as Hajime. I never quite got used to strangers addressing me by 'Himari' and it took a long time before I shared my story. I told them that I had hurt myself whenever I had bad or painful memories; that it helped keep me in the present instead of on the floor in that locker room.

The day I shared Hajime approached me before I left and spoke two short, blunt sentences: "Don't hurt yourself. It's stupid." His surly face barely turned to me when he spoke but for some reason I smiled. It had been months since the last time I had smiled.

Second week of my first year I saw him in my school. He was on the volleyball team and a first year, like me. I could barely focus on my cleaning duties out of nervousness. Rationally I knew he wouldn't go spouting my story to anyone but the fear was still there. He was talking to a brown haired boy with expressive eyes who was moving his hands animatedly and making what looked to be some profound statement I couldn't hear. Hajime seemed unimpressed and his friend pouted like a child. Turning away from the whining he cast an irritated glare in my direction. Recognition alighted his features and I turned away mortified that I had been caught staring.

That was the day I heard the name Oikawa Tooru. The light that shone from him as he played got brighter with every movement and I wondered how the people closest to him weren't blinded. He put his whole self into the game, somehow always more than others, and even though it was practice he tried as hard as if it had bee nationals. Through that intensity and desire to win was the purest joy. It was incredible and so alike my brothers that I struggled to complete my cleaning duties that day.

At the next trauma survivor meeting Hajime shared his story. His younger sister had been greatly depressed, not through abuse or trauma, but due to a chemical imbalance in her brain. She tried so hard to be happy but it was always just out of her reach. In middle school he had caught her cutting herself in the bathroom and she begged him to keep it a secret. She swore she would stop and for a while, Hajime believed she did. She seemed to feel better although, Hajime said, it was probably for his benefit. He knew now that she had been hiding her depression. Knew it because he had come home from practice to find her alone in her room laying in blood.

I knew then that he had approached me out of the guilt he endured after his sister's death. I was yet another young person damaging themselves and he, having made the mistake before, had not been able to remain quiet. Running to him after the meeting I grasped his sleeve tightly. ' _He needs to know_.'

"It was never your fault." The hard lines of anger on his face collapsed in shock and then crumpled in pain. He turned away and I let him leave. He had to know that it wasn't his fault.

We began to sit next to each other at meetings and at some point we had started carpooling. Eventually we spent much of our Sunday's together going to either his place or mine. We never met in public, that wasn't our space. Our space was anywhere away from prying eyes where just each other's company could dull our wounds. There was no talk about our lives or our feelings. Instead we would argue over the details of books we read too long ago to decide the winner. Or cook our favorite foods (he insisted that his tasteless fried tofu was better than okonomiyaki). Many times we just studied quietly.

There were some moments when either he or I would become distant, trying to work through a difficult emotion. Those were the moments that truly brought us closer together. We realized that we wouldn't have to explain what we were feeling or hide it because the other would just know. We had both experienced different trauma but in the end it affected us in similar ways.

Padding footsteps in the hallway told me that Hinata was up. They faded away as he walked downstairs and I stretched again, feeling better after reminiscing over my friendship with Hajikun. The stress and anxiety of the previous day had been hard to bear but as I remembered it I couldn't bring myself to regret it. I felt my fingers absently trace the palm of my right hand as I wandered around my room, dressing for the day. My hand felt slightly sore from playing. The skin was tight and still pink and reflected the effort I had put in during the game that my aching muscles could not.

Even with the foreboding thoughts of the inevitable consequences of the game a large part of me was pushing to play again. It felt so natural and right that I was beginning to think that I had broken off an entire piece of my identity to avoid any form of sadness. As I headed downstairs I explored that feeling, wanting to hold onto it to give me strength in the coming conversation with my parents.

I entered the kitchen making enough noise to alert Hinata to my presence but said nothing as I opened the drawer that held my pill box. He was shuffling around the kitchen with a grumpy look on his face that made me smile. ' _He's still just as cranky in the mornings._ ' I tossed back my medication and sat down at the table to watch him. Pans were clattering around noisily as he prepared breakfast and I carried out a request for a rolled omelet with seaweed. My parents entered then, smiling, ever entertained by Hinata's mannerisms.

"Good morning!" I greeted and failed to sound natural.

My father looked at me sharply and Hinata turned to give me an impatient glare. ' _I get it, I'm telling them!'_

Looking sheepishly up at them I unceremoniously blurted out, "I played volleyball yesterday!"

I immediately looked down at the hands clasped together in my lap but I heard my mother slowly pull out a chair to take a seat. I saw my father's feet remain still as he stood next to the table. As soon as I dared peak at them my mother spoke.

"What were you thinking?" Her exasperated, pained tone made me wince.

"Well, I wasn't really. It just felt so fun…" My eyes slid over to my father whose face remained impassive and then to Hinata.

"This isn't my conversation." He said and turned back around as I let out a small noise of irritation.

"Fun." My mom repeated. She stared at me with scrutiny in order to, I assumed, figure out if I was being truthful.

"Yes. It was exciting and I felt happy." My voice was urging them not to be upset. I felt my pulse quicken when my father opened his mouth to speak.

"How did you do?" His question was quiet but held a monumental amount of support. A greedy smile stretched across my face.

"I beat Hinata." At that my brother turned around.

"She had the two best players on the team with her!" He glared at me and I suppressed laughter.

"A win is a win." There was a small smile on my father's face after my rebuttal but my mother was still unsatisfied.

"And what happened after?" Her gaze was still piercing. She was always too observant. She probably already knew the answer but wanted me to say it outloud.

"I had a minor panic attack." Her hand smacked the table.

There was little force behind it but the gesture was louder than the sound it made. Of course she would be mad and worried.

"But overall I was fine! I might have pushed it too far in one day but yesterday was the first time I've ever enjoyed playing volleyball that much!"

I looked over at Hinata who pretended he hadn't heard anything. It probably hurt him to hear that when I'd spent my entire life until high school playing with him and Haru. ' _You're on a roll. First Oikawa, now your own brother._ ' My mother put a hand to her forehead and reached for me with the other. When she found my hand she looked back to me.

"Do you need to see the doctor?" My next therapy appointment had been rescheduled because of the holiday week. She squeezed my hand gently and I could see her looking at me like she did back then. I tried not to cry. ' _I'll never be whole in their eyes, will I?_ '

"No. I'm doing well today. I took my medication at seven and I have the support group this afternoon. I'm fine." I emphasized when her hand tightened around mine. "Papa, I'm fine." I pleaded with my father who was watching me in the same way my mother was.

He cleared his throat and we all looked at him. He spoke only when he thought there was something worth saying.

"Take care of yourself."

His words hit me hard and then wrapped around me like a security blanket. He was trying his best not to show the same intensity as my mother but I could tell from his tone that he was just as concerned. The words he chose, however, were infinitely more comforting than worry. He wanted _me_ to take care of myself. He was trusting _me_ to gauge my mental and emotional stability. He wanted me to be independent.

I jumped from my chair and hugged him tightly and his arms slowly wrapped around me in return. The air had suddenly lifted and I felt my heart slow down to its normal pace. I saw my mother's strained face and hugged her as well, whispering that I was okay. I had the feeling that I would be saying that many times over before she felt it was true.

"Is it over?" Hinata asked holding a plate with my omelet. I reached out light a child and grasped at the air and gave a small whine to show I wanted it.


	6. Chapter 6

WOW this one took a long time. I didn't know whether or not to even include this particular part into this story. There are additional Haikyuu characters in this chapter and I wanted to make them important to the story somehow, not just thrown in there. I have an issue when characters have no backstory.

Special Disclaimer: It starts off really dark and with another information dump but I promise it's worth it. There are too many people who have been affected by trauma to make a realistic story with only two people who have had terrible experiences. If you look at statistics of reported and suspected unreported instances of sexual violence and other traumas most likely half of the people you know have been affected in some way.

So, I apologize again because this chapter may be intense. It will be much less detailed about the trauma itself and focused more on the emotional effects that happened afterward. After this chapter the updates will be closer together. Thanks for your support!

* * *

Chapter 6 - Yet another special disclaimer above

It Must Be Never-ending

Hajikun and I stepped into the quiet building and made our way down the carpeted hallway. As usual our meeting room was the smallest in the building. Survivors of trauma were often too humiliated or upset to join a group and discuss their history in public. Many didn't come forward to get help privately. At least half the people in our group were prompted to join the meetings by our therapists. The other's had found the strength in themselves to seek out company that could understand. The familiar sprawl of chairs lay in front of us and Hajikun moved to sit down.

"I'm going to get some tea. Do you want some?" He gave a short nod before leaving me at the door.

The small table set near the entrance had mugs and an electric kettle and I worked slowly to stretch the time before the start of the meeting. We had been some of the last to arrive but the door remained open past the starting time for those running late or nervous newcomers. I'd poured both cups and set a timer for the tea to steep when I heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, hey, hey! What do we have here?" I turned to see the lanky figure of Koutarou bounding through the door. I smiled immediately, it was hard not to in his presence.

"Koutarou! It's good to see you!" My sentiments were muffled in the hug he eclipsed me in.

Seeing him was fairly uncommon as he lived in Kanto but when he visited Miyagi he brightened up our meetings. His last appearance, though, had only been a month ago and his sudden visit was unusual. He dove into conversation right away and I tried to pay attention but as I looked around I noticed someone was missing.

"Where's Keiji?" At once the mood shifted and Koutarou's smile fell. My hands flew to my hair and worried through the end of my braid. Seeing him sad was disconcerting and my brain quickly recounted everything I knew of him, obsessing over what had led to this particular bout of sadness.

Koutarou and Keiji had been new to the group at the beginning of the year and we knew from the first day that they would only attend intermittently. Koutarou spoke for both of them as he recalled the reason they sought out the group.

The spring before they arrived both boys had been training hard after failing once again advance in nationals. They were exhausted and overwhelmed and Keiji, ever the voice of reason, tried to convince Koutarou to slow down. Hours of practice had only served in shredding their muscles and dampening their spirits further, for the more fatigued they became the more their game suffered. But Koutarou, after being named one of the top three ace's in the country, felt responsible for his team's failure to compete at a higher level. He lashed out in ways he hadn't before and it became too much for Keiji to bear. No manner of level-headedness would help him stop his captain from working himself to the bone. It became their first fight.

The tension between them had only been made worse by their uncertain relationship. No one on the team would have been surprised to find that the setter and ace harbored feelings for each other had those feelings been made known. It was that argument Koutarou had used when trying to persuade Keiji time and time again to reveal how they felt. He had been sick of holding back for the sake of the team but Keiji wouldn't budge. If they entered into something romantic he wouldn't be able to trust himself to remain impartial as the team's strategist. His constant rejection fueled Koutarou's argumentative side and Keiji left him in the gym alone.

As he stormed away he wanted nothing more than to turn back but he had no notion of how to fix what they had just broken. The words they had slung at each other were already beginning to fade from memory and all he felt was regret. So much of his time was spent trying to maneuver Koutarou to perform at his best and he realized he had never truly given weight to the varying emotions of the other. It occurred to him that the reason he was so upset with Koutarou was because that had been the first time he was unable to manipulate him.

Those thoughts filtered through his head and his pace slowed. The guilt he had already been feeling was multiplied by the knowledge that he had absolutely been taking advantage of his captain who had trusted him so implicitly. He had been controlling Koutarou from behind the scenes, humiliating him, and Koutarou had never even known. He had been a large part of the reason not many took the boy seriously because his personality was so opposite. At every turn he had been defiant and mocking and yet it took Koutarou an entire year to finally break.

His feet had turned around before he made the decision but once he realized he put every ounce of energy he'd had left and ran back the way he came. By the time he had reached the school grounds he was panting from the effort. He ran to the gym and found the doors locked, cursing. Koutarou had left. He might see him the following day but he felt a desperate desire to make things right. Before he could begin pacing in his urgency he heard a faint sound from the side of the building.

His stomach felt cold because he was certain that it was the sound of crying. Slowly, he approached the sound, heart beating fast as it had during the run. Rounding the corner he felt the cold spread to his whole body. His brain, usually so sharp, seemed like it was trying not to process the picture in front of him.

Koutarou lay in the dirt, tears streaking down his face and clothes askew. It was impossible not to know what had transpired.

They were both horrified and helpless as Keiji set his clothes to rights. He held his friend and made an attempt at phoning the police but Koutarou begged him not to. His tears had not stopped and the way he clung to Keiji tore him to pieces. He wouldn't force him into anything, not anymore. His only job going forward would be to give Koutarou anything and everything he needed.

And he did. He never once left his side apart from the hours they spent at their own homes. Each morning he was waiting to accompany him to school, in between classes, during any activity outside of volleyball. The moments when Koutarou could not be within his sight were excruciating. Even their moments together were not without pain. The humiliation and violence Koutarou had endured weighed on them both.

And it got worse.

Weeks after, with both boys still struggling to cope, Koutarou fell ill. At first it seemed like an opportunity to spend time away from school and club activities; to take the time off he so desperately needed and hadn't gotten. He spent days in bed with fever and fatigue consuming him and his parents checking in every time they could. Although he had objected, Keiji came every evening as well casting aside concerns that he too would get sick.

Days became a week, then two, and Keiji began to feel the same coldness he had the night he found his friend. He kept his concerns to himself but poured over all the information he could find. His eyes stung from the hours of reading when the answer struck him like a train.

Neither of them had ever thought of the necessity of Koutarou taking an HIV test. How could they? It had only been a few weeks since the attack and they were both still reeling, still in shock. They hadn't told anyone; no parents, no police. No one who would have known right away. Keiji cried. He cried at his stupidity, he cried for Koutarou, he cried from the anger for what had happened. He cried all he could before he saw Koutarou so he could be strong for him.

When he next approached Koutarou his face could not hide his devastation. After minutes of avoidance and awkward silence he turned to his friend and attempted to speak but was cut short. The look on Koutarou's face was unlike any he had every seen before and he knew that they had come to the same conclusion. They both knew that the illness wasn't due to flu and that the secret, terrible event would have to be known, at least to his parents. As they cried in the comfort of each other's arms they exchanged the first utterance of 'I love you'.

Koutarou insisted on the utmost secrecy. It was clear that he needed to be tested and begin treatment but he couldn't bear the thought that his situation might be known, at least not yet. He hadn't told anyone his sexuality, let alone the rape, and having his illness known would have sent him into isolation. They agreed to see a doctor in a different district, in Miyagi, and commute when appointments were needed.

Keiji refused to leave his side and so he too made the trips. They could not be separated and that is exactly how they arrived to the trauma survivors meeting; hand in hand.

But Koutarou had arrived alone for the first time and I just knew it had something to do with his diagnoses. I knew very little of the disease but I understood from our meetings that the virus was persistent. Treatment constantly had to be monitored or changed to prevent adaptation by the virus. I thought of what I would have done, what would have caused me to lie to a person I loved. Hiding something from Keiji must have meant that Koutarou was worried, afraid of hearing something bad.

My chest felt tight and I couldn't bring myself to feel that he was wrong. I, too, would have done anything to keep pain away from the people I loved.

"Oh, Koutarou." I whispered, reaching for his hand. He opened his mouth to speak. "No, no. You don't have to say anything, I understand."

We stood together for a moment in silence, collecting our emotions. I saw the strain on his face plainly then. It made sense for him to want to spare Keiji from feeling the same way. I saw the counselor give us an encouraging look and tugged his hand in the direction of the circle, letting go to grab the cups of tea before following him.

* * *

The meeting went along as expected. Our counselor talked about the 'steps' each of us were on toward our individual recovery. There were no actual steps, no '12 Step Program' as there were for addicts. We weren't trying to cure a disease, but trying to heal our spirits. We measured how far we were in our recovery by our thoughts and feelings during day-to-day activities. How did we feel walking to the bus stop? Were we present when hanging out with friends or loved ones? How did we react to meeting new people? And so on.

Apparently, I was doing well. The mention of volleyball didn't seem to phase the counselor. Instead, he calmly affirmed my decision to explore things I used to love. It was a sign that I had reached a level of healing that was just one step closer to accepting that nothing had been taken from me. My attacker, tormenter, would soon no longer control my every action and reaction.

I found that hard to believe and yet I had hope. Though I tried not to observe the carefree students my age it was impossible not to see the differences between them and myself. Girls walked around with their hair silky and styled with makeup to accentuate their best features, unconcerned about the eyes that would be drawn their way. I envied them. I wanted to be them.

My sad musings were interrupted. It was no longer my turn to share and focus passed on to Koutarou. His face held the trademark grin, always present when attention was put upon him.

"What is there to say that hasn't already been said?" His open palms faced the circle around him.

Our counselor adjusted his glasses. "How about Kieji's absence at today's meeting?"

The smile faltered and his hands stayed frozen in place. He remained unmoving for a few moments as they eyes each other. Koutarou laughed, humorless and bitter, and his hands fell heavy to his lap.

"He couldn't make it."  
"I find that hard to believe." I could sense the collective mood of the attendees tense and wondered if they were all holding their breath, like me.

Koutarou looked angry and it looked absolutely wrong. I'd seen him melancholy, ecstatic, exuberant, ill, deprecating, but never seething as he was. His hands were clenched into fists and I felt my hand stretch out to console him but he moved away from my touch, glaring at me.

"Fine," he turned back to the counselor, "you wanna know what's wrong?"

He paused briefly as if he was waiting for the other to back down.

"He isn't here because I didn't tell him I was coming, okay? I know you're all wondering why I'm back so soon. My last visit was only a month ago, why should I be back?" His words were coming fast. "Last month was supposed to be routine, to check the effectiveness of the ARV's. I was feeling good, practicing, seeing a therapist, going to meetings. It felt like I didn't even have- like I didn't even have HIV."

He was trembling and tears were threatening to break through his control. His anger had dissipated and we could see the frightened boy underneath. The exasperation he had felt was understandable, relatable. Being forced to talk about your feelings during a particularly difficult time was maddening.

"But the tests came back and my T-cells had dropped. It was terrifying. How could my body be sick when I don't even feel sick? And then I looked over at Keiji who looked worse off than me. He blames himself, ya know? He thinks it's somehow his fault that I've got this and no matter what I say it doesn't seem to help. Every piece of bad news beats him a little more and I can't do that to him again. If tomorrow's tests come back and it's bad then-"

He cut off again but we all knew what he was thinking. How could he let someone he loved feel the pain of his illness? Of course, when someone loves you they would endure any pain imaginable just to be with you. I knew Keiji felt that way, Koutarou knew it too. It must have been easier to lie to him rather than put him through the ups and downs of the volatile virus that is HIV.

"It's so hard. He's so afraid to touch me that we barely hold hands. I have to beg him just for a kiss. And I know it's not because of the disease. I know he's afraid to be intimate because of the abuse I endured but it still hurts all the same.

"But can I even tell him that? Can I tell him I want to do more? Would he think I was crazy for wanting that? And should I even want that because I'm a walking infection? And because my only sexual experience was forced and violent? And why can't I be normal because I just want to be intimate with the person I love but I can't even think about having sex because I'm a battered virus and I'm not a person anymore!"

His last words seemed to sit in the air, falling on the room and weighing us down. I didn't hesitate to reach out to him again and he leaned into my touch. My lungs ached because I'd been hesitant to even breathe during the tumultuous and emotional break. Koutarou was staring wide-eyed at his lap, panting, and letting his tears fall into his jeans. A round of shaky breaths could be heard as the room lapsed back into quiet expectancy. All eyes were on the counselor.

"That all sounds very hard to bear, Koutarou." His voice was steady and comforting. Koutarou's hand squeezed mine. "You are not wrong for feeling that way, after all, feelings can never really be wrong. They are teaching moments when your body is telling you something your mind cannot yet. You're afraid, Koutarou, and no one will fault you for that.

"But, why do we run from what brings us fear? Who taught us that fear is to be avoided? As I've said, feelings are teaching moments, so explore that fear. Why are you afraid?"

Koutarou blinked at his legs and looked up, confused.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Is it?"

I scooted my chair closer to him, unsure of why. Perhaps it was because I always felt that the proper physical contact could be as healing to the spirit as medicine was to the body. Our shoulders touched and I hoped my hand in his would give him enough strength. ' _Keiji should be here. Keiji is who he wants right now._ '

"I'm… I'm afraid of tomorrow's test results." The counselor held his hand out, motioning for him to continue. Koutarou sighed.

"I'm afraid of seeing the look on my parents' faces if things get bad. I'm afraid of dying. I guess I'm mostly afraid of seeing Keiji cry again. If I die what will happen to him? I'm afraid to leave him alone."

His words shook is all and I wasn't the only one holding back tears. I looked to Hajikun whose eyes were closed. ' _He must be thinking of his sister'_. He knew first hand what it was like to be left alone after someone you loved passed on. I reached out to him as well and rested my hand on his knee. His eyes remained closed but he held onto me tightly.

"Recognizing our fears is extremely important. Do you know why?" The question was directed at the group. No one came forward.

"When they are identified they become more easy to bear. When all of our fears are compiled together it is too overwhelming for us to move forward. We will always be stuck running away from it.

"Your fears, Koutarou, are founded and expected but if you try to avoid them all, then you have lost. Take each fear on its own. Understand how it makes you act. Try and figure out a way to overcome its hold on you.

"It is different for everyone. Some people funnel their fears into writing or art. Some make lifestyle changes; eating healthy, exercising. You must use your fear just as you would any other emotion."

' _Just as you would any other emotion'._ It seemed so simple; don't run away from your fears. But does anyone really know when they're running away? And what was I afraid of? What was at the root of all of the fear I felt?

 _'Sex._ '

"Ah!"

"Himari, did you have something to say?" The group faced me expectantly. ' _Of course. Of course I would draw attention to myself_ _ **now**_ '.

"No. My apologies."

He moved on, mouth explaining what he meant further but I was on a different track. The first thing that had come to mind when I thought of my fears was _sex_. Of course, it was so much more complicated than that, but was that really what all my fears stemmed from?

Tallying up my list of fears was daunting but I could no longer focus on anything else. Fear of the opposite gender, fear of being alone in a public space, fear of being attractive, fear of drawing attention to myself, fear of emotional relationships with the opposite gender, fear of physical touch.

Yes. Yes, all those could be traced back to the learned fear I had of sex. After all, sex as I knew it was non consensual, rough, terrifying, humiliating, traumatizing. If there was even a possibility that an action would lead to my thinking of physical attraction of any kind I avoided it. Even if the action might cause me to think of someone in more than a platonic fashion I shied away.

The only time a boy confessed to me I nearly had a panic attack on the spot. Attraction was linked to rape. Was it going to be possible to rewire my brain?

"Mari." The clear, solid voice broke through my thoughts.

Hajikun was looking at me intently, recovered from his earlier pain. Chairs were shifted as people began to leave. The counselor had already given his parting statement and the meeting was over. My left side felt chilly and I realized not Koutarou was no longer there.

"Where-?" I couldn't quite form a full sentence. I felt as though I had been pulled out of a dream.

"He left quickly saying he was going to call Keiji." He smiled then, a small one but any form of happiness in Hajikun's face was a sight to behold.

"That's fantastic." My thoughts were beginning to lift and I took his outstretched hand, letting myself be pulled to my feet.

"Are we still on for dinner?" He asked.

"Of course. My mom is probably already shopping. She's going to make your favorite." I made a face of disgust and he affectionately ruffled my hair.

"You'll eat it and you'll like it." I couldn't help the smile they broke across my face, hurting my cheeks. The side of Hajikun that joked playfully was a rare treat.

We exited the building together, our banter getting louder and louder as we went.

* * *

My phone rang on Sunday afternoon and I was surprised to see that it was Hajikun.

"Is everything okay?" I asked immediately. A phone call from him was rare.

"Yeah-" there was some banging and rustling on his end and my eyebrow raised high, "I think I have to cancel tonight."

More banging. His voice sounded weird, like he was talking while lifting weights.

"Hajikun, what's going on over there?"

"Stop trying to get in dumbass! It's a single occupancy bathroom!" Muffled yelling was heard followed by some grunting from Hajikun.

"I might have to take a raincheck on tonight. Shittykawa won't stop asking where I'm going. He's threatening to follow me there."

I took in the information I had and realized that Hajikun had shut himself in a bathroom to make the call. Oikawa was protesting and trying to muscle his way in. I laughed so loudly that Hinata ran into the living room to see what was so funny

"Let him come." I found myself saying although I was sure my brain hadn't told my mouth to say anything of the sort.

A pause. "What?"

My inexplicable urge to let Oikawa join us for dinner was suddenly very strong.

"Tell him where you're going and I doubt he'll want to join. If you're okay with him knowing. If he somehow still wants to join you then...Let him come."

There was silence from Hajikun but I could hear more of Oikawa's whines through the door.

He sighed. There was a creak of a door opening and then a loud crash. The last thing I heard was Oikawa saying, "Iwa-chan! I could have really been hurt-" before the line went dead.

Less than a minute later my phone chirped. One new message from Hajikun:

 _Dinner for 6_

I counted twice to be sure. Oikawa Tooru was coming over for dinner.


	7. Chapter 7

Back to fun, this chapter is more light than the last. Forgive me if these last two chapters seem rushed, and also, please tell me!

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

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Chapter 7

She Criticizes Me For Being Egocentric

I had to tell Aoi-chan. Not immediately because I wouldn't have been able to stop her from coming over and ogling him, but I definitely had to call her after. I hadn't even told her what I said to him on Friday. That I would _definitely_ have to tell her over the phone or she would throttle me senseless. And to have him over for dinner, her mind was sure to explode.

My words to him replayed i my mind over and over as I worked next to my mother in the kitchen. By the time I checked the rise of the bread dough I could remember the exact moment his smile faltered. I could pinpoint when his eyes became void of humor. I didn't know why he wanted to come over but at that point I was positive that he did not like me. ' _Why would he?'_ I put the bread in the oven. I had made this recipe more times than I could count but I set the timer just in case. The bread would be ready to come out just as dinner was ready and would cool by the time we finished.

I heard the knock on the door and jumped although it was soft. My mother was still busy so I wiped my hands on the apron to clear them of dough and flour and headed to answer the door. Hinata was teaching my father how to play chess in the next room and I saw him smiling as I passed. ' _You won't be smiling once papa gets the hang of it._ '

I didn't realize until my hand was on the handle that my pulse had been racing. I chewed on my lip and opened the door.

Hajikun looked more irritated than usual which could have easily been attributed to the figure just behind him on his right. Oikawa stood, unusually subdued, and I hoped I wasn't grimacing as I welcomed them inside.

"Hajikun Oikawa. Hello" They entered and, while Hajikun mumbled, Oikawa very clearly said said 'forgive the intrusion' and stiffly took off his shoes. I hadn't missed his surprised at my familiarity with his friend.

"My father and Hinata are playing chess and my mother is in the kitchen. Would you like some tea?" I was being awkward and they both felt it.

Hajikun put a hand on top of my head.

"Stop being weird." He turned away and headed toward the living area.

I looked nervously at Oikawa and followed after him, hearing the former trail behind me. I suddenly felt self conscious about the way I walked. We entered as my father gave up his king and admitted his second defeat. Hinata looked up and I rolled my eyes at his grin.

"Hello Hajime. Welcome, Oikawa."

Brief introductions were exchanged between the men and I looked for an escape from another of Oikawa's inquisitive stares. When Hinata began explaining how he had been learning chess from a foreign student I turned and hurried away.

In the kitchen I took off my apron and set it aside to wash later.

"Mama, do you mind if I step outside for a bit?" She turned and smiled, giving me a shake of her head before returning to work. I saw the dregs in the pan and knew she was almost finished with dinner.

The sliding door lead to a small backyard. Living farther from the city allowed for more outdoor space, but not much. There was a small rock bed that flowed with water after any decent rainfall and hardy plants that required little maintenance. In the corner farthest from the house was a small bench with a worn volleyball sitting atop it.

' _Hinata's been practicing. Maybe the loss the other day gave him some drive?_ ' I picked it up and tossed it a few times straight up, thinking about why my nerves were suddenly frayed. I'd never felt that sort of anxiousness before. My usual anxiety was distressing and all consuming. This was just a flutter in the gut or a shake in my hand. The close proximity to a person I felt I had wronged was disconcerting.

My toss was off and the ball flew behind me. I turned to chase it when I found it had already been retrieved by the same damned person I always seemed to see. At the door I had been too preoccupied to fully take in his appearance but I seemed to want to in that moment. He wore slim tan pants with a simple grey crew neck shirt and a casual black sweater buttoned up only halfway with the sleeves pushed onto his forearms. ' _If his fangirls could see him now_.'

"Of course." The whisper came unbidden as most of my words did around him. "You like to sneak up on people don't you?"

He tossed the ball to me.

"Not people, just you. To catch someone so exceptionally observant off-guard is really rewarding." He altered his stance into a receiving position and I tossed the ball out of habit. We passed as we spoke.

"I'm not exceptionally observant. I'm just arrogant and opinionated." As I had been learning, my filter became very loose when speaking to him. My honesty was surprising me.

"I have a hard time believing that."

"You shouldn't. You've experienced much of it first hand." He looked thoughtful for a moment after I spoke.

"Expressing an opinion is only arrogant if you believe it to be the only one that matters." His eyes left the ball to look at me. "I think you don't believe your opinion to be important at all."

"Now there's someone who's exceptionally observant." I responded low and defeated.

My guard was truly down for an acquaintance to see that deeply into me. That, again, was Oikawa's power. He was disarming even if you knew him to be so. You could think yourself immune but that would only make you more vulnerable.

I wondered, not for the first time, what he was doing at my house. What had prompted him to accompany Hajikun? Why was he going out of his way to talk to me? By all accounts he should have been keeping his distance as I was prepared to do once school came back in session. I grabbed the ball when it came to me.

"I'm sorry for what I said, Oikawa-san."

"I know."

"Why are you here?"

"I don't know."

"That's fair, I guess." I sighed and sat on the bench and curled over the ball in my lap. Apparently he was just as confused about his actions as I was.

He sat down next to me. The bench was much smaller than the ones at school and I could feel the heat from his body. I was compelled to look at him.

"Did you mean what you said?" The question made my cheeks burn. ' _Why do you have to bring that up?'_

"You'll have to be more specific. Are you talking about the parts where I needlessly flattered you and embarrassed myself, or when I slandered your character and embarrassed myself?" My face was still red but to my surprise he only smiled.

"All of it."

I stared at him hard, attempting to glean any motive behind his question but he was irritatingly reserved and closed off. Nothing but the light smirk played on his face and the intent gaze he directed toward me. I shook my head, feeling my words leave my mouth even though I didn't want them to.

"Then I guess I did." I didn't know what else to say.

"So you think I'm talented and amazing." His grin was so infectious I had to actively prevent my mouth from following the example.

"That's what you took away from it? Wow, I was wrong about your ego, it's much greater than I thought." I forced an eye roll.

"It's no use. There's nothing you can say that will take away how fantastic you find me. Ego or no, you'll still watch me every day."

He was making fun of me and yet I couldn't find it in myself to be embarrassed or outraged. Instead I smiled back at him and shook my bewildered head. Whatever talent Oikawa possessed that made people want to be near him was infinitely more potent when he was being natural. The good natured teasing he dished out wasn't part of his facade. I finally turned myself away and slouched over the ball once more.

"You're making it difficult for me to live with myself, you know."

Shock was in his voice and he nearly laughed.

"What are you talking about?" He leaned closer and my body again turned toward him.

His face was full of interest; the look someone had when they were watching a particularly entertaining movie.

"If you had just let me avoid you I could have tried to slowly drift into denial about how terrible I've been to you." He did laugh at that.

"Well, I guess you can call us even then? You struck me down so swiftly but now I'm forcing you to look on the wounded creature you left in your wake." He was laughing and so I did too.

"You're hardly wounded." I joked back, caught "But I'll take it if that's my punishment. The joke is on you though, looking at you is a lenient sentence in my book." His eyes sparkled and I found that I could not look away.

"Is that so?" His voice was deep and filled with something akin to pleasure. My mouth went dry.

"Food's ready!" Hinata called from the door and raised his eyebrows at us. I turned back to Oikawa and my mind finally caught up to what I said. ' _I said looking at him was a lenient sentence. He'll think that-'_

"I didn't mean-" my exasperated plea was cut off.

"Let's eat!" Oikawa said with his trademark smile. After a long moment rife with distress I followed him into the house.

* * *

Her casual-wear was flattering although it was a conservative fashion. She was wearing black slacks that fit at the hip and thigh but loosened from the knee down. The sleeves of her light purple shirt stopped before her elbows and clung attractively to her frame. She also wore an apron dusted with flour and Oikawa wanted to ask what she'd been making but was momentarily stunned by the familiarity between her and Iwaizumi. ' _Hajikun?_ '

She seemed nervous and unsure of how to act but Iwa-chan was unaffected, ruffling her hair and telling her to relax. When he found out that his friend had been invited over here he thought that there might be some friendliness between their families but he was astounded by the level of comfort Iwaizumi had in their home. He entered the house on his own, leaving Oikawa and Nakahara to follow.

Her father looked much like his children, particularly his son, but had dark brown eyes. He, too, welcomed Iwaizumi by his given name and soon the pair were telling their guests about the game they had just finished, with markedly different expressions. On the very edge of his vision Oikawa saw Nakahara slip out of the room and excused himself moments later to follow. She was leaving the kitchen as he entered and her mother turned to greet him with a smile.

"You must be Oikawa. It's good to see more of Himari's friends around here." She said warmly and he smiled at her words.

Nakahara must not have told her family anything about him. Considering what she had told him the other day, she definitely did _not_ consider him even friend adjacent.

"I am, thank you for having me." Bowing respectfully he continued past her. "Did Nakahara-chan go this way?"

"Yes, she stepped outside for a minute while her bread finishes."

' _Question answered. She was baking bread._ '

"What kind of bread?"

"Milk bread. With the good milk." She winked and went back to her work. She looked to be nearly finished.

' _Milk bread, huh.'_

"Excuse me, is that her favorite bread?"

"Hmm. She's made it many times before but her usual favorites are melon pan or an pan. Maybe her tastes have changed, she seemed to take great care today."

She smiled at him thinking how handsome he was, and less angry than Hajime. Her daughter might have objected to that information being shared but she could barely contain herself. For the first time in her life Himari had asked to bring a boy over other than Hajime and it was difficult to contain her hopes that Himari's assertions about her emotional stability were true. Being friends, being comfortable, with boys was a part of her healing process. No matter how uncomfortable it might be for her family, they had to understand that this growth was necessary.

Oikawa thanked her before following Himari outside. He found her tossing the ball, back facing him, but he thought he could tell she was in deep thought. He tried to think of something to say but everything seemed lame or awkward. Still in thought the ball bounced toward him and she turned around. He wouldn't need to say anything after all.

He let her stare at him and he stared at her. After a moment she whispered something and then addressed him.

"You like to sneak up on people, don't you?"

He thought he hadn't been very sneaky but the look of surprise on her face had been rather enjoyable. So, while he hadn't gone out of his way to 'sneak' he certainly did like the results.

"Not people. Just you. To catch someone so exceptionally observant off guard is really rewarding." He tossed her the ball and fell into receiving position.

"I'm not exceptionally observant." She spoke as she threw the ball back at him. "I'm just arrogant and opinionated."

She was as blunt as she had been before and he thought it was honest. Her eyes focused on the ball.

"I have a hard time believing that."

"You shouldn't. You've experienced much of it first hand." The reply came so quickly that Oikawa took a moment to think on her words.

He had experienced her expressing her opinions but had it felt arrogant? ' _Not at all, actually._ ' If anything, the fact that she had spilled out all of her opinions on him at once gave credit to how little she expressed herself usually.

"Expressing an opinion is only arrogant if you believe it to be the only one that matters. I think you don't believe your opinion to be important at all."

The conversation was interesting. Since her outburst toward in on friday it seemed something changed in her and she wasn't trying as hard to curb her words.

"Now there's someone who's exceptionally observant."

He didn't know how to respond to that. He was generally pretty aware of how people worked and why they acted certain ways. Usually, he was able to use it to his advantage. Here, however, he had no endgame, just curiosity about the girl silently and easily passing the ball back to him. She caught the ball abruptly.

"I'm very sorry for what I said, Oikawa-san"

"I know."

"Why are you here?"

"I don't know." The answer came easy, fast, but even if he had hours to think of the response he would probably not find one.

Coming to her house had been instinctual like the decisions he made during a match. She held the volleyball close and sat on the bench.

"That's fair, I guess."

He was once again witnessing a different version of her. She was comfortable at home, able to relax outside despite his intrusion. This time she was neither challenging nor competitive, but contrite. He wanted to continue the conversation and explore this facet of her personality longer. When he joined her on the bench he felt the proximity bodily. Despite her dress and manner of carrying herself she was attractive. He was not immune.

"Did you mean what you said?" His question was intended to throw her for a loop and control the conversation.

He realized he was playing into exactly what she had said the previous Friday, but his physical attraction to her prompted his usual instinct to shift the flow of conversation. When her cheeks reddened he felt both victorious and guilty.

"You'll have to be more specific. Are you talking about the parts where I needlessly flattered you and embarrassed myself, or when I slandered your character and embarrassed myself?"

Her words checked his victory and toppled it over. He hadn't expected such an aggressive response. It was all he could do to respond normally.

"All of it."

They sat looking at each other for a moment and Oikawa began to feel eager for the answer. Her words had stuck with him in the days that past. No one other than Iwa-chan had been so correct in their estimation of him, though her flattery had been greater than even that which he received from his fans.

She compared him to her brother's. He had little knowledge of her, but of her brother's he knew quite a bit. For her, someone so close to them, to make the comparison was a fantastic compliment. That, and she had been so sincere which made the latter half of her monologue much more acute.

He had asked his question to uproot her but realized that he did very much want an answer.

"Then I guess I did." Her answer did little to satisfy his wants.

"So you think I'm talented and amazing." Oikawa was sure to phrase it as a fact, for she had said it so there was no question.

Her eyes did not turn away though, and there was no longer any trace of the blush that had been on her cheeks seconds before.

"That's what you took away from it? Wow, I was wrong about your ego, it's much greater than I thought." She rolled her eyes for effect and he wanted to force her to break out the smile he knew she was holding back.

"It's no use. There's nothing you can say that will take away how fantastic you find me. Ego or no, you'll still watch me every day."

She smiled and shook her head and he felt unnaturally rewarded. But then she turned away and leaned on the volleyball again.

"You're making it difficult for me to live with myself."

He was shocked he nearly laughed. ' _What on earth is she talking about?_ ' He asked her as much and she shifted her eyes to meet his.

"If you had just let me avoid you I could have tried to slowly drift into denial about how terrible I've been to you.

The pout on her face was so earnest that he couldn't hold back his laughter anymore. It was possibly the first time she had not been in control of her expression aside from the fe times he managed to surprise her.

"Well, I guess you can call us even then? You struck me down so swiftly but now I'm forcing you to look on the wounded creature you left in your wake."

Oikawa's theatrical, semi-flirtatious personality edged its way into his tone and found it refreshing that he hadn't been trying to. He was simply enjoying himself. How long had it been since he had spoken with a girl without manipulating the entire conversation? He supposed the credit went to Nakahara, for she didn't care for his attentions. She saw him as a person and not Oikawa Tooru, brilliant setter.

"You're hardly wounded." She was laughing as well but her tone was sure. She had been absolutely sure that her words had had no effect on him.

'But I'll take it if that's my punishment. The joke is on you though, looking at you is a lenient sentence in my book."

Pleasure struck his gut and he wondered why he liked the idea of her looking at him, aside from enjoying the attentions of an attractive girl.

"Is that so?" He found his voice was expressing the satisfaction he had felt at her words and realized by the look on her face that she hadn't known what she said.

"Food's ready!" Hinata called to the pair and Oikawa did not miss the look sent his way. He looked at Himari and saw something dawn on her face. Something akin to regret and shock.

"I didn't mean-" she began to try and explain but he spoke, rushing to interrupt.

"Let's eat!" OIkawa said and smiled in his usual manner. The thin veneer that hid what he was really thinking and feeling. He did not want to hear her say that she misspoke, preferring to believe that she really did enjoy looking at him. Just for a little while longer.


	8. Chapter 8

More fun this chapter. THANK you, Sky65, I hope my updates stay in par with the chapters that you found interesting! Minki, I hope you feel better. Being sick and trying to tension aware of _anything_ is difficult, so I really really appreciate you reading and reviewing. As always, you are fantastic.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 8

So Give it up and Smile

Oikawa was stiff during dinner and I cursed my parents for shuffling me between him and Hajikun. I was painfully aware of him now. ' _Looking at you is a lenient sentence. That's what I said. I basically said I like looking at him._ ' And I did look at him out of the corner of my eye. His eyes slid down and I looked away.

I was caught looking again, making my case even worse. ' _You do like it though, don't you?'_ My traitorous brain was laughing at me. It was true that I had spent much of my time watching him during practices but I'd already known why. Even people who didn't care about volleyball would want to watch him. The grace of his game captured everyone. I glanced at him again and again he looked back. I felt hot with mortification and closed my eyes because that seemed to be the only way to stop compulsively looking at him.

"Is something wrong Himari?" My brother asked, always hyper-aware of my emotions.

"Ah-no." My eyes opened and I smiled at him to reassure my statement. "Just thinking about dessert."

Oikawa stifled a laugh at my side and I felt new embarrassment. I just looked at him and then told by brother that I was thinking about dessert. If that wasn't suggestive I didn't know what was. I was a master at putting myself in terrible situations.

"Oh, well I'll clear dinner. I'm sure your bread is done cooling by now." My mother said helpfully and I rode with her to prepare dessert.

"Oikawa, Himari says you love milk bread, is that right?" My father asked politely.

I had the luxury of leaving the room at that moment to hide the redness of my face. It wasn't really their fault, they thought I'd invited him because he was a friend.

My mother was right, the bread was perfect for slicing. I sliced enough for the group and put them on a baking sheet, spreading a generous amount of butter and sweetened condensed milk and sprinkling cinnamon sugar over top. They would only need a little time before the outside became toasted. While I waited I helped my mother clean up and tried to think of a good enough excuse to skip out on after dinner conversation and wallow in my room.

Hajikun entered and insisted he take over my mother's position who fretfully accepted knowing he would not back down. I smiled at him.

"We haven't had much time together tonight." I said apologetically.

"That's fine. We'll still have our usual Sundays after meetings. I won't let Oikawa pout his way into getting an invite again." He returned my smile as much as he was able. We were silent until the timer rang for me to remove the bread from the oven.

I was putting the portions on individual plates and Hajikun came beside me, finished with the dishes.

"What did you do to Oikawa?"

I nearly dropped the slice of toast I was holding.

"What do you mean?" I asked, hearing my voice go too high.

"When I told him I was coming here for dinner he got all serious and immediately said he was coming with." His eyes were searching my face for a clue and I gave in too quickly and let out a sigh.

"Well, I don't know why this would have made him want to come here but I've spoken with him a few times over the past few weeks. Each time I've been aggressively rude for some reason and the last time we spoke was the worst encounter yet." He listened with interest, frowning slightly at the last remark.

"What happened then?"

"I told him I was disappointed at how fake he was outside of volleyball and due to that his relationships outside sports were empty. Then," I paused but the look on Hajikun's face had me talking again, "then I said he acted like he was the ruler of everything."

There was a moment in which I could have sworn time itself stopped before Hajikun overflowed with laughter. It was infectious and I couldn't help but smile. His hand landed on my shoulder with a smack.

"That's perfect. No wonder."

Plating the food again I asked, "no wonder what?"

"No wonder he's over here. Oikawa doesn't know what to do with people like you. The only one who calls him out on his crap is me, and we've been friends for forever!"

He chuckled once more and grabbed three dishes, leaving the others for me.

"He's probably trying to figure you out like you did so well to him." And then he left me to scramble quickly after him.

We sat again for dessert and tea. Oikawa's smile was bright as he stared at the plate I brought him. I'd been so used to the small number of people in my life that I had forgotten the gratification of doing something nice for someone else. We all dug in and I was pleased to see that his smile only got bigger upon tasting it.

I thought on what Hajikun said, that Oikawa was trying to figure me out. His charisma was palpable. It surrounded you and warmed you and created little openings in your carefully constructed barriers. I'd already seen how easily I bent to him in conversation whether it had been by design or not, though I thought not.

Over the years of watching from a distance I had never seen Oikawa interact with others as he had me. That might have been why I spoke with such honesty. It did not bode well for me, the interest he had in understanding me.

A hand gripped my wrist so gently I might not have noticed if it wasn't for the electricity that buzzed through me. I could see the faces of the four others change, trying to hide their concern as to how I would react to unsolicited touch.

Oikawa's hand was warm and I peeled my eyes away from the long fingers that might be able to feel my rising pulse to look at him.

"Thank you." He said so earnestly that for a second there was silence and only his words and the thrumming of my heart. I smiled.

"You're welcome. Would you like to take some home?" I made no movement to remove my wrist from his and I saw my mother turn away and put a hand over her mouth, possibly to mask her shock. I didn't blame her, I was shocked too.

"I would be immensely grateful for a slice to take with me." He still hadn't removed his hand and I still hadn't felt uncomfortable.

I bowed just slightly in acknowledgement and rose to make him one to leave with. As I stood his hand slid slowly down my wrist and trailed down my littlest finger before our contact was finally severed.

It had been confusing. I only ever had close relationships with my family, Hajikun, and Aoi-chan. Aoi-chan always touched me in some way as we walked or sat to lunch or studied. She tapped my shoulder or pulled me by the hand or braided my hair. I was used to it and it never really bothered me to begin with. My family had always been among the only people whose contact was comforting and non-threatening. Hajikun had barely ever made any contact with me and it was always so extremely platonic that I'd never thought about it.

All of those relationships had time on their side to explain my ease when it came to touch. So, it was confusing that I should be so accepting of Oikawa's very sudden touch because we were little more than strangers.

I wrapped his milk toast and set it on the edge of the counter and contemplated going back to my room. The call from my mom in the living area made me sigh. ' _I guess escape isn't an option_.' I made my way back there and found everyone lounging comfortably and talking about the boys training camp the coming week.

"Coach was loudly talking about asking Hinata to join us for the week to help teach us some new things." Hajikun said and smirked over at my brother who looked like someone had just asked for his autograph.

"Oh please don't say that, his ego is going to explode." I rolled my eyes as I spoke, walking to the closest cushion and sitting in the floor closest to the window.

Hinata's pout made the family laugh.

"You should go." My father said. "If the camp is not to far away you can spend part of the day there and still join us for activities later."

As usual my father was on board with anything that would keep my brother playing volleyball. Hinata considered that for a moment and then looked to Hajikun and Oikawa.

"What time are you starting tomorrow?"

"We're heading out pretty early because we're not using the school gym and the city gym is farther away, most likely 6:30."

The time didn't seem too bad. The team was lucky to have so many options while the school was closed until the next Monday.

The logistics were discussed and I looked out the window. The neighborhood cat walked the low fence of our yard. Her coat looked silver in the light of the Moon. Some time while I was making Oikawa's toast the sun had set and the sky was dimly lit. The moon and stars made everything seem otherworldly turning the whole world shades of silver and blue. I had never been afraid of this darkness. The darkness that wasn't truly dark at all.

I was afraid of the pitch dark of a room when the lights were off. For that reason I had been given the room with the most moonlight. I couldn't have candles just yet to cast warm flickering light into my room, lighters were kept in a secret location for now. So, the moonlight had become a safety net.

My parents called my attention to the guests who were preparing to leave. I got up quickly to see them to the door.

"Thank you for coming." I said truly feeling thankful. The company had been good despite the confusion it had caused.

"Thank you for having us." Oikawa said as he pushed his shoes on. I couldn't see his expression while his head was tilted down but his voice sounded nice, calm. Hajime hugged me just slightly after I opened the door.

"See you next week." I knew he was not talking about just school,but the trauma group as well. I nodded and he walked out the door leaving Oikawa alone to say goodbye.

We were silent and then both moved to speak at the same time. And then, awkwardly, we were silent again. Oikawa looked irritated and then gave me a short wave and left. I shut the door in puzzlement.

' _We had had a good time, hadn't we? How could he possibly be irritated?_ ' I walked toward the kitchen for a slice of plain bread and remembered his anger the other day. He turned from cool to hot in a moment's time and the only explanation was that there had been something, unnoticed by me, that affected his mood. That or he was extremely unbalanced, but they didn't seem to be the case.

My eye spotted the packaged milk toast I had forgotten to give him and on impulse I grabbed it and ran to the door. I tried to remember which way Hajikun would be walking and hoped they hadn't gotten too far as I turned right out of the front gate. I saw their figures pass under the light of a far street lamp.

"Oikawa-kun!" My shout was too loud and I winced but ran at them anyway, trying not to obsess over the fact I had said 'Oikawa- _kun_ ' like it was the most natural thing in the world.

They both halted and turned to me. The previous irritation I had seen on Oikawa's face was gone. It was unreadable again. Slightly out of breath I thrust the package toward him.

"I forgot to give you this." He continued to stare for so long it became uncomfortable and Hajikun elbowed him in the ribs.

He grabbed it quickly and his fingers brushed against mine. I felt electric once again and his hand jerked away. After another moment of pure, awkward silence I couldn't bear it.

"Well good night!" ' _Why was my voice so breathy? Am I that out of breath?'_ I walked quickly back home to over analyze myself for an hour before I called Aoi-chan to make her night.

* * *

"Tell me everything that happened. Every. Single. Detail."

The significant pauses between the words punctuated Aoi-chan's intensity. If not for the bustle of the cafe around us I would have sworn I was at a police station being interrogated. I swirled my tea.

"I already told you everything on the phone."

She had forced me to recall every moment of Sunday night 'while the memories were fresh' and had since been texting me question upon question. I could almost see fire in her eyes as I tried to deny her her favorite pastime of gossiping.

"Yes, you did but it's common knowledge that you can remember different things later on. Besides, we're talking about Oikawa Tooru. At your house. Eating food you made. It's the most exciting thing to happen this year! You should do nothing **but** talk about it."

I took a sip as she chastised me lack of interest. She went on to tell me that it was a tragedy how uninterested in him I was because I wasted an opportunity to make him fall in love with me. As her words continued I thought for a moment about the concept of getting someone to like you. Or, rather, spending time with someone to increase the likelihood that they will start to like you.

It was foreign to me. I had never wanted to be around anyone aside from my friends and family and I had never felt romantic love. I had familial love and friendship and I never thought about pursuing a different relationship. That was mostly because of the assault I experienced. Now, the idea seemed interesting.

I had seen girls and boys at my school completely embarrass themselves for the small likelihood that their crush felt the same way. It didn't make sense to me, to put yourself in the spotlight when you had a good chance of being disappointed or severely hurt. That was why it was so amazing. A feeling that caused a person to be reckless with their emotions, even people like me.

"Aoi-chan," I interrupted her tirade, "how do you know if you like someone?"

My eyes, which had been out of focus as my mind wandered, looked upon her shocked face. Slowly she began to smile and, if possible, became more excited than she had at the news of Oikawa at my house.

"Mari-chan do you like somebody?" She asked too loudly. A few heads turned toward us but it was busy enough to drown out most of her squeals.

"Obviously not if I'm asking you how you how you'd know in the first place."

My voice was defensive but I was telling the truth.

"I just thought that maybe, if someone was interested in me, knowing if I liked them or not would help me decide what to do. I've never liked anyone before."

Her eyes were bewildered. The idea of not understanding an emotion so common in her life was baffling. She sighed.

"Well I guess if you don't realize you're feeling it then you'd be alone for a long time." I grimaced.

"It's different for everyone, though there are a few basics in common, so I can tell you how I feel but it might not be the same." I nodded feeling like I should have brought paper to write notes on.

"When I like someone I want to always be near them because being around them makes me feel good. I listen when they talk and have more fun in conversation with them. Even if they don't know I like them they can still cause me to smile when we're around each other or make me feel more relaxed. They're the one I think of most when I'm by myself. Liking someone feels good most of the time."

Her eyes were far away as she spoke as if recalling fond memories to aid her explanation. It sounded like a wonderful feeling. I wasn't sure I understood it fully but the idea of putting everything on the line for that feeling was beginning to make sense.

"Aoi-chan, do you like somebody?" Her attention sprung back to me and her eyes widened

"N-no! I don't. I don't like anyone." She waved her hands back and forth in front of her as if trying to deflect any more questions.

I stayed quiet but I was smirking as I lifted my cup to take a sip, nothing the sudden blush that had colored her cheeks.

Conversation fell back into less adventurous topics such as family and the extra holiday on Monday. I invited Aoi-chan to join me to meet Hinata as he returned from the volleyball training camp to which she excitedly said yes. Walking arm and arm we headed to my house. When we neared we passed under the street lamp I had met Oikawa under to give him his milk toast.

"Mari-chan? Are you okay?

"Huh?"

"You've got a weird look on your face." I missed a step and stumbled. ' _What did my face look like when I was thinking of Oikawa?_ ' Was I irritated? Confused?

"No, everything is fine. Lunch isn't sitting well with me." I grit my teeth hoping she would ask no more questions.

"I told you not to eat something so large. Honestly." She rolled her eyes doing a great impression of me and I was out of the danger zone.

Hinata was already inside when we entered the kitchen.

"You're home early." I noted as he threw together lunch for himself.

"Teaching the pipe, among other things, is not going so well. Coach got mad and now everyone is running until he tells them to stop." He made a face and then brought his meal to the table where we joined him.

"Hey, Sato-chan." He elbowed Aoi's shoulder and began to eat.

"Hey big brother." She pushed his arm mischievously and he missed his mouth.

"Why isn't it going well?" I was too curious about the training camp to care that I wasn't letting Aoi and Hinata catch up.

Hinata gave me a disbelieving look.

"You know I'm not a good teacher. And I learned those things from you and Haru. You always had much more knowledge about volleyball than I did and Haru is just brilliant at dissecting the game. I go on instinct and I learned new things because you guys tailored everything to my way of learning. I don't know how to do that with these guys."

Aoi and I blinked at the food falling out of his mouth as he spoke. It was hard to receive such a nice complement with rice spraying everywhere.

"Big bro, you're a mess." Aoi shook her head as if she was witnessing something too sad to watch.

"Thank you." He replied, smiling and showing the mouthful he currently had.

"Why don't I give you my notes?" I asked. This time the food didn't get to his mouth before it fell open.

"You have notes?" His food forgotten he turned toward me.

"Of course. I write everything down. Aoi-chan and I can go look for it." I stood up but she didn't move.

"No way. I'm not looking through all those notebooks you have, it'll take _hours_." Her penchant for dramatics was something to behold as she fell to the side to lay on the floor.

"It would go faster with two people." I tried, knowing it was fruitless to to and convince her. She just shut her eyes against my stare.

"I'm sure I'll just get in your way. I'll just stay down here. Good luck!" She called after me as I trudged up the stairs.

She had been exaggerating the number of notebooks but as I looked upon the boxes containing them I found then to be more numerous then I remembered. ' _If I pin down the year I could save time_ '. I shuffled boxes around, looking for the dates printed on the sides and nearly screamed at myself. None of the boxes were in order.

I hefted the one I held into a new spot and looked for the next box with the closest date. One by one I brought the boxes together in the proper order, or near enough, while fighting the urge to just grab the notebooks I needed and leave. I'd just come across the same problem again if I put it off.

I ended up bringing down almost enough books to fit in a new box. The table was empty and I dropped them down with a large thump.

"It's a good thing we didn't leave the tea there." I hear Aoi say from behind me.

They looked like they had just come from outside.

"What took you so long? We got so bored big bro tried to teach me volleyball. It was awful."

"I told you I'm a bad teacher." He pouted and pushed Aoi slightly less gentle than usual.

"Hey! Aren't you the older? Quit acting like a child." She turned and stuck her tongue out at him. Before they could get a real argument going I interrupted.

"These have everything you need in them. All the plays we worked on and even some we never did." I tapped the top proudly though I also felt self-conscious that I was prideful in note taking.

"This is amazing. I had no idea you put in this much effort." His demeanor changed completely. In that moment we were both reminiscing.

"Well, it paid off. And it will again. You won't need to be a good teacher if you've got these."

I flipped to the first one and looked at the hurried writing inside. It felt like I was looking in on someone's life; like I hadn't been the one who wrote it.

"I actually had a different plan in mind." Closing the book I turned to see a smile on his face. "You know the guys have been asking about you?"

That was surprising. Before I could respond Aoi-chan screamed and grabbed me, yelling unintelligible phrases about how lucky I was. I put a hand over her mouth.

"What do you mean? Why would they ask about me?" Aoi pushed my hand away and was all but hopping with excitement.

"You made quite an impression on Friday." He looked away and avoided my gaze. "And also I told them that you would be able to teach them better than me."

"Why would you say that?"

I was flattered and excited and wanted badly to do something involving volleyball again but the memory of the previous Friday loomed over me. It had been too much too quickly and I didn't know where the limit was. I was unsure just how much activity would cause me anxiety.

"I said it because it's true. You thought through everything so thoroughly that any Haru and I had were answered."

I shifted my weight, uncomfortable after receiving another complement. He waited a moment before he gave me one last bit of information.

"Coach Irihata asked if you would come down for the remaining three days to help out."

There was uncertainty in his voice and I knew I mirrored it perfectly. Would I be able to prevent another panic attack if I spent three days immersed in the sport? It was a difficult question to answer. I had never had many problems just watching the club team during practice. The issue seemed to be my investment in what was happening. The more interested or excited I was the more likely I would have a flashback or increased anxiety later on. It was possible that just observing and instructing here and there would be fine. It was also possible that it would definitely _not_ be fine.

My father's words rang in my head. He trusted me to take care of myself but I didn't know how.

"I'll go tomorrow. If I am still okay after then I'll go on Sunday. And then Monday. I'll take it a day at a time." It seemed like the best option. Exposure, a little bit of exposure at a time and I might stay in a healthy frame of mind.

"She'll be great! She **has** to be because how else will I get to bring her lunch during practice?" And just like that Aoi diffused the tension we had been feeling. I loved her greatly for it.

* * *

I stared at the simple building in front of us. I had never been inside but I would already know my way around. It was like that when you were in and out of gyms all the time. It just became intuitive. The ground rules I had laid out were scrolling through my brain:

•I could not be alone, even for one moment.

•I would not change at the gym. I would change at home before and after.

•If I played, I would not play more than 5 minutes total.

•And finally, I would help clean up after.

I had been cleaning up after volleyball players my whole life, more so once I entered high school. The simple, menial tasks would serve as a grounding wire for me after a day of testing the waters blindly.

Both Hajikun and Hinata were aware of these rules. One would be available if the other wasn't to be with me I'd I needed to leave the gym. They both agreed to help clean up after as well. It was humbling to know that there were people in my life willing to hinder themselves in order to help me. I hoped that I was doing enough for them in return.

The smell of a clean gym before anyone entered it during the day was one I hadn't been exposed to in a while. My shoes squeaked on the polished wood. That feeling was a comfort as well. Hinata and I looked over the notebooks to plan what could be covered in the hours we had today. He hadn't told the coach I agreed to be here, couldn't resist a good surprise, so we had no idea how much time we would have.

We made a list of skills and plays that were similar enough to be covered in one day but could also be clustered into smaller sets depending on time. I felt a little goofy holding onto a clipboard. Like I was a child playing dress up, pretending to be an adult. I'd never been in charge of anything before let alone teaching a group of people. The gym doors opened and the team, freshly delivered by bus, walked in behind Coach Irihata.

"Nakahara-chan!" Yahaba's exclamation paused their procession.

My eyes found only one person. Oikawa now looked to me with a myriad of expressions that all landed on that inexplicable face that showed nothing at all. My heart beat _hard_ once, painfully, before I was distracted.

"We've been waiting for you to show up." Kindaichi and the team had walked over to me. "Your brother sucks at teaching. None of us have been able to do the special back attack."

He shrunk back from Hinata's gaze before my brother finally sighed.

"He's right, even Oikawa has had trouble setting to me." This time, for the first time, I resisted the urge to look at him.

Taking a deep breath to make sure my voice was confident and bright but not overly so I tried to cheer them all up.

"Well, that's why I'm here, isn't it? I have here," my hand gestured to the large stack of notebooks, "all of my notes on everything my brothers and I worked on. Once I talk with Coach we can figure out how much we can cover and what groups will focus on what. Okay?"

They all seemed very impressed with my words and smiled at me in response. Hinata and I walked over to the coach who seemed pleasantly surprised.

"Good to see you Naka-chan." I raised my eyebrows in question of the odd nickname. "Your brother has been Nakahara for too long for me to give him the nickname. I'll be able to call one of you without confusing anyone."

"Ah. Well it works for me." I shrugged and then turned the clip board around so he could read it. "This is what we want to cover today."

He took it from me and went over each line nodding occasionally. He flicked it near the bottom and looked back up.

"They can get through a lot of this but I don't think they'll be able to do it all. I ran them a little hard yesterday." He didn't sound at all remorseful about that.

"Okay, I'll handle the wing spikers, coach will you do the middle blockers?" Hinata asked.

We had agreed on this assignment beforehand. It made the most sense but it also placed me in a place I definitely did not want to be.

"That way Himari can work with the setters. She and Haru worked together to perfect the toss so she's the best for it."

Coach nodded.

"I'll give it a couple of hours of practice in groups and then we'll apply it. We'll keep going down the list and see how much we get to. I don't have any pressing drills or plays to practice so today can be devoted to this."

We followed him to gather the players and explain the stations. This time as well I avoided eye contact with Oikawa but it only lasted a moment before we had to interact.

My lifelines, Hajikun, Hinata, even the coach all moved away and left me with the two setters. I looked at them both. Yahaba was smiling which was rare and Oikawa was just nothing. ' _Ouch_ '. My heart beat painfully again and I wondered if it was the beginning of a panic attack. There were no other signs though so I tried to ignore it.

"So, we're going to jump right in. First, I'd like to familiarize myself with your process. How you like to set, what you think about while you're playing, what types of hitters you prefer. Anything that affects your game I need to know." There was silence until Yahaba spoke.

"So, do you need to know if we have girlfriends?" I smiled, he sure was a forward guy when he was flirting.

"If you're thinking about her when you're playing then possibly. That might affect your toss." I knew then that I'd fallen into his trap

"Then, will you tell us if you have a boyfriend?" Oikawa at least looked like he started paying attention when Yahaba asked that.

The sudden question from Yahaba and response from Oikawa jumbled in my brain and it immediately showed me Oikawa's face after thinking of the word 'boyfriend'. I turned around to hide my blush, trying to collect myself as soon as possible before turning around. ' _He can't see into your thoughts, he doesn't know that you thought that. You're still acquaintances. Act like it_.'

The blush was still there as I turned around but I couldn't take any more time.

"If you're asking because you think it may affect how I act around you then you don't have to worry about anything." Answering without answering was a specialty of mine. 'Don't worry about it' was always a good way to shut people down.

"Well, I don't have a girlfriend." Yahaba said, back to his calm and reserved demeanor. He looked at Oikawa but didn't question his senior.

"It's not really necessary to answer, it doesn't matter unless it affects the game." I tried to brush the topic aside. "Let's talk about how you set."

I directed the question toward Yahaba first and wrote notes on my clip board while Oikawa waited patiently. When his turn came his phrases were short and would have been unhelpful if I hadn't spent an inappropriate amount of time watching him practice. I moved on.

* * *

Naka was a very methodical teacher. She took the time to know each person she was instructing to better know how to succeed. Yahaba was already improving his toss from working with her. Maybe he should have put more effort into training his junior but Oikawa had always had tunnel vision when it came to volleyball. She spiked a regular toss to get used to it and then gave direction on how to toss when she was on the back line. They did a practice run, Naka ran down the center and Yahaba set it. Instead of hitting it when she jumped she grabbed it and smiled.

"That was nearly perfect! You're such a fast learner." She high fived him and gave him the ball to do it again.

"Make sure the ball has no spin though so I can give it the top spin when I hit it." He nodded and went back to position.

This time she hit it with perfect precision and the ball hit the ground on the other side of the net with fantastic speed. She squealed and Oikawa looked away from the ball, seeing her run excitedly toward Yahaba and hugged him.

"You're the first person I've taught aside from my brothers! Thank you for making me look good." She was laughing as she pulled away and for once Yahaba couldn't respond.

Unaware of her effect she turned to Oikawa.

"You ready to go?" He was smugly happy that the smile she gave when she spiked Yahaba's toss wasn't as great as it had been when she hit his.

"Yeah." He caught the ball from Yahaba and went into position.

"Do you want to do a few regular throws before we do the back attack?" She was in full teacher mode, confident and direct.

"Let's do some practice first." The desire to stretch their time together was aggressive. She nodded eagerly and took the ball from him.

"Run wherever you want." His offer was not to test his abilities but to please her, which both worried and excited him.

She was having an odd effect on him. After their surprisingly comfortable talk in her backyard they had been made to sit next to each other at dinner. Oikawa was again extremely aware of how attractive he found her and tried to focus on anything else but her mannerisms broke apart that feeble attempt and he reached out to touch her. When their eyes locked he felt himself become just slightly disconcerted.

Her gaze toward him had never been clouded with false exultation as others had been. He reminded himself that that was due to her having no desire to impress or romance him. She never put him on the pedestal that others had either. She merely regarded him as another person.

Oikawa supposed it was that simple fact that left him out of his normal area of control. He couldn't control someone who had a mind of their own. It has irritated him the night of the dinner because he felt his mind falter as it never had before. He had no idea how to react.

Presently he realized that it was much more enjoyable to forget about attempting to take the lead. His preference now settled on how to best facilitate Naka-chan's enjoyment.

As she tossed the ball to him he realized he had never, not once, put someone else's enjoyment over his own.


	9. Chapter 9

I told you I wrote a bunch of chapters. Now I'm just lightly editing and uploading like crazy. BUT I think I might be getting off track a little. So. Keep me straight?

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 9

You're Making Me Cry

She tossed the ball to him and ran far on the left side. He counted her steps, she was fast and eager. Tossing the ball to someone so willing felt good. Flying into the air she easily hit the ball and floated down. The pale pink of her bottom lip turned white where she was biting it and she looked to be holding back her satisfaction.

Oikawa grabbed another ball and tossed it to her. Her next run was right along the net, dangerously close to touching it, and she jumped at the center. When she hit her arm swung wide and across her chest to hit the ball directly into the ground just on the other side of the net. She laughed like she hadn't planned to do that until she jumped.

"One more?" She asked and he could only nod and watch her approach the ball bin.

His ego was stoked with every look she gave. It was no secret that he enjoyed the attention given to him. As she had pointed out he often times directed conversion toward a place where his companion uttered praise after praise. Whether the narcissism had always been a part of him or a new monster created by his prowess was unimportant. For now, he was finding this lack of verbal praise much more enticing.

Each time she hit a ball set by him the admiration she felt was clear although never addressed. It was exceedingly better to see that than to hear someone tell him how great he had _looked_ doing something. Naka was experiencing something about him first hand and enjoying it so much. The knowledge of that and the feeling of fulfillment he got from it was consuming.

She threw the ball to him high and she ran to the sideline behind him. He had to turn his body just slightly, watching her to gauge her jump, and tossed the ball. For some reason she faltered, misstepping, and jumped with her off foot. Barely making the spike she came down unbalanced and reflexively grabbed the back of Oikawa's shirt to steady herself.

He wanted to close his eyes and commit the feeling to memory. His whole body became warm and his heart pounded but it felt good. It wasn't new, there had been people before her that he had liked, and yet it somehow was. Never had his chest actually _ached_ for a person.

Oikawa Tooru had never pined for anyone but Naka was surprising and beautiful and endlessly interesting. In such a short time he found her complex but caring, thoughtful and yet impulsive, she was intelligent and quick to wit and laugh. And, most appealing of all, she saw right through him. She saw to his core and preferred _that_ to the representation of himself that everyone else saw. Naka appreciated him on a deeper level than anyone he had ever known aside from Iwa-chan. No one else had ever bothered trying to see past the surface.

He could no longer categorize it as mere attraction any longer. It was clear that her wholly unique way of interacting with him had affected him on a deeper level, reaching something within him that hadn't been touched before. It was shocking and truthfully, unnerving.

"Are you okay?" His own voice sounded cold and he felt terrible but he couldn't help it.

It was common to reject something unknown. The body did it naturally do foreign objects without ever needing a conscious command. The knee-jerk reaction Oikawa had was his mind implementing some sort of self preservation. After all, after learning a bit about her he knew she had never had a boyfriend and never confessed to anyone.

She also made it plain that his history with girls had been a disappointment to her. His very personality in general had been something she had been disgusted with. To feel what he felt for someone who was just shy of complete aversion to him was insane. Nothing about it could end well.

She was still holding his shirt when he turned around and her fingers slowly released as the fabric pulled. It tingled tortuously and Oikawa's mouth pressed in a thin line. ' _Act normal, man_.'

"Yeah I'm fine. Sorry, I don't know what happened." She looked embarrassed.

"Want to try the back attack now?" He tried to force some friendliness in his voice and was rewarded with a smile.

They both took a simultaneous breath and then laughed awkwardly before hurriedly resetting.

She made no more errors.. Her approach was practiced and smooth. When he had been asked what type of attacker he liked to set to he had been vague but she already knew the answer anyway.

He preferred to set to people that put their trust in him completely. Those players never showed hesitation or objections. Naka had barely even looked for the ball, searching instead for the spot on the floor she would be aiming for. She knew he would hit his mark just as she would and didn't second guess that for a minute.

She was smiling again, bright and ethereal. He could see she had been more pleased with his set over Yahaba but she didn't run to hug him. Instead, she approached him with purpose and stuck out her hand.

Amused, he reached out to shake and his muscles twitched, grasping tighter when a sudden shock coursed through him. Naka seemed to feel something too. She looked him directly in the eye when she spoke.

"I'm your biggest fan." The words were so low he was still processing them as she slipped her hand away and joined Coach Irihata.

Once again she surprised him with another sudden change in demeanor. He could still hear the acid in those same words the first time they spoke. He hoped that memory would quickly be replaced by this one, where she had said it in earnest. His smile, despite his reservations about his own feelings, was so exuberant when they all gathered to apply what they learned that he received many questioning glances. There was one person in particular that refused to look his way, making his smile all the wider.

* * *

I was grateful when Aoi-chan, true to her threat the previous day, waltzed into the gym like she belonged with bento in hand. We sat near the open side door and felt the breeze flutter through as we ate. She was going on about how lucky I was and that she really hoped I was going to attend the next two days but I wasn't listening, not completely.

I was thinking of Oikawa. The morning felt like it had gone by slowly as I was in it but now it felt like time had been cut short. That might have been because the only memories I was recalling we ones with Oikawa as the star. The look on his face when Yahaba asked if I had a boyfriend. The intensity and focus in his eyes when they turned to me during his set, causing me to misstep. My pulse was racing so fast that I had to use him for balance. The tingle in my fingers as his shirt slid out of my grip. The perfect synchronization we had during the final set. Electricity that always accompanied his touch when we shook hands. The way his eyes prompted me to spill what I had been thinking about all morning.

"Aoi?" I interrupted and she huffed but stopped taking. "Is it electric?"

"Is what electric, Mari?"

"When you touch someone you like. Is it electric?"

A soft smile grew on her face.

"Yeah. It's electric." She waited for me to say something. When I didn't she spoke again. "Do you like someone, Mari-chan?"

"Yeah. I do."

Her face didn't show the shock I was sure she was feeling. Instead, she kept a the small smile on her face and returned to eating in silence. This was the other side of the usually bubbly and loud Aoi; the soft, understanding, patient side. I loved them both because I needed them both and she knew when to change. Aoi knew more about my past than most but not many details. What she did know, however, was enough to realize that my liking someone was likely to be a rollercoaster of emotion. So she stayed by my side and provided steady companionship, acting like a lightening rod for my anxiety.

I had never liked anyone before. Never for a moment in middle school, I had been to preoccupied with my brothers and volleyball, and especially not after the trauma. There was an ocean of emotion brewing underneath the surface, threatening to overtake me but the warm company next to me kept me afloat. The time to feel those would be later, in the comfort of my own home with my family to talk to if necessary.

When we finished our food I couldn't help but wish we had more time. Time to seal everything up again so I could function without issue. Aoi's parting hug was firm and she gave me a squeeze before she released me.

"You can leave any time you know. You've done your part today." She made me promise to call her if I wanted to leave early and then she left.

I practiced slow, deep breaths, counting up to six as I breathed in and counting back down when I breathed out. It was a great calming technique I used when I attempted to meditate as part of my therapy. I needed to be in the moment. I would accept feelings as they came but I had the power to decide how I reacted.

Those were the basic guidelines of healing that my therapist gave me though most times they were difficult to follow. ' _If they were easy everyone would be happy as can be_.' Today I was in a more solid state of mind with Hinata, Hajikun, and Aoi providing iron beams of support to keep me upright. So, I kept breathing as the group gathered together and I closed my eyes as the coach spoke about what they would do next.

I hadn't realized the meeting was over until a shadow stood before me.

"Are you sleeping?" Hajikun asked.

I opened my eyes to glare at him.

"Of course not. I was... meditating." He reached out to pull me to my feet. "So, what are we doing now?"

There didn't seem to be any set groups as I looked around. People worked in pairs all around doing what looked to be the same thing.

"We're practicing topspin. Hitting and receiving." My stomach turned a little when I saw that Hajikun didn't have a partner.

He caught on before I could say anything.

"Don't worry, I know your rule. You've played your 5 minutes with Oikawa and Yahaba. I have to be paired with Hinata but you'll be right next to us okay?"

My chest and throat felt tight as he spoke. Not out of anxiety, but of such deep appreciation and love for him. He acted like taking care of my mental health was a simple thing instead of being the burden it was. I nodded and followed him a ways to where Hinata was and sat against the wall nearest them to watch.

I realized without even looking that I was also in close proximity to Oikawa. ' _Is it weird that I know the sound of his hits?_ ' I turned to watch Matsu receive a ball with fairly heavy topspin. It flew to the side instead of bouncing up and Oikawa called out some encouragement as he retrieved it. ' _Yeah. It's weird_.'

Now that he had my attention it was hard to shift it elsewhere. He had Matsu try a few times and then showed him the position of his arm and hand again. There was genuine care and affection in his voice when he spoke to his teammates, some of the only people to experience that side of him.

I realized it was stupid to tell him that he acted fake outside of volleyball. If people knew what he was truly like he would have ten times more admirers than he already did. I bit my lip when I realized where my thoughts had gone and tried to focus on anything but him for the remainder of the day.

* * *

"You've been pretty quiet." Hinata said as we headed home.

We were less encumbered than before, I left my notebooks with Coach Irihata, and walking leisurely after a day of hard work. I hadn't been able to sit long during the last hours before I was requested to walk around and help technique. It wasn't physically tiresome but I was drained from expending so much mental energy.

"I'm just tired." He nodded but I could tell that he wasn't satisfied with it. "We did a great job sticking to the rules. You and Hajikun must be exhausted after helping clean up as well."

It was true that my silence was largely due to fatigue but I also had so many questions and fears that I couldn't think about during practice. I was already beginning to get lost in the labyrinth.

"It wasn't too bad. Iwa-kun would have had to clean up anyway." The nudged my shoulder. "How are you feeling about it?"

"Honestly? Really great. Like maybe I should have done this a long time ago. I might be playing today if I took it a step a time."

He looked a little sad then. I reached up to pinch his arm and he yelled out, glaring down at me.

"Stop it." I commanded.

I was happy now so there was no point in wallowing over how long it took me to get there. He shook his head and gave me another nudge.

"Alright, alright. Stop looking at me like that." His hands were up in surrender.

"Good. I hope we're having a huge dinner tonight. I want to stuff myself and then pass out." I yawned as I spoke, emphasizing my statement.

"Do you think you'll be going to practice tomorrow?"

"Mmmm. Probably. I'm thinking about making paper koi for the players. To celebrate the holiday since they'll be stuck practicing all day. Maybe some matcha daifuku."

"They'll probably celebrate at home later though."

"That's true, but I think they see more of each other than they do their own families."

Hinata was silent for a moment as he thought over my comment. I was sure he was thinking of the hours he put in to volleyball when he was in school.

"You're right. Then I think it would be nice of you to do something for them."

Though he had said that I started to feel embarrassed at the idea. Sure, I had been in the gym almost every time they had but we hadn't really interacted before the previous Friday. Sometimes there were polite greetings or helping hands but no friendships grew from it.

Since starting high school I usually avoided things that made me feel self-conscious because feeling like you've made a social mistake is enough to make you sick. There had been times, however, over the past week where I interacted and spoke without fear of that. It felt nice to just _do_ rather than think of all the reasons not to.

"Alright. I will."

* * *

I growled at the lead in my stomach. It was cold and heavy and a reminder that anxiety would be a part of my life forever. ' _Idiot. You're an idiot. This isn't normal_.' I was holding the large container of daifuku and walking slowly behind Hinata. The warmth from the bottom mocked me. I hadn't gotten up that much earlier than normal to make them but the fact that I got up earlier at all showed the effort I put into it.

It was my own fault. I had every intention of making them the night before but after dinner I was swallowed by my thoughts. Insecurity had hit me very hard. I hadn't felt that since I was a child running after my dear brothers. My skill didn't, and would never match theirs but I found a way to make up for that and the insecurity faded. This time it was amplified tenfold. I had so many things to be insecure about. My looks, my clothes, my smile, my laugh, the way I spoke, the way I ate, the way I walked. All were targets of the evil, anxious part of me that doubted everything.

I held a breath as the doors opened and we walked inside. I knew the team was already there from the bus parked outside and felt ridiculous. All heads turned our way and Kindaichi called out.

"What's that Naka-chan?" Attention had been called to the bundle in my arms.

They all walked closer to inspect.

"They're, uh. I made matcha daifuku."

I thrust the container into Kindaichi's chest and backed away with the heat of embarrassment on my face. He opened the top and those who could see gasped.

Inside were green mochi with red bean in the center and on top I had painted simple, colorful koi. They all looked toward me with surprise.

"You made these for us?" Asked Hajikun.

I felt my blush deepen and tried hard to look up from my feet. Hinata's hand fell heavily on my shoulder.

"Mari said you guys see more of each other than your families. She wanted you all to celebrate together."

I breathed again and looked up nervously. All the boys had smiles on their faces and it was my turn to be surprised.

"This is amazing Naka-chan!" Yahaba called out and the rest of the team shouted similar statements.

I was laughing when they all started arguing about who got to eat one first.

"Hold it." The coach shouted from behind them. "Not one bite until we break for lunch."

His voice shook in everyone's bones and the container was closed in the blink of an eye.

I took it quickly and brought it to the bench on the sideline, setting it down with my bag. The feeling of acceptance did not fade as Coach went over the plan for today. He had apparently looked through my books and decided the best plays and drills for this particular team. I ignored the magnetic pull I felt until the coach announced that the setters would be working with some wing spikers teaching them ways to hone their setting skills in case they were needed during a match. My head turned to him then and our eyes met and my stomach tried to throw my breakfast away.

I felt it again. The biggest and worst feeling that had engulfed me the night before had come back for more of my sanity. Shame. I was ashamed of my feelings. To like a man after what happened to me seemed like a betrayal of what I went through. And that particular vein of shame got worse as my mind had to ask if on some level I enjoyed it. I tried to tell myself that that was crazy to ask myself. Of course I hadn't, I remembered wanting to die. But the nagging feeling stayed with me because why else would I like a boy?

Then, those memories gave way to a different shame. I had been soiled. Every part of me was dirty now, no inch of skin was safe. Everything I wore, everything I owned, was dirty for coming into contact with me. How dare I let people touch me at all? Why did I let people hug me? That shame was one I couldn't reason away. I might have hated what happened to me but it had happened and my body was a tarnished vessel. No one wanted something damaged. Oikawa was still bright and happy and my past and my own body would only infect that.

I looked away and blinked a few times to stay the tears that had been forming. I couldn't look at him. Not today, not ever again.

* * *

"These are delicious Naka-chan!" Watari cried after his first bite.

"Chew with your mouth closed. It's embarrassing." Kyotani took a bite as well and ignored a glare from Watari.

"Thank you all. I'm glad you enjoy them."

"Naka-chan!" Kindaichi ran up to me with a semi-excited look on his face. "I just heard coach saying he might give us tomorrow off to prepare for the practice match on Tuesday."

"That's great!" I said over the exclamations of his teammates.

"Yeah, but that means we won't be able to do some of the things in your books. What if we still have questions?"

I thought for a second. I imagined I'd give the notebooks over to Coach Irihata when the training camp was over, though he still had questions about my explanations. As a young kid I didn't really have the largest vocabulary and my word choice and sentence structure were sometimes odd.

"If there's something you don't get and the coach can't help you then you can ask me." I reached into my bag for pen and paper and wrote my cell phone number down.

"That's my number."

"Whoa! I need that too." Yahaba trotted over after most likely eavesdropping.

Kindaichi clutched the paper to his chest.

"You do?" I asked.

"Yeah, what if I have questions about the types of sets you've had us doing?"

I sighed.

"You all can have my number if you want it. But I'm not writing it down again so if Kindaichi loses it then you're out of luck."

I stowed the pen and paper to show I was serious. Yahaba quickly tried to snatch it from the middle blocker almost at once. My arms were crossed over my chest disapprovingly and I silently hoped that my phone would receive no messages. The team seemed reserved and intense on the outside but their energy and boisterousness was a little overwhelming sometimes. I could only imagine what they would be like outside of practice without their coach to reign them in.

My neck prickled and I ignored it out of sheer willpower. I knew who it was. My whole being was trying to turn me toward the source but that just made me more adamant. ' _I'm not subjecting anyone else to this mess. Much less someone like him_.'

I knew if I let myself get closer I would end up telling him everything. The look people gave me when they knew was shattering. Every time it felt like a new wound. I had the feeling that a look like that from him would break me in two.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N:

Warning: LONG and a LOT of dialogue. I'm not sure I'm so good at dialogue. I excel in ridiculous amounts of descriptions (hence the information dumps) and I can do dialogue in short bursts but actual conversation is difficult. Much like it is for me in real life! HAH!

LilweenGalatrass your name sounds elven and you are just as magical! Thank you for your support AND you prompted me to move _something_ from a later chapter to this one. That's why it's so dang long. I'll have to write something completely new for that chapter, but I sort of love doing that. It makes my writing so much better. And selfishly, I'm so glad you read my story instead of sleeping. I love it and I love you!

Curlystruggle and Sky65, oh heck, thank you guys. I'm blushing over here :D

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 10

I've Got to Get Out of Here

I was going on a run for the first time in years. It would be pathetic and I wouldn't make it very far, but something in me needed to get up and outside. Hinata laced up his shoes next to me. Encroaching on his morning run made me feel slightly guilty. I would slow him down and he wouldn't be able to run as long as he wanted to but he insisted on staying next to me. Besides that, it was his last day here. In the evening he would be taking the train back to university and we wouldn't see each other for a long time.

"Ready to go?" I nodded and we headed out the door. "Which way do you like to go?"  
Laughing a little I answered honestly.

"I haven't run around here at all. Let's just take the route you've been doing this week."

We turned and headed out at a steady pace. The weather was comfortably warm with a small breeze. It blew through the trees and sent a few cherry blossom petals through the air. I realized I hadn't appreciated them nearly enough and the season was about to end. Next year I would read books underneath their shade.

I impressed myself. I made it two miles before I had to stop and rest. Luckily, Hinata had run the route before and directed us to a neighborhood. We found a bench on a quiet street shaded by trees and took our break. Houses surrounded us and occasionally we would see residents enjoying the weather. It was similar to my own neighborhood with varying age groups. The more I looked the more familiar it seemed. ' _Oh no_.'

"Hey, I'm ready to go."

I wasn't but the reason for my familiarity dawned on me. We were in Hajikun's neighborhood. We usually entered from a different direction when we came from our support group and I hadn't recognized the area until that moment. And if we were in Hajikun's neighborhood we were in Oikawa's as well.

"You don't sound like you're ready."

I stood, getting impatient. Every second there increased our odds of running into him and with the luck I'd been having, which is to say none, I would most definitely run into him.

"I'm good, let's go." I pleaded. He wasn't buying it and remained seated.

"Listen, I'm not gonna have you overwork yourself and pass out on the way back on my last day here. Any other day little sis." He leaned back on his hands and closed his eyes.

My own darted around looking for signs of anyone I knew.

"Naka-chan?" I spun around. ' _Dammit! Why don't people have eyes in the back of their heads?_ '

Oikawa and Hajikun stopped a few feet away panting heavily. Sweat glistened on their skin and Oikawa's usually perfect hair was messy and windblown and stuck to his skin in a couple places. As he stood there I noticed his weight shift completely onto his left leg.

"What are you guys doing here?" Hajikun asked. He wiped some sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his shirt.

"It's Hinata's last day so I joined him for a run. He normally goes farther but I had to take a break." I felt self-conscious about my own sweat. It was cooling in the light breeze and felt sticky. My skin was undoubtedly flushed and puffy from the run and I couldn't even think about my hair. Not everyone could look good while running like the boys in front of me did.

"Oh, we were about to finish ours. We take a loop and end at a bakery up the street."

"A bakery?" Hinata spoke up from behind me.

"Yeah. We get breakfast and coffee and walk back."

"That sounds amazing right now. Mari woke me up earlier than usual. I fully woke up halfway here." The tone of his voice had my lips tugging up at the corners. He was sure whiny in the mornings.

"You want to join us?" The invitation was thrown out before I could interrupt him and just as quickly my brother responded.

"Absolutely." He stood and stretched a bit to warm up his muscles again.

I wanted to throw a tantrum and latch on to the bench but I was distracted by the sudden realization that Oikawa has not spoken once since he uttered my name. I had already broken my rule of not looking at him so I did it once more. His lips were thin like he was pressing them together but he didn't seem to be irritated. I noticed his right calf shudder though there was no weight on that leg. His breathing was also uneven. I had a suspicion about what was going on.

The guys were ready to start running again.

"Hold on, I've got a leg cramp." I made a show of breathing heavy and reaching toward the affected area. "You guys go ahead and get your coffee, Oikawa will help me stretch it out."

I saw the surprise register on each of their faces but I wasn't having a discussion. I grabbed Oikawa's arm and led him to the grass just under the tree, trying to pretend to be in pain along the way. I turned and Hajikun and Hinata still stared back at me.

"Well? Go on. Who knows how long this will last and you guys are terrible in the morning. Please go get coffee. We will meet you there."

I tried to sound as pathetic as I could to get sympathy but also commanding enough for them to obey. They looked at each other and mumbled goodbye to us, heading off in the direction of the bakery. When they were out of sight I turned to Oikawa.

"Sit down."

"What?"

"I said sit down." I was attempting to sound soothing but was failing miserably. Whatever caring or oddly worried part of me was in control was not used to it. With no idea of how to deal with my feelings and no inclination to tell him I was worried, I pulled him as I sat myself and he came down with me.

"I thought you had a cramp?" His confusion was so earnest. His brown eyes were wide and made my chest pull in strange ways.

"I made that up." I said simply.

His eyes, if possible, got wider.

"Why?"

"Because you are in pain." My eyes fell down to his knee and then back up to his face. He looked like I had discovered his deepest secret.

"How did you know?" His voice matched his face and I wondered why he felt so bad.

"I spend an inappropriate amount of time watching you."

The words came out before I could stop them but I didn't seem to care. The smile that came across his face was a great distraction.

"Exceptionally perceptive." He said.

"You should take off the brace and put your leg on the bench. It's probably swollen." He didn't make a move. "I'm serious, you need to give it a rest right now!

The smile turned mischievous.

"Are you going to do it if I don't?"

My breath caught in my throat. ' _So this is Oikawa when he flirts_.' His tone was taunting and his voice was deeper than usual and for a moment I let myself melt into the sound. The smile reached his eyes and I could see amusement in them. He issued a challenge he thought he would win.

"I'll give you five seconds." I said.

My pulse was rising. When he challenged me I wanted to shatter his expectations. The look in his eyes told me that he was going to try to call my bluff. He was smug.

On the last second I crawled over to his extended right leg and reached up to grab the top of the brace. It was hot and sweaty but it didn't bother me. The spark that went through me was intense and my face felt warm but I began to pull the brace down his leg. It was slow going due to my attempts at hiding my shaking hands.

The final inches came and I looked up at Oikawa. His mouth was hanging open and he looked like his arms were having trouble supporting him. With one hand I lifted his heel and slipped the knee support off with the other. Then I placed his foot on the bench beside me and threw the brace at him. It slid comically from his face to the ground and I laughed out loud.

I crawled back to my spot next to him.

"You're making it difficult for me to live with myself." He was mumbling but I could recognize the words as the same ones I had spoken a week ago.

Anxiety flowed cold through me and a hand twisted my organs. What could he have possibly meant by that? Had it been obvious that I liked him? Did he feel bad about not liking me back? Was he about to reject me before even hearing a confession?

"What do you mean?"

The sick curiosity came from the part of my brain that loved obsessing over my faults. I both did and did not want to hear something bad. Some of me wanted to stay in the dark of depression forever and the rest of me wanted to live life as normally as I could. The two were always at odds and now I could feel them fighting for control.

"Can I eat lunch with you tomorrow?" I wondered if I looked as taken aback as I felt.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

I had no answer. Lunch with Oikawa was going way past my rule of not even looking at him but my masochistic side seemed to be in control.

"Okay."

After I agreed he smiled and laid back into the grass. I stared for a moment and then joined him. My hands cradled my head and my arm touched Oikawa's. Neither of us moved away and I began to feel constriction in my chest. I tried to focus on the leaves above me instead of the warm tingling in the skin that touched his. A cool breeze caressed my skin and shook loose flower petals from the trees. They fell around us like snowflakes. It was a beautiful moment that I almost missed by my fear of running into Oikawa. I turned my head to look at him.

His eyes were closed and there was an upturn to his lips. His damp hair was drying and the salt from the sweat stuck strands together here and there. I really did enjoy looking at him. When I was with him the anxiety shrunk away bit by bit. It felt so much better to just be around him then to try and avoid it.

Logically, I knew that my aversion to him was based on my own issues and not on his opinions of me. I saw myself as dirty and unworthy but of course he didn't feel that way. He would have no reason to. I also had no reason to think that he would see me that way if he ever learned of my past. I knew those fears were irrational because everyone reacts differently to hearing about trauma but my brain refused to recognize anything but the worst possible outcome.

' _You're already contaminating him_.'

I knew I wouldn't escape those thoughts for long. My arm shifted in response to my own words and Oikawa's eyes opened immediately.

"Is your knee feeling better?" I asked and sat up to avoid eye contact.

* * *

She sat up and he could see flower petals clinging to her hair. He wanted to reach out and brush them out with his fingers but he refrained. She was pulling away and he didn't want to make he feel uncomfortable. The satisfaction of the few minutes on the grass sated him somewhat and the ache in his chest ebbed. It was enough for the time being. Enough to last until tomorrow at lunchtime. He remembered she asked him a question.

"Yeah. That was just what I needed."

Naka wouldn't know that he wasn't just talking about taking a rest. The image of her taking off his knee brace still hit him like a punch in the gut. She had been so bold and then so soft when she laid down next to him. He made sure to close his eyes to better focus on the feeling of her skin against his and the smell in the air. This memory, he made sure, would be with him forever.

"We should meet up with Hinata and Hajikun but I'm not letting you do more than a brisk walk." Her face was still turned away from his when he moved to put his brace back on.

He wanted to look at her.

"I've been trying not to ask but the intrigue is killing me." His cryptic words surprised her and she looked at him just as he hoped. "How do you and Iwa-chan know each other? I asked him and he said it was your decision to tell me or not."

He thought she would blush and look away like she did when she was embarrassed by something but she didn't. The way she looked made lungs stop working. Her eyes widened in fear and morphed into unbridled despair and she blindly reached for the bench to sit down. Unsure of what to do his hands reached out and paused in midair, hovering a short distance away from her. They fell to his side and he sat down next to her. She was breathing heavily but suddenly she clenched her shaking hands together and took deep, measured breaths.

When her breathing regulated she glanced at him.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." Oikawa was still in shock about her reaction and how useless he felt. He shook his head rapidly.

"No, no. I'm sure that was my fault." Again his hands moved but he had no idea what he wanted to do with them. "I'm sorry."

She was silent for a while, breathing deeply and looking straight in front of her but not really seeing.

"Did Hajikun really say that you should ask me?" Her voice sounded carefully calm and it sent up red flags for Oikawa.

He hadn't thought much of Iwa-chans grave tone when they spoke; 'It's not my story to tell. If you really want to know you'll have to see if Mari will tell you. It's a sensitive topic though. Most likely she won't'. It just seemed like his usual warnings against Oikawa being too arrogant or flirtatious. He never would have imagined the question would have had the reaction he saw.

"He said you probably wouldn't tell me if I asked." He had the grace to look regretful. "He also made it seem like I shouldn't."

She suddenly sighed.

"I bet he did." She smiled but it looked so sad. Her shoulders were slumped and her face was pale but she wasn't shaking anymore.

"Listen, I'm sorry. If it's a topic that's off-limits then I won't bring it up again but I," he stopped.

Was he about to say that he liked her? That wouldn't do, at this moment or even at all. He hadn't forgotten her opinions of him or the way she ignored him the last day of training camp a few days prior.

But what could he say? He wanted to be closer to her than he was. As close as Iwa-chan was.

"I just want to know more about you."

Finally, she turned to him without an inexplicable expression. Her eyes were so beautiful and bright and full of emotion. It was the most vulnerable he had ever seen her.

"Let's start with my favorite color then." A relieved smile grew on his face. "It's blue."

* * *

We talked we headed to the bakery. I wouldn't let him go any faster because of his knee. He only whined for the first five minutes before I distracted him with information about myself. It felt good to create a new friendship, especially with him because at least then I could spend platonic time with him.

If we were friends then maybe my traitorous brain would stop making me feel bad for liking him. Navigating the relationship in that direction put me in his friend zone as well which was undoubtedly the only way he would have ever chosen to be close with me. I might have still had feelings for him but friendship was an area my brain and body were comfortable with.

I could feel the anxiety of being around him start to fade away. The knowledge that he wanted to be friends helped my critical thoughts ebb. If there was no shot at romance then I had no reason to be so self-conscious and I could forget about the shame I had been feeling.

So I let myself blissfully escape into the safe haven of friendship, the happiness from which would help push down the desire for something more. I stopped thinking so I could focus more on what Oikawa was saying

"I wore a shirt with an alien on it and now Iwa-chan keeps telling people that I think I've been abducted.*

I attempted to hide a laugh behind my hand but failed.

"Ah not you too! I wore it one time! A guy can only take so much."

"You worried about what your fans will think?"

"I'm worried they'll start giving me alien themed stuff now."

We both laughed and he opened the door to the bakery. Hajikun and Hinata were sitting at a small table near the front windows. I saw that there were two untouched drinks and two slices milk toast waiting at the open seats.

"The tea is cold by now. What took you guys do long?" Hinata eyed the leg that had the supposed cramp.

"I got too wrapped up in Oikawa-kun's story about how he was abducted."

I was biting the inside of my mouth to keep a straight face but when Hajikun burst out laughing I didn't contain myself.

"Ahhhh you guys are so mean! See if I ever tell **you** anything again." He pushed my shoulder with his finger and it felt good not to fear his touch.

There was red on his cheeks that he tried to hide by taking a deep gulp of tea. I looked over at Hinata who, though completely out of the loop, looked at our group with a smile.

"I'm glad you guys are here to take care of Mari. It makes leaving today much easier."

His words sobered the mood slightly. Hajikun took our friendship very seriously, feeling responsible for me just as he had with his sister. Hinata's words drew a curt nod from him.

Oikawa looked... Concerned. He didn't know exactly what Hinata was referring to but he would have been a fool not to have an idea about the seriousness of it. Especially after my reaction to his earlier question. He to nodded and I felt warmth bubble to the surface. The attraction kept at bay swelled in me now at the idea of Oikawa taking on such a burden without knowing what he was agreeing to. I buried it again.

"I'm going to get another slice." I said suddenly and shoved the rest of the sweet toast into my mouth.

My exit was quick and sloppy but I didn't care, I needed to put everything back in order in my brain. I had to remember that Oikawa was in the box labeled 'friend' now, he couldn't keep spilling into other areas. I felt someone stand too close to be a stranger and relieved to see it was Hajikun.

"So." His tone hinted at something but I didn't know what so I stayed silent. "Trashykawa isn't being as trashy today."

"Oh?" I couldn't say more. I was too interested in the topic to disrupt the flow of Hajikun's thoughts.

"In fact he looked like a regular knight in shining armor when Hinata was talking."

We were both staring straight ahead but he would have had to be blind not to see the redness of my face. I couldn't speak. He was muddying up my brain again. The boxes were rocking dangerously and my heart swelled traitorously at the idea of Oikawa wanting to protect me.

At the counter I ordered the second piece of milk toast that I didn't want and asked for strawberries on top out of habit. I glanced over at our table to see Oikawa taking animatedly with Hinata. Neither noticed Hajikun blocking my path.

"He asked you, didn't he?"

I couldn't avoid his stare any longer. I felt the heat that was in my face drain rapidly. For some reason I didn't want Hajikun to know the conversation Oikawa and I had. His eyes bored into me.

"He asked me how we knew each other." I sighed in defeat. His eyebrows scrunched down in anger.

"Idiot. I told him to ask you but I never thought he would. But it's no wonder..." He trailed off talking more to himself than to me. "What did you tell him?"

That surprised me and it was clear in my voice.

"Tell him? Nothing! I nearly had a full blown panic attack at the thought of him knowing."

I pressed my lips together. I had said entirely too much. Hajikun had the sense to look apologetic.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't think he would ask but the dumbass can be unpredictable."

I believed him, if course. Hajikun had been nothing but protective of my privacy which was the reason we never spoke or interacted overmuch in public. People would begin to ask questions just like Oikawa and it would always be easier to avoid the situation altogether than to keep up a lie.

"No need to apologise. I think he felt very bad after seeing me hyperventilate."

I was laughing to try and lighten the mood and to hopefully switch topics. The longer I talked about him the harder it would be to keep my feelings in check. Hajikun said nothing but I could see the wheels spinning in his head. What he was thinking of I could only guess but I used it as an opportunity to return to the table.

I was quiet as I sat down, content to listen to the other two talk. The conversion didn't sink in though as I stared at the bright red strawberries on my plate. It was already beginning to cause problems, the crush on Oikawa. Talking about him was tantamount to psychological torture. I would simultaneously feel euphoria, desperation, and attraction before the feelings of self loathing kicked in.

Interactions with Oikawa himself were fantastic in the moment but had major repercussions afterward as I found out during the training camp. I had been smart to try and distance myself from the emotions I was feeling but when it came to him my will seemed to bend too easily. I went from breaking my vow to not do so much as look at him, to having a friendly stroll to the bakery in less than thirty minutes. When I was around him I was absolutely hopeless and it would only get worse the more time I spent around him.

"-an? Naka-chaaaaaan!" My head whipped toward the call.

Oikawa was waving his arms in front of my face. His voice had reverted to the childish whine he used when he was irritated. I looked around and saw that we were the only two at the table. ' _Oh GREAT_.'

"You're kind of spacey aren't you?"

I frowned watching him rest good head casually on his hand, elbow on the table beside him.

"Where are Hinata and Hajikun?" He smiled.

"You didn't notice? I told them that your leg cramp was still bothering you but you were putting on a brave face."

I gaped at him stupidly but everything in my brain had been wiped away like a chalkboard.

"Wow! And I've been calling you observant!" He laughed loudly and leaned back in his chair.

The casual running shirt rested on his chest and abdomen still slightly damp from the run. I could almost see the definition of his muscles. My hand twitched and I was appalled at the thought that passed through my brain.

' _I wanted to_ _ **touch**_ _him?_ '

"Why-why would you do that?" I was speaking to myself as much as I was him.

My voice sounded too quiet. ' _Why am I out of breath?_ ' I could feel the boxes topple around, spilling their contents once again. He closed his eyes and smiled before he answered.

"To spend more time with you."

His eyes opened and he tilted his head just slightly. Just enough to make my heart feel like bursting. A small, wickedly amused part of me brain wondered how high my blood pressure was at that precise moment.

"Why?"

My voice was louder, too loud and too obviously confused. It sounded like I was wondering why the great Oikawa would want to spend time with me. ' _But isn't that the case?_ ' I could have punched myself.

"Why not?" His tone now was so infuriatingly casual.

I gritted my teeth together. ' _Snap out of it. You're acting like a typical, infatuated fan of his. It's just Oikawa. He's just a guy from school who wants to have breakfast with me_.' The boxes separated.

"Okay." I shrugged.

If he was surprised at my change in demeanor he didn't show it. He merely took a slow, languid sip of tea.

"Let's talk about your knee." I said.

He froze and I cheered inwardly.

"If you push it you're going to ruin your career."

My fingers tore a small piece of toast and popped it into my smug mouth. This battle for control was one of the reasons I enjoyed our conversations. We were both well versed in watching people and figuring out how to interact with them.

His empty cup slid across the table softly and hit my hand.

"Are you a doctor?" The was a playful energy about him as he spoke though his face remained impassive.

"I don't need to be one to see that you're overworking yourself."

Another piece of toast made it to my mouth. I wasn't hungry but there seemed to be power in being the only one at the table eating.

"Just how often do you watch me?" His eyebrows raise up as he taunted.

"Do you want the running total or just an estimate?" Neither of us could hold back our laughter at that.

It was always this way when we spoke. Pushing any buttons we could to get a reaction. It was only around him that my mind would sometimes be still enough to let a personality long forgotten shine through. My mind was a tumultuous river constantly coursing and his presence was a sudden calming of the current. But only sometimes.

The words I said repeated over and over in my brain in the ensuing silence. No, it wasn't new information that I had spent some time watching him. I flat out told him I had when I went on my tirade not too long ago but talking about it so casually was embarrassing even though I was enjoying the banter. I knew later on that I would be obsessing over this conversation as the boxes tangled together in the comfort of my own home.

"So, why are you pushing yourself so far anyway? You're probably the best all around player in the area. Why risk that?"

The genuine curiosity I had was apparent as I leaned forward to hear his reply. He scrunched up his nose.

"It's embarrassing to admit but I have a genius monster at my back and he's going to surpass me no matter what I do."

He looked out the window behind me like he was watching the person he spoke of.

"But there are some things I can do that he won't ever be able to. I have to keep going or I'll be left behind."

I was surprised by his candor. The honesty of his words hit me hard and the ease in which he admitted his deficiencies saddened me.

"The setter from Karasuno?" His eyes flickered back to me for a moment. He nodded.

"Well killing yourself in the process won't help."

"Ah, now you sound like Iwa-chan!" I was relieved to see him stick out his tongue at me.

"Good. Hajikun at least has the sense to keep you in check."

"Nobody keeps me in check, I'm the captain." He whined

"Sure, sure." I popped a strawberry into my mouth. "Anyway, you don't have anything to worry about just yet. He's not going to surpass you in one month."

"A month?"

"The Inter High prelims."

I said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Oikawa sat up straighter with a smirk on his face.

"I can't wait. If they face us I'll make sure to show Tobio-chan my full abilities."

The look in his eyes made me shiver. To be on the receiving end of Oikawa's competitive spirit would be incredibly intimidating. I could see the drive written plainly on his face; hard and eager and aggressive. It was an aspiration that could make someone take foolish risks in hopes of bigger payoffs. I shook my head.

"I'll have to tell Hajikun to keep a special eye on you so you don't overdo it."

"Oh come on!" He was beginning to whine when his tone changed. "Wait, are you worried about me?"

It was an obvious attempt at trying to get a rise out of me but even with that knowledge I still blushed. He was right on the money.

"Not about **you**. I'm worried that you'll hurt yourself again and Seijou will be beaten out of the Inter Highs." I was only slightly worried about that.

Most of my investment in the team was due to my affection for Hajikun and my enjoyment of watching Oikawa. The bulk of my worry stemmed from the incredibly uncomfortable image of Oikawa's face when he was trying to hide his pain. ' _This is what it means to like someone,_ ' I conceded. To care so vehemently about the welfare of another who I had spoken to the first time one month prior was embarrassing to say the least. I was happy that the man sitting across from me couldn't read my thoughts.

He was frowning.

"I won't let them down."

There was silence once again but it wasn't awkward. A small sense of companionship enveloped me. It was the feeling of making a new friend. We looked at each other for a moment and I could feel the urge coming on again; the urge to touch him. His hair, his arm, his shoulder. ' _his chest_ '. I pinched my leg, appalled at my thoughts. ' _I need to stop looking at him_.'

"Do you want some?" I gestured to the bread, desperate to break eye contact. "I think I shouldn't have ordered a second slice."

He chuckled.

"I would never say no to milk bread."

His hand reached out to take the small plate I held. I found my hand was shaking as I held it out and I focused on trying not to make contact with his skin. As soon as he took the plate the unused napkin on the side tumbled to the floor and I quickly reached for it. But Oikawa did too.

Our fingers interlocked slightly as we gripped the napkin. We were so close I could see the definition of the muscles in his arm. Worse, I could feel the tickle of his hair brushing against my cheek. In a moment of mindless insanity I turned to my left and saw his face inches away from mine. The warm brown of his eyes seemed to swallow me whole and I was lost in them. If I leaned just a bit our noses would have touched. If I leaned farther... My thoughts consumed me and all at once I thought I saw Oikawa shift slightly toward me.

Frantically, I stood, my chair toppled over behind me from the force with which I moved.

"Excuse me. I'm sorry. I have to go!" My voice was wild and the entire bakery was looking our way.

I move quickly toward the door, vaulting the overturned chair, and ran with every ounce of energy I could in the direction of home.

It was a long and tumultuous journey. I found it hard to focus on my surroundings or street signs. Any thought that tried to form was brutally crushed by Oikawa's face so close to mine. I had to repeat directions over and over in my head just to make the right turns and I failed as often as I succeeded but I never slowed.

By the time I reached my house my whole body shook with exhaustion and collapsed on the stoop breathing raggedly. I hoped vaguely that the awkward encounter would automatically negate the agreement of having lunch together the next day.

It did not.

* * *

The frustration he felt when she ran away wasn't directed at her but at himself for his careless, albeit almost instinctual, action. He had leaned toward her, drawn in by her eyes that seemed to be begging for a kiss. But he was projecting. It was how he had _wanted_ her to look, but it was obviously not true, as her quick exit confirmed.

Hadn't he found out that she was seemingly uninterested in romantic relationships? Hadn't he known that even if she _did_ want a relationship that it wouldn't be with him? With someone she saw as a manipulator, especially of women? And still he barely stopped himself from leaning the few inches to meet her lips with his.

But the moment their hands met on the fallen napkin he knew he would be unable to stay away from her. There was a large possibility that she didn't want to see him. She had, after all, ran from him. It made the decision on whether or not he would keep to their agreement to have lunch together difficult.

Though she had ran, she still showed considerable care for his well-being in regards to his knee. It ached as he paced his room. He glanced at his television, paused on an opponent he couldn't remember the name of. He had to make up his mind soon. Thinking of Naka-chan was becoming borderline obsessive and it began to get irritating. Girls had never interfered with volleyball and they couldn't begin to.

Nervously, he grabbed his phone and turned it over between his hands. He would have to make the call but it began to feel heavy. No doubt, the experience would be extremely unpleasant. He nearly put it down again but the glare of the tv spurred his fingers to move. He dialed the number.

"What do you want?"

"Iwa-chan! Is that any way to greet your best friend?"

There was a pause on the other end and he knew Iwaizumi was holding back a sigh. Oikawa grimaced and looked at the clock. It was past 11. He definitely should have called sooner, or not at all.

"Oikawa, it's late, just tell me what you want."

' _Should I just say it?'_ It was a terrifying thought, but if he drew it out it was more than likely to make things much worse.

"Oikawa!" Iwa yelled.

"Alright, alright!" He closed his eyes and scrunched his face, "I have feelings, deep feelings, for Naka-chan."

His whole body was rigid though Iwaizumi wasn't there to flog him. It seemed his body was reacting on memory. The silence on the other end did nothing to calm his muscles, or his blood pressure.

"Iwa-"

"No."

There was silence again. ' _No?_ ' The pause didn't last for long, Oikawa's curiosity was uncontrollable.

"Did you just say 'no'?" He asked.

"I did."

The curt tone didn't seem _too_ harsh but Oikawa's skin prickled in foreboding. It felt like the calm before the storm.

"No what?"

"No. You can't like Himari."

' _Oh._ ' The statement hit him hard. Of course he knew that Iwa-chan wouldn't be happy about his confession. What he had expected was much more violent, as Iwaizumi was wont to be, and nothing at all like the calm, threatening aura he felt even through the phone. This was all new territory for him, upsetting Iwa-chan without any sarcasm or humor behind it.

"But I do-"

"No!" Iwa yelled and Oikawa winced. "No. Mari isn't capable of surviving a relationship with you."

He forgot his decision to simply become friends with her at his friend's words.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

His gut was burning, indignant and injured and defensive. Of all the things Iwaizumi had said to him, none had ever been more serious or more brutal than that statement. It sounded as if Oikawa's presence would literally kill her.

"You know what it means. You manipulate people into getting what you want, I know she's seen it too. You're a flirt. You like the attention and you seek it out. Any girlfriends you've had have all played second string to volleyball. And you're extremely physical with them, I don't even think you let the last one breath with your mouth on hers all the time.

"You don't know her like I do. You would destroy her."

Oikawa's knee felt week, that's why he sat down. Not because there was no more air left in his lungs after the evisceration of his character. It didn't bother him that his closest friend thought that Naka-chan dating him would lead to her demise. He certainly wasn't replaying his previous relationships and wallowing in how that version of him wasn't good enough for her.

Besides, wasn't he just calling Iwaizumi to tell him that he wanted to be friends with her? After admitting his feelings he felt a little foolish because of course there was no way he should like a girl so much after knowing her for such a short time. In fact, he was starting to feel that he didn't like her so much anymore. Yes, that was it. He didn't like her at all.

"Iwa-chaaaaannn you're always so mean! You don't even think before you speak do you?" He whined in the familiar tone he always used.

"I was just kidding. **Wow** you got pretty mad there."

He didn't feel like it was a lie. He knew it _wasn't_ a lie because of how many times he was currently telling himself that he didn't like her.

"Oikawa, I didn't mean…" He could hear more softness in Iwaizumi's voice and swallowed a lump in his throat.

"Anyway, I was just calling because I thought it'd be interesting to have lunch with Naka-chan tomorrow! You guys spend so much time together I think I'd better get to know your _girlfriend_."

He closed his eyes and tried not to laugh at himself. He was overdoing it and Iwaizumi could obviously tell but hearing such terrible things about your character that you willfully ignored was difficult.

Iwa-chan was silent in the other line. Of course he hadn't meant to be so harsh, it was difficult to be between two people and being protective of both.

"Oikawa, I'm sorry. Himari is important to me. As important as Sakiko."

Oikawa's eyes shot open. Iwaizumi very rarely said his sister's name, it was always much too painful. He switched the phone to three other side as he tried to figure out what to say. The memory of how dark that first year after her death had been still cast shadows on them.

He wished they had been next to each other rather than on the phone. Just being in the same room as Iwa-chan would have helped both of them.

"I didn't know Iwa, I'm sorry. But I think you should know that I don't intend to pursue things with Naka-chan. I just want to be friends."

It was all he could say. The truth, in times like these, was one of the most important things.

"Just friends?" His friend's voice on the other end sounded considerably lighter.

"Yes, I mean it. Just friends." He smiled with relief. It was truly what he wanted.

"Alright. We'll have lunch in her classroom tomorrow, that's where she usually eats."

"Thanks Iwa-chan!"

They hung up and Oikawa walked over to the television and grabbed his headphones. ' _Wait, lunch in the classroom? I have to bring my own lunch!_ ' He looked at how much tape was left and looked at the clock. He was strangely drained from the intensity of the conversation and was very much anticipating his bed. But after reviewing the video he'd neglected he would still have to make his own lunch before going to bed. He sighed and sat down, preparing for a very long night.

* * *

A/N:

The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that hey trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes.  
-Pema Chodron


	11. Chapter 11

A/N:

OH. MY.

darkwryter and LilweenGalatrass I read each of your reviews at least five times before writing this author's note. I am so, so, so grateful to you both. I am flattered and excited and so pumped for the next few chapters!

Minki, I'm excited for you to get to this chapter my dude.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 11

Consequential Enough

I had been unfocused and jittery all morning while the ticking seconds hand on my wristwatch counted down to the lunch hour. ' _Is he going to show up?_ ' There were still more than 15 minutes before the class ended and I had not paid one minute of attention. The English lesson had almost concluded before my attention was drawn by the teacher calling on me to read aloud.

"Nakahara-chan, please read the closing passage for today." Sensei asked and I stood, bewildered.

Had I not been part of the tutoring group for English I would have been extremely unprepared. I supposed I was glad that it was the only subject I really excelled at.

"Yes. The first verse is: 'Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best. Try everything you can, and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away'."

I tried not to rush my words so the proper pronunciation could be heard. Our school was already behind in listening and speaking English and if the class had a difficult time understanding it would just mean more work for me on the three mornings a week I tutored. Our teacher motioned for me to sit back down before launching into the meaning of the words and instruction on our writing homework. I hoped Hajikun was paying attention so I could ask him what she had said later on because I was again watching the clock.

I looked at him then. Hajikun had always left class immediately to join Oikawa and the rest of the team in the cafeteria and I kept eyeing him to guess his intent. If Oikawa still intended on eating lunch with me surely Hajikun would have said something to me. Or perhaps Oikawa hadn't told him.

When the release for lunch was called and I shakily pulled my bento out of my bag and waited for Aoi-chan to come bounding in. My leg began to bounce uncontrollably as I saw that Hajikun was still in the classroom.

"Ma-ri-chan!"

Aoi bounded into the room swinging her lunch back and forth. She loudly pulled a desk closer to me and sat on the table top with her feet on the seat.

"Hey, doesn't broody over there usually eat in the cafe?" She hid her mouth with her hand as she whispered and pointed at Hajikun with her other.

I was about to respond when a large cluster of girls appeared outside the class door.

"Oikawa-kun are you eating in the lunchroom today?"

"Please let us sit with you!"

"I've packed an extra bento for you!"

"Walk me to the cafe Oikawa-kun?"

"Oikawa-san please accept these chocolates!"

My mouth was hanging open so far my tongue was dry. I had never been close enough to his fangirl club to hear all the commotion before and it was disorienting and shocking. Feelings of inadequacy washed over me as I took in their appearances. Many of them were skilled in highlighting their best features and the image of me standing next to them was intimidating. My fingers worried through my hair and then I turned my attention to Oikawa himself and felt so sad.

How must it feel to be valued by appearance and status over true identity? Had any of those girls approached him like a normal human being instead of a shiny trophy? I felt new appreciation for my life as a fly on the wall and new emotions toward Oikawa that made my eyes sting.

"Ladies, your requests are humbling. Of course if I had time I would fulfill them all! Today, I'm afraid I already have lunch plans. Another time, okay?"

His smile was heartbreakingly beautiful and expressed his sincerity to the crowd before him. A consolation prize for the girls he was rejecting. He gave a small wave and turned into the classroom. Our eyes locked immediately and my face exploded red. The memory of the previous day played through my mind.

"Iwa-chan! Let's trade bento's!" His hand fell onto Hajikun's shoulder and was roughly thrown off.

"Like hell, dumbass."

He got up from his desk on the opposite side of the room and joined Aoi-chan and myself, stiffly sitting next to me. Oikawa sauntered over and pushed the desk directly in front of me. The chair bumped into my table and he sat facing me and forcing me to share my desk space with him. Our lunches were inches apart and I feared opening mine and brushing hands with him.

I could see Aoi-chan giving me pointed glances that requested some sort of explanation and all I could do was silently shrug my shoulders. How could I know his reasoning for eating lunch with us?

If there had been a test on the conversation that occurred I would have failed. My eyes could barely take in the radiance in front of me. Oikawa smiled and laughed and poked fun at Hajikun. He talked with Aoi-chan often. He made eye contact with me so constantly that it wiped all memory of anything other than his face. I had to wonder if everyone felt this way when they liked someone. If they did, I had no idea how anyone ever got anything done.

But in the end I survived it and to my surprise Oikawa returned the next day. Then the next. And on and by the second week Aoi was calling him Oikawa-kun and phoning me every night to speculate as to why he was suddenly lunching with us. I had come to terms with his presence and my demeanor changed little by little. There were no more awkward moments between us when I had other people around to buffer my social deficiencies. He hand I hadn't been alone together either which made our continuous lunches all the more comfortable. Joking together, Aoi, Hajikun, Oikawa, and myself felt normal after a time. The possibility of shutting away my deeper feelings for him seemed within reach.

Until Thursday, May 30.

* * *

The school was always eerily quiet in the hour before classes started. Thursday was an unusual day for tutoring but the exams in July were looming and more students were signing up for morning sessions. It was a test of my anxiety every time I arrived early from the moment I stepped through the school gates until I arrived in the tutoring room. ' _It's normal for it to be quiet. It's normal. Nothing weird is going on_.'

I tried to keep my calm as I walked toward classroom five to drop my bag off before heading to tutor. The familiar routine began to ease my anxiety slightly and when I opened the door to education center I breathed a sigh of relief, seeing Matsukawa already there with the few other volunteers who worked with us.

"Mattsun." I greeted him first before saying good morning to the others.

He and I worked together most often because we had the highest scores in English but Matsukawa also helped in other areas as well.

"Hey, Naka." I smiled, hearing that he was using the volleyball club's nickname for me.

"How many people signed up today?"

"About fourteen, but you know other's tend to show up without signing up beforehand."

I sighed. It was true. People would start to become desperate for a little bit of help and with this subject in particular it was difficult to help such a large group. They all tended to be at varying levels, even those in the same grade, and everyone was below average on each of the four sections: speaking, reading, writing, and listening.

As soon as we gathered the lesson plans for each grade the doors opened and students began to file in. I felt myself become tired at the mere image of so many people but I committed to helping them, so I would.

* * *

My arms extended above my head and I stretched deeply, bringing my hands back down to rub my temples. There had been four more students who showed up unexpectedly and many were farther behind than I would have thought. It made sense, any assignments taken home would be shirked until the last minute and then filled in using the help of the internet.

"That was intense." I heard the sleepiness in my voice.

Mattsun nodded and shuffled through some papers. He pulled out the lyrics the third years were working on.

"They seem to have a lot of trouble with this."

The first verse was highlighted with notes around the edges.

"It's difficult to get the meaning of the third line. I don't know how to explain it very well either because it really sounds like the writer is saying, 'it's only in your head' and then making the statement, 'you feel left out.' But they're not actually saying that, they're speaking of how that person feels about themselves."

"We have to explain it like he's talking to one specific person and that that person felt this way before the song started."

I thought about that. It was hard for people to separate the ideas of the singer and the ideas of the subject of the song. If we could take each part that spoke about how the subject of the song was feeling and explain those separately it would be easier to explain what the singer was talking about.

"That might work. And then we could focus on the other phrases that the singer uses like, 'don't write yourself off,' because they still don't understand that no one is literally writing themselves off of anything."

Mattsun laughed and wrote down our plan for the next day. We chatted a little more about how the volleyball team was doing and how everyone had been debating on asking me for help. No one seemed brave enough.

"I'm not that scary." I mumbled.

"I don't think that's the reason they're afraid."

"What are you talking about?"

He opened his mouth to respond but the first bell rang. He smiled and left after giving me a small wave. _'Well, I'm glad it's not something I'm going to obsess over for hours_.' I rolled my eyes sarcastically for no audience other than myself.

I exited the classroom and found my way to the restroom before going to class. It was unsurprisingly empty; most of the girls would use the facilities nearer to the front of the school. When I closed the door of the stall I heard bathroom door open once again. My ears picked up no other movement. ' _Did they change their mind_?' For some reason I smiled at what could have suddenly been more pressing than going to the bathroom.

When leaving the stall I looked around and confirmed that no one else had entered before steeling myself and turning on the water to wash my hands. The faucet had an option for hot water but all the students knew that it would come out freezing no matter how long it was left open. I took my time drying my hands to get rid of the cold and turned around to see someone waiting.

My stomach lurched and I had to fight back my breakfast. The reaction was visceral. I was again alone with a stranger who stood between myself and the door.

No, not one stranger, a group. Three girls, members of the crowd I had seen ambushing Oikawa weeks ago, blocked my escape. Blood was pumping loud in my ears and I had to concentrate hard to hear what they were saying. Flashbacks interrupted my thoughts and I tried not to hyperventilate. They had no idea how effective their surprise attack was.

"I've asked around about you. To figure out why Oikawa-kun would want to pay so much attention to you."

The shortest one was speaking but my eyes flickered to the light switch and my brain was calculating the distance from my spot by the sink to the door.

"Do you want to know what I learned?"

My attention was brought back to her. ' _She couldn't have found out about_ …' My eyes began to sting and I blinked rapidly, trying my best to stay aware of what was going on while my body wanted to run and cower at the same time.

"I learned you're the most pathetic fan of his yet. Joining the custodial crew just for a glimpse of him. I've heard the other players talking about you too. About how they have your number just 'in case'. One guess to figure out what that means." The three of them laughed cruelly.

"Oikawa-kun knows that you're the volleyball clubs play thing and is just interested in some easy action, even if it's as used up as you. If you stop this pretend 'friendship' you're playing at then we'll keep your dirty deeds a secret."

She took a step closer and I flinched back against the wall. She smiled again, proud to intimidate. Proud to be in control.

"If you don't then we'll make sure the whole school knows the long list of athletes you've had in your bed." She let her final words sink in before leaving in triumph, not sparing a backward glance at the shivering heap they left on the floor.

' _What is happening? This isn't real. This can't be real_.'

I was nobody. Those girls barely knew my name, I was sure, so why did they hate me so passionately? Was it really because I was having lunch with Oikawa? A sob broke through my lips and I bit down hard on the bottom to stifle any more. I was nobody. Why couldn't I just stay nobody? My face was surprisingly dry, tear free, but my eyes felt like they were about to burst. I tasted blood and released my lip.

 _'What am I going to do? They think I'm opening my legs for anyone who asks. They think I'm_ -' I couldn't think about anything else. The memory of the man who stole my virginity loomed above me. He turned me into this. Even if I wasn't sleeping with the whole volleyball club I was still impure. I was still exactly what they thought I was.

My stomach spasmed again and I scrambled on the floor to the nearest toilet, releasing the meager breakfast I'd had. I was shaking, my body in a kind of shock and I was unsure if it was due to the suddenness in which I vomited or the entire ordeal.

The words played over and over of their own volition. Like a haunted radio inside my head I had to listen to. If there was an off switch I was unable to find it.

Would I let them force me into refusing to eat lunch with Oikawa again? If I did that Aoi and Hajikun would immediately know something was wrong. I would have to lie to them and they would know I was. But if I didn't… my whole abdomen heaved over the toilet again but nothing came out.

Wave after wave hit me, my organs trying to push the poison out. But the poison was in my mind and all my dry heaving could not get rid of it. I choked on phantom vomit and sucked in air wildly. My breathing was shallow and my whole body was still shaking. It was all I could do to remain upright.

Moments passed in what felt like slow motion and, at last, my heaving stopped. I clumsily swiped at my face with my hand to clear any stray stomach contents and it came away bloody. I sagged against the toilet, unable and unwilling to think about the origin of the red on my palm. I just wanted to sleep.

I shot up from the ground, disoriented. _'Did I really fall asleep?_ ' I checked my wrists uselessly for a watch and found nothing. My phone was in my bag back in the classroom. ' _Oh no. The classroom_.' The thought of entering after so much time had passed was embarrassing. I flushed away my sick and peaked out of the door.

It looked to be deserted and I quickly stepped to the sink and shovelled cold water into my mouth. I rinsed over and over again but could still taste the bitterness on my tongue. My eyes were drawn to the mirror and the image of my brokenness reflected in it.

At some point I had started crying. The tracks of my tears were dried onto my face. My eyes were red and as swollen as my bottom lip. There was a gash on one side where I had bitten down too hard and I saw that my frequent rinsing and split it open once again

I touched it and winced just as the door slammed open. On instinct my back pressed against the wall and my and my arms flew in front of my chest, palms turned toward the intruder. I had let out a small yell in surprise and tried to control my shaking.

My body stayed cemented where I stood and recognition of the three people in front of me dawned. I saw everything that happened next in slow motion. Oikawa pushed his way into the bathroom before the others could make a move but he stopped just feet away.

Aoi and Hajikun ran past him with worry stricken faces and in seconds I felt their hands on me. They touched my shoulders, my hair, my hands, fingers brushed against my lip.

Hajikun's hands grabbed my shoulders tightly.

"What happened to you?"

I blinked in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

I didn't want to realize what he was referring to. I want strong enough to confront it with people surrounding me. There was no plan to go off of but to feign ignorance.

"Mari, you've been missing for hours! Iwa-kun saw your bag in class but when you didn't show up he texted us. The last person to see you was Matsukawa this morning."

I took in what she said and guilt settled in my empty stomach.

"Oh. I'm sorry to have worried you."

They stared at each before turning back to me.

"Mari, God, don't apologize, you're bleeding! Just please tell us what happened."

She grabbed a paper towel and ran it under the water before pressing it to my lip. I took it from her and went around her to sit on the counter risking a look at Oikawa in the process. He looked strained, almost in pain. I wondered if it was because of his knee.

I sat and looked up at all of them.

"I tripped and bit my lip when I fell, that's all."

The looks on each of their faces told me they didn't believe me and I was secretly grateful. Oikawa moved for the first time since entering and walked to my spot in the counter. He took the two from my hand and rinsed the pink away before bringing it up again. So, so gently he brushed the dampness across my skin and I saw that the napkin was red when it was removed. The blood must have smeared onto my face somehow. I hadn't taken a very good look at myself.

"You don't think we'll buy that, do you?" His voice was so low. I'd always liked how it got deeper when he was serious but it was his eyes that pushed me over the edge of my control. They were so expressive, so full of concern that the tears stinging my eyes fell over the brim.

My vision blurred and I fell forward his chest. My hands reached blindly in front of me and held tight onto the soft fabric of his vest in an attempt to anchor myself to reality as my emotional floodgates opened. My sobs were quiet but with no other sound they filled the room.

Almost immediately I felt fingers in my hair working smoothly from the scalp to the ends and returning to repeat the motion. The touch acted like a numbing agent sending tingles through my skin and into my brain to slowly calm the current of emotion that overtook me. Nimbly they combed through until the sobs turned into quite shivers and then to steady, even breaths.

My eyes were closed and my face rested on him in the space between my hands. I didn't want to open them and have to explain my behavior, I wanted to exist in this soothing silence with Oikawa's hands, now still, resting on my head.

* * *

A/N:

Sorry, it couldn't stay happy forever


	12. Chapter 12

A/N:  
I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY! I'll save it until the end, though I really really would like you all to read it. It has all my 'thank you's' there. For now I'll just say that this was very hard to get through because I keep having ideas about future chapters that I want to write about making it REALLY hard to focus on the present. Also, sorry it took so long but, ya know, see previous sentence for my excuse.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 12

Slip You Into A Trance

Oikawa couldn't believe the events of the past weeks. Each time he sat across from her he felt unprecedented contentment. It seemed that to be in proximity of Naka-chan was to be fulfilled. It was as if the days that passed were the pins of a long rusted lock, shuddering and scraping away from the narrow tunnel that led to her true self. He could feel each one close behind him, locking him forever onto that path.

He realized that each day after the first had solidified his affection for her to another degree and that soon mere friendship would become as painful as forcing himself to dissolve their connection. Memories of the passing days held more highlights of her than anything else. He was no longer the subject of his own life, she was.

Although Iwa-chan had stressed the necessity of keeping their relationship platonic it was difficult not to outright show his deeper feelings for Naka. Many times he received an overly stern glare from his friend, a warning that his flirtatiousness was becoming too apparent. Worse still was his inability to focus completely during volleyball practice, finding his eyes roaming too many times over to her.

It became like a fix. He was impatient all morning waiting for the clocks to signal the lunch hour. He left his class too quick now for his admirers to accost him, though they still had opportunities before and after school. Every time she would be sitting in her desk and looking directly at the door as if she was as eager as he. The chair he sat in was already pushed up to her desk and a space had been made for him next to her bento. For the moment, those little gestures were enough to fill the gaping void she had left in him. For the moment.  
But that changed one Thursday. One week before the Inter Highs.

* * *

Outside his classroom in the morning he noticed Sato standing expectantly in front of classroom 5, arms crossed and a sour look on her face. He nudged Iwa-chan and nodded in her direction.

"I wonder what Naka-chan did now." He asked, smiling.

At that moment Sato-chan's impatient glare swung their direction and she made a beeline toward them.

"Have you seen Mari-chan?" The irritation was clear in her voice.

"She tutored this morning. She's probably still in the education wing."

Iwaizumi would be the only voice of reason in Naka-chan's absence and attempted to imbue the same soothing certainty she always had.

"Well she was _supposed_ to have breakfast with me. I had to eat both of the omelets I brought!"

Oikawa laughed.

"Surely you didn't _have_ to, Sato-chan?" She glared at him.

"It's getting close to the start of class and she's ignoring my angry texts-"

"I wonder why?"

She ignored Oikawa's interruption and continued.

" **So** , Iwa-kun you'll just have to chastise her for me" She demanded.  
"You're in a grumpy mood today Sato-chan."

Oikawa leaned against the wall and gave her a winning grin. Sato found no humor in his words and rolled her eyes.  
"If you think this is grumpy then don't catch me before 8 in the morning."  
"Oh! That's like Iwa-chan! He can't stand waking up before-"

Oikawa s quieted as Iwaizumi growled next to him. Though he had stopped talking his smile did not fade. He leaned closer to Sato-chan and held a lazy hand up to make a show of 'hiding' his words.

"Actually, he's grumpy all the time."  
"Oi, shittykawa I can hear you." Iwaizumi grumbled and his friend looked at him sweetly.  
The warning bell rang signaling to the group that they would have to pick up their conversation at lunch. With small waves they departed into their respective classrooms, all waiting for the appearance of the friend that tied them all together.

Just fifteen minutes into the lesson Oikawa felt his phone vibrate. He 'strategically' looked down to see that it was a group message between Iwaizumi, Sato, and himself.

 **Iwa-chan**

'Has Himari responded to you yet?'

 **Sato**

'No! Did you tell her how upset I was?'

There was a break in the messages for just a minute before his phone buzzed again.

 **Iwa-chan**

'She hasn't come to class.'

 **Sato**

'WHAT'

 **Shittykawa**

'...'

He tried to keep his face impassive to hide the fact that his attention was elsewhere. Forcing himself to pick up his pencil he jotted down the words of his teacher robotically. Why was her absence so unsettling? Was he because it had been Iwa-chan to first show concern? Or that Naka-chan was not the type to shirk her schoolwork? His phone buzzed a few more times.

 **Iwa-chan**

'Maybe she's in the bathroom'

 **Sato**

'For 15 minutes?

 **Sato**

'After class started?'

 **Sato**

'She didn't skip our breakfast plans for the BATHROOM!'

 **Shittykawa**

'I don't think we can speculate on that. After all what DO girls do in the bathroom anyway?.'

He was trying to convince himself as much as he was Sato while trying to keep the mood light. There was no reason to jump to conclusions. There were plenty of reasons for Naka-chan to be late to class. Plenty of normal, non-anxiety-inducing reasons. The best thing to do was to remain as much like himself as possible.

 **Sato**

'Is her bag in the classroom?'

 **Iwa-chan**

'Yes.'

 **Sato**

'Okay, now I really am worried. That means she left it there to come back to.'

 **Sato**

'Will someone text Matsukawa? He tutors with her right? I don't have his number.'

 **Shittykawa**

'I will.'

His response was quick, he was too wrapped up in the conversation, forgetting to pretend to listen to the lecture. Mattsun's number was punched in with too much energy and his message was abrupt and very unlike him.

 **Shittykawa**

'Did you see Nakahara this morning?'

Matsukawa, like many people, was not very likely to look at his phone in the middle of a lesson. Minutes ticked by with Sato-chan sending nervous messages about Naka-chan but the reply still didn't come. Fidgeting, his pulse rising with every message, Oikawa had just about made his mind up to leave his classroom when they were released for lunch.

While his senses were shocked at the amount of time that had passed, his body moved rapidly out the door. He bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet as he waited for the flow of students to subside. As soon as it abated he rushed into the room and found Iwaizumi holding Naka-chan's bag, looking inside of it. He pulled out her phone.

"Okay, this is bad."

They both turned to see Sato striding with purpose toward them.

"She doesn't have her phone. She _always_ has her phone."

Oikawa wasn't able to confirm that but he saw Iwa-chan nod his head and the situation felt a little more dire. His phone vibrated.

 **Mattsun**

'Yes. She was tutoring with me.'

 **Shittykawa**

'Did you see her go back to class?'

 **Mattsun**

'I don't know if she went there right away, I didn't see her when I left. Oikawa why are you asking me this?'

Oikawa didn't respond. He was thinking of the first part of the message. ' _He didn't see her on his way back to class.'_ He saw the way his friends looked to him for information, for an easy explanation as to where Naka-chan was. Words and phrases to ease the tension crossed his mind but with the worry creeping up his back they all felt wrong. He wasn't strong enough to bear the brunt of it alone and put on a show of normalcy.

"Mattsun said he saw her leave the tutoring room. He said he didn't know if she went to the classroom right away."

"Well, she obviously didn't. She's not _here_." Sato-chan's voice began to waver.

Between the three of them he was sure he wasn't the only one thinking about getting a school staff member involved. She had been missing for hours with no way to contact anyone, no way for anyone to contact her. The memory of her frantic, anxious, and hyperventilating on the bench in his neighborhood accosted him and would not fade.

"Let's go to the tutoring classroom." Iwaizumi spoke into the thick of their nervous tension. "We'll see the routes she could have taken from there."

Oikawa could have kissed him for being so level-headed while his stress muddied his brain; for being strong when he could not. As the group made their way at a near run he thought that Iwa-chan might have been the most frantic out of all of them. It must have seemed familiar, the worry they were all feeling for this girl. He had felt similar worry for his sister before her passing. Iwaizumi had blamed himself for being too late to help Sakiko; he would surely be burdened by that as they searched for Naka-chan.

It wasn't entirely the same, Naka-chan didn't have the same depression as Sakiko, but it felt similar enough that Oikawa brought a hand out to touch his friend's shoulder when they finally stopped at the classroom. They didn't bother looking inside. If she had been there for some unprecedented reason the administrator in charge of the room would have had her collect her things.

"Okay, let's just go down the hallway and think of where she could have gone." Iwaizumi showed some strain then.

They were all unsure of whether or not they would actually find anything as they fanned out in the hallway as if they were a search party. ' _I guess we are_.' Oikawa's thoughts unsettled him. Calling themselves a 'search party' made the whole situation seem so much worse.

"No way." Sato-chan suddenly spoke and started running.

"Hey! Wait, do you know where she is?" Oikawa shouted after her.

He and Iwaizumi quickly caught up with her.

"There's a girls bathroom around the corner. I know I said she wouldn't be in the bathroom but-" She cut herself off when she realized that no one was questioning her.

Any idea as to Naka-chan's whereabouts was worth pursuing and where else could a student have gone unnoticed for this amount of time? They rounded the turn and Oikawa's stomach flipped over. What would they find, if anything? Were they overreacting? Sato-chan threw the bathroom door open and his insides froze at once. They had been right to worry.

Naka-chan was there, shaken, disheveled, bruised, bleeding. The obvious suffering in her eyes paired with her appearance nearly made him cry out in shock. He moved forward quickly, the instinct to hold her in his arms and assess any damage had taken control, but the movement behind him made him stop. Iwaizumi and Sato quickly rushed around him.

Of course, she would want someone she knew better to comfort her. After all, what could he do after knowing her such a short time. Iwa-chan and Sato-chan had years of friendship to guide them on what to do. Oikawa could do nothing but stand and watch them worry over her. She was paying dumb but the distress on her face was a dead giveaway that she lied. Even after showing her the blood coming from her lip she stubbornly sat on the sink counter, denying them a true answer.

It seemed obvious to him that she was sitting in order to hide the weakness in her legs. She held onto the counter, knuckles white as the curled over the edge. ' _Why is she lying?'_ A simple fall wouldn't have detained her for so long. No. She was hiding something, something very painful.

In that moment his body could no longer obey his brain, the need to take care of her was too powerful and the blood on her face too frightening. As if on instinct he wet a towel to wipe her cheek clean taking the utmost care. He tried to focus on easing the tightness in his throat so he could speak to her.

"You don't think we'll buy that do you?" He asked as gently as he could.

It took only one beat of his heart for her eyes to fill with tears. She leaned forward, closing the space between them, and her hands tugged at his vest. The napkin fell from his grasp and his hands busied themselves in her hair. The reaction was automatic; a learned behavior from his childhood when his mother would do the same for him. The finger strokes through his hair always calmed him.

Thankfully, her breathing steadied, the sobbing quieted, and he stopped moving his hands, prepared for her to raise her head but she didn't. She stayed locked between her arms with her hands resting on his abdomen so he left his hands to lay gently on her head. Iwa-chan and Sato-chan had stayed just behind him, quiet, unwilling to disturb Naka as she rested. No one seemed to want to speak either to keep from upsetting her or from uncertainty of what to say. Oikawa knew he had no words for someone in distress outside of the volleyball court. He was also content to sit in silence for, although the moment was rife with worry and concern for her, he selfishly enjoyed the feel of the mutual touch they shared.  
Minutes ticked by and the lunch hour was half gone. Turning his head to look at Iwaizumi, Oikawa tried to let him know with just a look that he was going to try and rouse Naka-chan. He received no resistance and turned back to her. His hands moved slightly to the sides while still touching her soft hair and he leaned forward, pushing her head farther up his chest. He rested his cheek close to her ear.

"Naka-chan, will you speak to us?"

The whisper sounded so unlike him. Oikawa had never spoken in such a gentle and careful manner to anyone before which may have been the reason she finally stirred.

* * *

I felt him move away from me when I lifted my head from his body but the loss of touch was too disconcerting and instinctively my hands grabbed the sleeve of his dress shirt. My demanding pull didn't seem to bother him and he rested his hand on my arm. The three gazed at me expectantly but reserved. I knew none of them would push me overmuch but they all had hope that I would enlighten them as to what caused my sorry state. The minutes I spent crying had been mostly focused on working through what I was feeling in order to properly and logically decide what to do.

The shock I felt when I turned around to an unknown face was all too familiar and had me reeling from the start. Flashes of my previous trauma interrupted my vision, juxtaposed against what had gone on in the bathroom. From the moment I saw them the instinct to flee had been all consuming but quickly I registered the intent of their intimidation. They were attempting to blackmail me into staying away from Oikawa, threatening to expose what they thought was happening between the volleyball club members and myself.

Though untrue, the threat had been extremely effective playing on the darkness inside me that insisted I was dirty and less than whole. If the rumors began and the student body believed them I would receive looks and hear whispers that I already fought against in my own head. Seeing them brought to life in the eyes of my peers would no doubt be devastating.

I swallowed bile that burned my throat and looked at my friends. They had walked closer, surrounding me with love and protection and I felt that fighting this battle alone wouldn't make any sense. I had to have people I trusted or the loneliness would be crippling. With Oikawa's hand, warm and comforting, on my arm I drew a breath.

"My lip was bleeding because I bit it," I saw Aoi begin to protest, thinking I was again trying to lie, but I held a hand up to stop her, "but not during a fall. When I was in the bathroom three girls surprised me and threatened me."

The fingers on my arms twitched and I looked at Oikawa but he said nothing.

"Why did they threaten you?" Hajikun asked before Aoi-chan could begin her outraged string of expletive.

His voice to many people would have seemed to hold his usual surliness but I could hear the anger building with every word he spoke. I looked nervously at Oikawa and then looked at my fingers pulling at the hem of my skirt.

"They heard a few members of the volleyball club had my number. They think it's because," I had to stop and bite my lip.

Incredibly, I felt laughter bubbling up in me though I was still emotionally ragged and afraid. It seemed so ridiculous to say out loud and my nerves were frayed at the thought of telling my friends about such a horrible and embarrassing thing. But I had gone this far and forced myself to remain as composed as I could be before speaking again.

"They think it's because I sleep with them. That they have my number to call me to have sex. And I- I just couldn't handle it. I was so upset that I kept throwing up until I eventually fell asleep. I had just woken up when you arrived."

Oikawa maneuvered his arm away from my touch only to shift and hold my hands in his. They all had shock and outrage and anger plastered on their faces and immediately I felt better. They believed me. They were concerned for me. None of them tried to downplay it or tell me to 'just ignore it'. I hoped for as much from Hajikun who had heard my story first hand in our support group, as well as Aoi-chan who knew just the basics. But Oikawa... As usual, Oikawa, who knew nothing of my past, continued to surprise me.

"Why? Who are these girls and why do they want to do that to you? That's insane! Ugh, if I had been there I would have said words that would have them running for days."

Aoi-chan was rigid and her hands were clenched into fists. I reached out to console her, to brush away some of her anger and she responded minimally. I sighed.

"They want me to stop having lunch with Oikawa."

The atmosphere shifted greatly. The dark mood had for a moment been replaced by absolute surprise.

"Oh." Oikawa said quietly as he slid his hands from mine.

It felt like a slap to the face. He turned away from me and I felt dread in my belly. I knew what he would do, of course I knew. He and I had no deep connection to each other. He knew nothing of how I felt about him, not that it would have had any bearing on his actions. No, all we had was an awkward friendship that had frankly baffled me. Whatever intrigue might have prompted him to continue the friendship would have been squashed with the drama I had incurred. The value of the meager relationship we had was too ridiculously small for him to endure the impending whispers of why he was associating with the harlot of the volleyball club.

Yes, I knew what he would do, should do, and I still fought against it.

"Listen, the initial shock is gone and I've realized I overreacted. It's not a big deal, who cares what they say? I can just ignore it."

My stomach turned as I spoke the words I had scoffed at mere minutes before. It _would_ be a big deal but at that moment the idea of severing ties with Oikawa seemed much more unpleasant. I realized with despair that though I had tried to trick myself, told myself that it was just friendship, I had fallen a little more every day. Fallen so far that climbing back out seemed impossible.

Each time he had smiled, the smile he saved for those closest to him, he put a chink in my armor. Every laugh we shared weekend my resolve. Any look cast in my direction slowly carved a path directly to my heart. We were friends but he was now infinitely more important to me than the threats of a few girls. His presence in my life was rooted deep that his absence would leave a scar.

It wasn't fair. I hadn't even had time to bask in the thrill of liking someone. My insecurities and trauma tainted every emotion and, just as I was about to lose him, I was swearing that if he didn't end our friendship, if he sat down and tried to work through this then I wouldn't shy away from the terror of attraction. I promised myself that I would enjoy every moment and let myself grow. Accept the discomfort of liking someone and work through my issues instead of pushing away the best feeling I had ever known. But as I promised that to myself Oikawa turned toward the door and the new sensation of rejection coursed through me painfully.

"It's not worth it."

The quiet words were fireworks in my brain. Deafening and bright and angry red. They stayed in my mind's eye, stark fiery crimson against black, and spelled his words. Self loathing permeated all of me down to my bones and the glare of the fireworks still did not fade. Of course it wasn't worth it.

Before I had time to react physically Oikawa was halfway to the door. He was still faced away when said that he was returning to his classroom to eat before lunch ended. Looking at me with regret, with barely contained anger, Hajikun whispered a promise to me.

"We'll talk about this Sunday."

Then, he too left leaving Aoi-chan and myself alone. Our eyes locked and I could tell she wanted to say something. To speak soothing words perhaps. Comforting words that would attempt to make the situation less than it was. I had run off our new friends with a few sentences and nothing she could say would change that.

"It's not a big deal." I spoke a little too brightly. "Now those girls have no reason to spread lies."

I surprised myself by shrugging my shoulders and headed for the door. Aoi-chan followed me, wary, and mentioned quietly that we still had a few minutes to eat our lunches. I responded with a forced smile though my stomach was turning at the thought of food.

The hallways were busy with students talking and eating but the sound was muffled like they were all contained inside of a shell being held up to my ear. ' _It's okay. Just make it back to the classroom_.' I looked over at Aoi and smiled as best I could, trying to convince her that my casual attitude about what transpired wasn't a show. I could tell she badly wanted to talk to me about what happened but my demeanor or possibly the look on my face kept her at bay. At least until we arrived at my classroom.

Hajikun's bag was gone and I ignored the steel in my belly as I walked to mine. I held it up, ready to take out my lunch, when I asked myself if I could continue to act as if nothing had happened. Could I make it the rest of the day? My teacher would question my absence. Could I lie without breaking down?

"Himari, don't you want to talk about it?"

My hands gripped my bag tighter. I didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to stay at school. No, not just that I didn't want to. I _couldn't_. I couldn't last five more minutes let alone the rest of the day.

"Aoi-chan, I'm still feeling sick from earlier. I think I'm going to go home."

Without waiting for a response, without looking at her, I left. She called after me, she may have even taken a few steps intending to follow but I didn't hear her. I wasn't really there. I was under the fireworks trying to hold the painful darkness of my mind at bay.

* * *

A/N:

I see what you guys are doing. I see RIIIIIIGGGGHHHHTT through you. You just KNOW that your reviews make me want to write nonstop to put out more chapters for you. Well, it's absolutely working, so keep it up (please)! 3 much love to you all. And also please bear with me on the updates because with many admirers comes more perceived pressure on my part to make sure the writing is up to snuff. I might be overly critical and scour each page many times before I post. I'll try to cut back.

LilweenGalatrass: You are hilarious man and I AM SO SORRY because this chap definitely didn't go the way you probably wanted.

darkwryter: also really really sorry to you because Oikawa is so UGHSDLFJ in this chapter.

ICan'tThinkOfACleverUsername: Why THANK you :) I'll try to post with more frequency now that this road block of a chapter is out of the way.

Sekai Kun: Dude, I hope like, a week or so was enough time for you to get some damned sleep. I totally promise that this story isn't going to be all sad. Fluff to come! Let's just all get over this terrible mountain of feels and angst and then the other side will certainly be greener. Right?

TheChildishWriter: Thank you! That's such a big complement for me because I totally tend to skip right to the meat of a story. I hope you didn't skip this one too much (I did)

Minki: I totally get where you're coming from and honestly I had reservations about adding more of Himari and Mattsun's relationship. I ended up adding it because I liked it better than what I had originally wrote. I also think that, as reserved as Himari is, she wouldn't talk about all the things she is interested in/does. Partially based off of my life and how people don't usually know much about me though they consider me a close friend because I always steer the conversation toward them. I do agree that the inclusion could have been more smooth. It was hard for me not to be impatient since I scrapped the original scene and rewrote it. Also, because I was just so damned ready for some physical contact between the two. T^T

Another note is that, as most probably know, PTSD, anxiety, and other mood disorders are different for each person. Often, the busiest people or the ones we think are the most put together are the ones struggling the most. It's important for me to have my character have a full, ordinary looking life from the outside while she struggles with her inner demons.

As always, your reviews (dare I say, critiques?) make me stop and think about what I'm writing. Thank you.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N:  
THINGS ARE HAPPENING! I'm getting really excited about the next chapter. I'm hoping to release it before I travel back to Japan because when I get there I have AnimeJapan and manymanymany cherry blossom viewings planned and I know I won't be able to focus for a while. If I don't end up putting it out within the week it'll probably be beginning-mid April after I've settled back in.

Also, I'm not blind to how forced chapters 12 and 13 are. I'm going to keep editing and editing until I like it, but for the sake of progress I'VE JUST GOT TO POST THEM in order to get to the good stuff. Thanks for your patience and thanks for the new follows!

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 13

I Made Her Sad [I Knew it Would]

I weaved my way through the flock of students. Lunch was coming to a close and the mass influx had begun. Going against the flow of traffic was difficult and agonizingly slow. I just wanted to leave, desperate to be alone with the crushing feelings wrapped up within me.

Keeping my head down lest I be stopped by someone I knew I finally saw the courtyard exit. I quickened my pace, freedom was so near, and collided with a body I hadn't noticed, falling to the ground. Momentarily, the sticky black ink that consumed my thoughts abated and I looked up to see Yamada-kun staring baffled down at me.

"Ah!" He suddenly shouted and scrambled to help me up. "Nakahara-chan I am so sorry! I didn't see you running, you were so fast!"

His hands were still holding mine from pulling me off the ground and we looked down at them together. Retreating from me quickly he stepped back with a blush on his face.

"I'm sorry Yamada-kun, I wasn't looking where I was going."

My fingers curled and uncurled. Holding hands with Yamada was somehow dissatisfying, uncomfortable even. I could feel the beginning stages of depersonalization in my bones. My time was running out, I had to get home.

"No, no, it's alright. You were running the wrong way though. It's time to head back to class."

While he was talking I was being dragged deeper under the surface, ink oozing into my vision, my lungs. Unable to concentrate I couldn't stop myself from giving in to the familiar magnetic pull, realizing too late where I was looking. The doors to the cafeteria were unforgivingly placed adjacent to my exit. In the opening stood Oikawa with an irate looking Hajikun by his side. One of our classmates was talking to him animatedly, blushing as she spoke and receiving an encouraging grin in return. I was still staring as my next words tumbled out with little thought as if they weren't my own.

"Yamada-kun I'm not feeling very well."

He leaned down for a picture and whispered something in her ear and she giggled. The flash of the phone camera brought me out of the numb trance I felt watching them.

"I'm won't be able to make it after school."

I knew the girl.

"O-okay- hey! Nakahara-chan!"

I pushed passed, ignoring him, fleeing. I needed to leave because I knew the girl. Her expression next to Oikawa was soft and vulnerable, a far cry from the hateful glare I'd seen in the bathroom. ' _Well she got what she wanted. Oikawa is laughing with her and she got what she-_ ' I compulsively swallowed, trying to rid my throat of the large lump forming. When I reached the door, ready to push it open and be free, a hand held me back gripping my arm.

"Nakahara-chan, are you okay?"

An unwilling, quiet, sob passed my lips. It was Yamada's voice, his hand, and I realized there had been hope in my chest that it might have been Oikawa. But it wasn't, of course it wasn't. By body forced me to exhale as my lungs began to move in time with my emotions, erratic and urgent. I just wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to go home. But, despite my desperation, my eyes moved past Yamada to the crowd behind and found Oikawa-kun. It seemed that, although the pain I was feeling stemmed from my emotions toward him, the urge to take in his features once more was too great. He was looking at me, they all were, Yamada's shout had called their attention.

His mouth was open, shock or disbelief on his face, still leaning slightly for the picture he had taken. The girl next to him just barely hid a smug smile; would I ever learn her name? My eyes stung with tears and I decided I didn't want to know it. I didn't want to think about anything anymore.

Something in me clicked, fight or flight possibly, when I saw Hajikun move toward me. Like the coward I was, I ran. My arm tore away from Yamada's grasp and threw myself into the humid air of the courtyard. I didn't stop for a moment as I ran to my bike, fumbling with the lock. I had a moment to recognize the light drops of water falling onto my skin. The first rain of the season.

"How fitting." A voice spoke. It may have been my own.

It would do well hiding my tears.

* * *

The journey home passed in a blur. I moved on muscle memory alone as I struggled to stay present, my mind was racing and my brain refused to focus on any one thing. Bursting through the battle to stay aware of myself was the insidious feeling of being hurt. No, more than hurt; downtrodden; trampled. My skin crawled as everything underneath began to feel unnatural and I flexed my hands on the handlebars of my bike. It always started in the hands.

As it switched stations rapidly, my mind came full circle to one simple thought: Why? _Switch. Switch. Switch._ _Why?_ Why was I feeling so deeply, so severely? Was it merely caused by the rejection, or the knowledge that the events of the day had completely severed my only ties to Oikawa? Or was it, perhaps, that the girls who'd initiated the threat would now be in closer proximity to him than I? Perhaps it was all three. Each question was malformed, just a simple, vague mass of emotions to portray the ideas. It was so consuming that I didn't realize I had arrived home.

My bike was carelessly left where it fell, my concern elsewhere. I stood in the entryway, damp from the light rain, at a complete loss. I was home, but then what? What did I do then? Call my parents? Go to sleep? Eat something? The thoughts hit me rapidly, bombarding my brain in an attempt to short-circuit itself. But there was something that always helped when I couldn't think.

' _Yes. Medication. Medication. Medication._ '

Looking through my eyes as if it were a dream I saw my hands fishing around blindly for the pill case. I clutched at it as I was similarly grasping for one coherent thought. I held the small case with both hands, I _needed_ to do something with my hands so they remained _my_ hands. I stumbled to the kitchen with purpose but stopped. My eyes darted around the room, too many things to see, too much to process. What had I been looking for? The plastic of the pill case dug into my hands.

' _Medication!_ '

Scrambling to the sink I turned the faucet on full blast before I could forget what I was doing again. Shaky hands flipped open the case and carefully retrieved the promising little pill. I shoveled water into my mouth with the pill and clamped shut. My throat hurt, I had swallowed incorrectly in my urgency, but I had swallowed all the same. I closed my eyes and leaned against the counter, waiting for my thoughts to clear.

If I had had the ability to discern time I could have measured how long it took for me to calm down. As it was, I used the beating of my heart instead. It had been beating painfully fast from the emotions, from the bike ride home, and when it began to slow I felt the tension in my muscles subside. Slower still and my breathing regulated. Finally, even through the pounding headache that formed between my eyes, I could think plainly.

In my clarity I realized I had left the sink running and turned it off with a guilty wince. I looked around the kitchen at the small mess I'd left behind. My pill case, tossed down with haste, was sideways on the counter, thankfully with only a few loose pills that had been thrown out. My bag was still slumped in the entryway; I had no memory of removing it. The worst of it seemed to be the wet shoe prints from the door to the kitchen. I looked down at my shoes glumly and pushed them off, readying myself for the cleanup.

With the simple task to keep my body occupied I was able to focus on what I should do next. I'd have to tell my parents about my absence from school. They would be insanely worried but perhaps if I embellished a little bit about being sick they would refrain from hovering. I also decided on calling my therapist. I was out of my depth emotionally and I couldn't navigate it myself. If I was lucky he would be available within the week, if I was unlucky, well, Sunday was only a few days away.

I procrastinated, putting away the cleaning supplies slowly before reaching for my phone still in my bag. The screen was inundated with notifications. Aoi had tried to contact me through every conceivable form of social media and messaging app. Hajikun had as well. Most of the messages were sent before lunch but after my departure they had begun again. I thought only of deleting them, avoiding the anxiety of reading anything, starting with the oldest. It was humbling to think of how worried my friends were and I felt as much comfort as I did guilt.

Skipping past a text from Haru and another from my mother I found two texts from a number I hadn't saved in my phone. I left it alone until I deleted the rest of the texts, the most recent being from Aoi just five minutes ago. Haru had messaged about visiting soon and my mother had asked if I had talked to Haru recently. I smiled and just barely refrained from rolling my eyes. After another message from Aoi came in I finally responded.

Mari-chan

Aoi. Please relax. I'm at home and I'm fine. I've already called my parents.

It wasn't a complete lie. I did intend to call them, just not quite yet. I paid no attention to the immediate response I got from Aoi-chan and scrolled back down to the unknown number. The preview of the message only said, 'You may not have my number sa…' giving me no clues as to who it was other than what I already knew; that I hadn't saved the number. Sighing, I resolved to read the message.

XXX-XXXX-XXXX

Naka-chan, please just let me know if you're okay. Do that at least?

XXX-XXXX-XXXX

You may not have my number saved. It's Oikawa. Please text me back.

My stomach rolled. The time stamp was just a few hours before, prior to finding me, prior to the dismantling of our friendship. I sat down where I was and closed my eyes to stem the tears that pricked there. ' _Not now._ ' I took a deep breath and called my therapist's office. Iris at the front desk scheduled me as soon as she could, exactly one week away. I would have to miss most of my classes but the only time available was midday.

With that responsibility settled I called my father. Between he and my mother, he was bound to be the more level-headed. His work line rang until the last possible moment and I couldn't help but feel disruptive.

"Nakahara." He greeted, the weariness apparent in his voice.

"Hi, papa."

"Mari? What's the matter?" The change in tone was immediate.

"Nothing is wrong, I just wanted to call and let you know I'm feeling sick so I came home."

I was lying through my teeth and doing it terribly. My feeble, sheepish attempt at placating him would certainly not convince him. The line was silent for a moment and I could hear uneasy disapproval in the quiet.

"I'm trying to trust you, but you need to trust me too."

As always, my father knew the exact way to express his emotions with the fewest words possible. And, as always, his words were deeply effective. He and I both knew, as well as the rest of our small family, that I preferred to hide my wounds if it would spare someone else. Secrecy begets loneliness, there has never been an exception to that, and when I felt alone I hurt myself and the ones I loved.

Depression, anxiety, PTSD. You can understand that you have them and still fall into the same patterns of destruction. I was lucky to have parents who understood the signs.

"I had to leave school because I was starting to spiral."

My voice was weak. I still held back much of the truth but as important as transparency was to my mental health I need to have a few things just for me.

"So, I made an appointment with Dr. Stayer for next week and I'm going to take the rest of the day to calm down."

"Good girl. I appreciate you telling me." He said after a pause. "Do you want me to come home early?"

"No, no, I'll be fine, I promise. Just, could you maybe help me with mom?" I was still apprehensive about telling her.

"Of course."

"Thank you, Papa."

"Take care of yourself."

"I will."

We both paused for a moment before ending the connection. I hoped he understood how grateful I was to him. Before the attack my mother had been the leader, the one who handled everything the family needed and more, but something shifted that night and she wasn't as independent as she had been. She might have blamed herself, everyone found a way to blame themselves, and despite her best efforts the family dynamic was never the same. My father filled in the gaps to help in ways he had never needed to before. His efforts created enough balance to prevent our family from shattering.

After we hung up I clutched my phone and looked around the empty house. It would not do to stay inside at a time like this. I learned that nearly every time I wanted to stay inside, my body really needed to go out. That's how it was with depression and paired with anxiety it was sometimes impossible to make an effort to leave the house. But I didn't need to go far.

In our backyard I laid on the ground looking up at the sky and thought over some of the first words Dr. Stayer had ever spoken to me when I began therapy. He told me to accept my feelings, live in them, understand how I was affected by them and how I reacted because of them. It took hours upon hours in the beginning to understand what he meant. Accept my feelings? Okay, I'm sad but how does accepting that make me better? It wasn't until much later that I discovered that the more I feel something, the less likely I was to act irrationally because of them.

On the ground with my eyes closed I regulated my breathing. Meditation was a large part of discovering my emotions and I hadn't thought to do it in so long. I had made myself comfortable in the distance I kept between myself and others. Without many feelings to work through I had forgotten the necessity to take time to reflect on the turmoil of my mind. I took the few hours I would have alone to go inside myself.

At the heart of the emotions I had been feeling over the previous two months was fear. The driving factor behind nearly all of my actions in recent days had been fear based. I was afraid to get close to anyone, especially males, because the idea that you could never know what went on beneath the surface was scary. I had been attacked by a man who might have had a family. Might have had close friends. Might have been loved by someone. It was terrifying to get close to people, what if they were hiding something too? But, while that was a possibility, the likelihood was so small that the fear was irrational. It prevented me from making any relationships that had meaning, let alone one that held attraction.

Oikawa's face filtered through the blackness of my closed eyes and pulled my phone to my chest, remembering his messages. I wanted to push away the feelings, they rattled me and confused me but I couldn't. I saw his face and I let it stay. I couldn't run from it anymore, I was attracted to him, and in many ways. His personality challenged mine in a way that was always sort of thrilling. Often, our banter back and forth made others feel left out because we were so absorbed in the other. He was largely unapologetic for his actions which was both irritating and somehow endearing. When he addressed me I felt like his whole being was concentrated in me.

It was easy to work through those feelings. They were safe. It was monumentally more difficult to accept the physical attraction I had for him. His effortless hair, expressive eyes, the way his mouth moved as he spoke even when he was whining. His height, his athleticism, his walk. His strength. My whole body shivered and goose bumps covered my skin. Oikawa was the first man whose strength excited me instead of making me think of ways I might have to escape him.

The realization that I was _physically_ attracted to someone was the like a powerful bomb dropped on an unsuspecting landscape. At the point of impact was a large crater and the biggest fear: carnal attraction. Outside of that were trees that were blasted to bits, the disgust in myself for wanting to be with a man after what happened to me. Farther out had scorch marks from the edge of the fiery blast but not all was destroyed. That area was the fear that I was too tarnished and dirty to ever be desirable. The last area held the flora that had survived the blast but had been so pummeled by the force that everything would then exist at an angle, remaining in the ground but forever leaning away from the destruction. It was the fear of not having my feelings reciprocated, hearing a true rejection of my affection.

Each of these was painful to think about mentally and physically. The anxiety of having to deal with it all had sent me into panic before, causing a spiral of self hate at my uselessness. It had prompted me to try and run from the person at the heart of all of the feelings but I failed in that. Laying in the dimming sunlight, in the proper frame of mind, I forced myself to feel it all. ' _I like someone, and that is okay. It's okay. I'm okay._ '

It was bound to happen eventually, I couldn't go my whole life avoiding the human experience. Even if it was scary the feelings would not simply go away if I ignored them. I had to face them as they came and look into the eyes of the fear that sought to control me and hurt me. In doing so I looked deeper into myself. I learned how resilient humans are to experience trauma and still be able to feel normal emotion. To be haunted by the past but still have the will to go on. Like new life emerging from the earth that had been ravaged by an explosion.

Tears stung my eyes and I realized that that was me. I could be the flower that made its way passed charred ground to blossom, defiant of the conditions I was formed in. I could never go back and change anything, the soil was absent of nutrients, but I had other tools to survive. I had the warm sun in my family, giving me light to feed off of. I had the cool rain in my friends, giving me water to keep me fresh and strong. With those all I had to do was exist in a way that honored them for all of their love and support.

If I continued to let fear consume me I would die. I would be rejecting the efforts of people who cared about me and forcing myself to suffer. Fear would always be a part of life, fear of my past, fear of the unknown, fear of myself. But to live by it was not truly living. To accept it for what it was and to thrive in spite of it was living.

So, fear would live in me; a dark, bottomless lake that wanted nothing more than to pull me under the surface. But that's not all that lived in me. I had meadows of happiness, shelter of strength, rains of sadness or joy, scorching sands of anger, fog of jealousy, mirages of desire and want, a stream of spontaneity, and more all brightly lit with a sun that contained all the love I felt for and from others.

I was a world of so many things and so much of me was beautiful. I let the tears free, excising the despair and hurt and fear in each drop. I cried until I had no more tears.

* * *

"You're the biggest idiot I've ever met."

"What? Iwa-chan I didn't even do anything!"

Oikawa and Iwaizumi were, habitually, the last two remaining in the club room after practice and the latter slammed his locker shut.

"Don't get cute. You know what you did."

The playful outrage on Oikawa's face faded under the gaze of his friend. He turned away.

"There was nothing else to do." He shut his locker quietly and made for the door.

"' _There was nothing else to do'_? Only you could possibly come to that conclusion. Did you take a moment to think about what you did? What you said?"

Iwaizumi was strained and was doing a spectacular job of keeping himself controlled. If he hadn't grown up with Oikawa, if their bond hadn't run so deep, he would have left words behind long ago and opted for physical communication. He pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes shut tight as a headache formed.

"Iwa-chan, I-"

"I should never have helped you."

"... What?"

"I should never have helped you get closer to her. I knew you were lying that day, when you pretended to be joking after confessing your feelings. I knew it was a lie but I thought that being friends would be fine while keeping her from getting hurt. I thought if she wasn't in a relationship with you there would be no reason for her to feel pain.

And she was happy. She doesn't open up to anybody but for some reason you were different and if I didn't know any better I would think that she-" he stopped and took a breath. "Do you know how much pain she must be in now?"

Oikawa leaned away as if the words were forcing him back. Iwa-chan had always been volatile and surly in their interactions, particularly when Oikawa had angered him. Seeing him so controlled have him the nasty feeling of being wrong. He was so rarely wrong.

"Why would she be in pain?"

The question was honest for Oikawa really didn't understand. When he had seen her departure from school he was shocked and concerned but he assumed the ordeal with her tormentors had been the cause. Iwaizumi sighed once more.

"I keep telling you, you don't know her like I do. The fact that she trusted you, clung to you like she did, it means something. And you threw it away so easily."

Oikawa's bag dropped to the floor.

"That wasn't easy!"

The shout was sudden and jarring in the empty room. Iwaizumi managed to close his mouth quickly after it had opened in surprise.

"How could it be easy? I had to leave her there like that! I had to pull her hands off of me!"

His fists clenched and his teeth gnashed together. Heat rose within him as he recalled the face she had made when he pulled his hands from hers. Every part of him objected save for the small idea that if he went away, so too would her troubles. He hadn't been deaf to the desperation in her voice when she had claimed to be fine. When he turned away to hide the agony on his face he never thought she would experience it as well. Never knew that his friendship meant something to her.

The only sound in the room was their breathing as they each recounted the words they'd spoken. Slowly, each relaxed and the tension between them faded. Oikawa slumped down onto a bench, resting his arms on his legs, and looked at the floor. Iwaizumi sat on the bench opposite him.

"Then why did you leave? Why did you say what you did?"

Oikawa looked up at his friend with a melancholy smile.

"You know why. You said as much a month ago. Why would I let her continue a friendship with someone like me if it would cause her so much grief? When I said it wasn't worth it, I guess what I really meant was _I_ wasn't worth it."

They stared at each other, considering. Iwaizumi was stunned. Even though the decision to walk away from the friendship was bad, terrible even, he knew his friend well enough to understand that he was trying to put someone above himself. He was a narcissist who had found a person he was trying to be selfless for. Iwaizumi laughed.

"You really are an idiot."

Taken aback, Oikawa scowled.

"I'm trying to be serious for once Iwa-chan!"

"I know dumbass," he chuckled again, "you're just so clueless. You can't say stuff like that with no context. To everyone but you it sounded like you were saying Mari wasn't worth it."

Oikawa's eyes widened for a moment before he recovered but a light blush remained on his cheeks. His features arranged themselves into his signature pout.

"I'd never say something like that."

"Then why don't you tell her that?"

Oikawa scoffed.

"The whole point of ending the friendship was to prevent those girls from spreading rumors. If I approach her or apologize and try to repair what happened today it will just cause trouble for Naka-chan."

"You're telling me that, with a few well worded sentences, you can't stop your fans from following through with that threat?" Iwa-chan challenged.

' _Where is this coming from?'_ The turnaround Iwa-chan had done confused him. Not three minutes prior he had been all but shaking with indignation. The ghost of a smile on his face almost looked like approval, like expectation. Oikawa felt excitement well up within him.

"Calm down." Iwaizumi glared. "I still don't think she could handle anything more than friendship with you. But I do know that you mean a lot to her. You shouldn't let things get in the way of that. It isn't like you to be a quitter, Captain."

Oikawa couldn't bring himself to give in to the taunt. He was only thinking about how he needed to fix the damage he'd done. Her exit that afternoon was clouded with the information that Iwa-chan had given him. In hindsight he could now see that she had fled because of him and it made his stomach roll. He spent the entirety of the walk home obsessing over how to approach Naka-chan. For the sake of his sanity and her emotional well-being he would have to do it soon.

* * *

The Oikawa portion of this chapter is dedicated to LilweenGalatrass because we are so on the same page. It's like you read my mind (or hacked my documents XD). You have NO idea how much I wanted Iwa-chan to just go off on Oikawa.


	14. Chapter 14

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This story is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 14

It's as if I'm Scared

It had been an emotional night. I was afraid my parents were going to be on high alert after we discussed what happened at school but mercifully they remained fairly calm. The dams that had burst hours before allowed me to keep a clear mind during the conversation, impressing upon them my ability to recognize and take care of the situation. Though my mother's watchful eye was ever on me I received no other signal of their worry. It felt good to be trusted. ' _Maybe next they'll let you have a candle in your room.'_

I smiled to myself as I finished breakfast and looked at the time. It was still a little early but I moved to leave anyway, thinking of taking the long way to allow myself more time to determine my course of action, if any, with Oikawa. As I passed through the house I caught my image in the hall mirror. Pulling this way and that at my uniform I knew that I was fussing more than usual over my appearance. Clearly, I was nervous.

The reflection of my eyes caught me and my nerves held me there in a trance. I thought of nothing, the world blurring out everything but my eyes, feeling only the clear growth of my emotions on the thin agar my body could provide. In my glazed visual fugue I didn't notice when my hands reached towards my immaculately braided hair and worried through it, undoing all the hard work.

Realizing what I'd done too late I cursed. I definitely didn't have time to do it again before I needed to leave. I would have to leave it down. On thinking that I stepped away from the mirror. If I looked at in any longer my subconscious would just hammer down what little self-esteem I had. Outside I pulled my bike, lovingly moved from the ground to the side of the house by my mother, and checked that my bag was strapped securely around my torso before heading out. My thoughts drifted back to Oikawa.

My belly tightened in response and despite what happened the previous day I felt a giddy smile force itself onto my face. I _liked_ someone and I was starting to understand how truly extraordinary that felt. The mere idea of seeing him in the gym at practice or in the hallways sent waves of excitement through me. I was too happy to linger on his words or actions when he left the bathroom. I was finally letting myself enjoy something.

Although I was thrilled at my newly discovered self acceptance I couldn't avoid the anxiety. It remained attached to my happiness like a shadow, ever present. It kept asking me if I was going to approach Oikawa and what I would say if I did. It reminded me that I had no idea how to style my hair and that leaving it down was a mistake. It told me that I'd better not sweat too much on the ride to school. Even though each of those clung to me they would not shake the joy I felt. ' _I'm finally letting myself enjoy something.'_

The ride passed quickly as energized as I was and I hopped off my bike, leading it too the racks to chain it up. My phone vibrated in my jacket pocket and I ignored it. Aoi-chan had been ruthless last night, messaging me to no end until I finally responded. I knew she would be waiting for me at the school entrance and I scrunched my nose, preparing myself for a high-pitched lecture from her.

With a deep breath I rounded the corner and promptly ran into someone. I let out a gasp as I fell but sure hands found my arms and steadied me. Looking up to apologize I gasped again, rather, I _tried_ but the air in my lungs had disappeared.

Oikawa Tooru was holding my arms with clear concern in his expression.

"I'm sorry, I was waiting for you at the gate but I started to get worried that you weren't coming. I was going to check on you at your house."

"Oikawa…"

I was still stunned. The tightness in my stomach intensified as I took in the feeling of his fingers on my arms. His face, his punishingly gorgeous face, was just a foot away from mine. The silence stretched and with something akin to guilt he finally released me and stepped back. I still hadn't thought of anything to say but apparently he was more prepared than I.

"I know what I did yesterday was...well, horrible. But please, listen to what I have to say. I begged Aoi-chan for hours to be the first one to greet you today."

I couldn't have denied him even if I wanted to. I was captivated by the sincerity in his voice.

"What I said wasn't meant to hurt you. I was so self-absorbed I didn't realize my words would be taken so negatively. I thought ending our friendship was what was best for you. I was trying to protect you."

Closing my eyes for a moment I took in his words. The wrapped warmly around me, comforting and soft, and when I felt I was strong enough I looked up at him again.

"But a mutual friend of ours used many abusive words to tell me I made the wrong choice. I shouldn't have tried to take everything into my own hands and I am so, so sorry Naka-chan. If you can trust me, and if you want to, I would like nothing more than to keep being friends with you."

In an act of bravery or insanity I closed the distance between us and locked my arms tightly around him, letting my head lean against him. I felt his arms return the gesture and in that moment I swore I was weightless. The rise and fall of his chest kept me there longer than I should have.

"Thank you." I said softly as I pulled away.

As we faced each other again I was taken aback by the image before me. Oikawa's eyes were wide and on his cheeks were the very distinct marks of a blush. ' _Why is he blushing?'_. I increased the distance between us and looked away, my cheeks responding in kind.

"We should get to class."

I was given wordless agreement and we both headed inside, our bodies brushing together occasionally as we walked. It felt as though something had changed between us. My overt show of affection was uncharacteristic but it might have brought us closer. ' _As friends,'_ my brain clarified. As if I didn't know the man beside me was out of my league.

We stopped in front of my classroom and Oikawa held the door open for me. A smile formed on his lips as he gestured inside. My cheeks were warm again and I hoped it wasn't as noticeable as it felt. When I passed him he leaned down.

"See you later."

The whisper left shivers cascading down my body and I turned around. The door was already closing and Oikawa had gone. I brought my hand up to cover the cheek-splitting grin and walked to my seat.

* * *

 **Oikawa-kun**

"I'm bored"

I smiled down at my phone, grateful that we were working alone at our desks. Glancing at the teacher I took a risk and responded.

 **Naka-chan 3**

"Pay attention! You'll get yourself in trouble if you get caught texting."

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Look who's talking"

 **Naka-chan 3**

"We're working at our desks right now"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Well then so am I"

 **Naka-chan 3**

"Liar"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Alright, I'm not, but I'm soooo boooooorrrreeeeeedddddd"

Biting my lip I turned my phone over in my lap. I couldn't let him distract me. The English paper in front of me was half finished. As I began writing I felt the buzz in my lap of another message. I pursed my lips to prevent a smile from forming and continued my work. After another paragraph I felt more vibrations. ' _I'm almost done with the essay, I have time to take a quick peek._ '

 **Oikawa-kun**

'I'm still paying attention. I promise ;)

 **Oikawa-kun**

"... You're not going to text me back are you?"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Naaas kkkkkjaa aaa-ccccchghhaaaaaaannnn"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"I"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Will"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Just"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Keep"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Messaging"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"You"

 **Naka-chan 3**

"OIKAWA!"

 **Oikawa-kun**

"Oh HI Naka-chan, you know you really shouldn't be texting during class."

 **Naka-chan 3**

"You're so annoying."

 **Oikawa-kun**

"T^T Don't be so mean! Besides, it's what makes me lovable."

My cheeks were, had to be, bright red. His joke had hit the mark, or rather, one of the marks. Despite the mildly annoying nature of his personality I found it overall to be one of the things I liked about him. But I really had to focus on my paper. I thought about ways to end the conversation that might catch him off guard. ' _I wonder how he'll react if I…_ '

My body lit on fire and I quickly typed in the message before I could change my mind

 **Naka-chan 3**

"You're right, it is."

 **Naka-chan 3**

"I'm turning my phone off now. PAY ATTENTION! See you at lunch, hopefully."

As soon as they were sent I shut off my phone and continued with my paper. The color of my cheeks didn't fade until well passed finishing time. I found myself glancing at the blank screen of my phone as a new lesson began, feeling foolish but unable to stop. After a few minutes I shoved it back in my bag, determined to forget the entire experience.

* * *

Iwa-chan was most certainly going to kill him. At the very least maim him but he couldn't help himself. When Naka-chan pressed her body into his after his plea he felt the last of his self control snap. He was too into her and he could no longer stand to resist, determined to _attempt_ to win her favor in return. There was a large possibility of failure due to her history with rejecting confessions.

But she had wrapped her arms around him like he was the only man in the planet and he couldn't ignore that feeling. He had never felt that way before, never thought he would need to feel that way again. Her attentions were addictive.

Maybe that was the reason he'd thrown caution to the wind that morning, whispering in her ear in the deeper voice he thought she enjoyed. She was so unlike any other girl he had liked however that he was unsure of how she would react. He walked away without looking, choosing to believe his words had the desired effect.

Since their first meeting he couldn't stop thinking about her and therein lied the problem. He could almost count down to the minute the time he spent thinking of certain things throughout the day. First and foremost had always been volleyball followed by varying intensities of school and family and friends.

Naka-chan had turned that routine on end. She was now an invasive presence in every rumination he had. Thoughts of volleyball would be forever changed since the training camp, wrapped up and bundled tightly with her. His friendships with even those who didn't know her brought forward every moment he had spent with her. Anything important, unimportant, neutral was interrupted by her.

The decision to pursue her despite the misgivings of Iwa-chan actually brought him relief. If by some miracle she would be interested in someone such as he there might be hope for his concentration. Having her affection would sate the hungriest part of him and would finally let him return some energy to the things he previously cared about. If she didn't return his feelings he would move on, hopefully, and return to his life as it had been before her abrupt introduction.

Oikawa's phone buzzed and he looked at it immediately, careless about whether he would be seen or not and _almost_ felt regret. The physical reaction he had to her last two messages was severe. His stomach tightened so quickly with excitement that he nearly thought it would send up his breakfast. ' _If this is how it truly feels to like someone I wonder how anyone survives.'_

Stunningly, he could not think of a clever or flirtatious response and instead opted for simple honesty.

 **Oikawa-kun**

I'm looking forward to it.

* * *

When we were released for lunch I nervously turned to Hajikun who returned my questioning glance with a warm smile. It told me nothing. ' _Is he eating lunch in here or not?'_ The students filtered out yet he and I remained seated. Butterflies swarmed my stomach.

He was outside the classroom surrounded by girls and the same thought hit me. Would he join us for lunch? He was smiling with his head slightly tilted and bright a hand up to the back of his head. That was a favorite pose amongst his fans. But when he opened his eyes they were hard as steel. His smile remained as he spoke.

"I'm going to have lunch with some friends of mine. I'm sure you know my routine. But, I'm troubled, you see, because a few people don't seem to want to accept that."

Everyone was frozen, captivated and intimidated by his tone.

"Understand that those who hurt my friends make an enemy of me."

His last words hung in the air and he left them in silence, entering my classroom without another glance. My mouth was agape with surprise, admiration, and deep, deep affection. He sat down in his usual spot as I rearranged my expression. We locked eyes.

"My, Oikawa, that was scary." I had the pleasure of seeing hits reluctant smile.

"Was it? Oh no, should I go apologize?" He challenged, bringing my own grin forward.

"No, no, the damage is done. How ever will you spend your time now that you've scared all your fans away?"

I had all but forgotten we were not alone when Hajikun spoke.

"What's going on here?" The blatant curiosity in his voice was accompanied by worry.

"Iwa-kun, shut up." Aoi whispered, irritated.

Oikawa responded like there hadn't been a break in our conversation

"I'm sure I'll figure something out. Do you have any suggestions?" He leaned forward and rested his head lazily on one hand.

"I've been running every Sunday since Hinata visited," my voice became more breathy as my pulse rose from the tension in my nerves, "you could join me on my next one.

"Seriously, what is happening here?" Hajikun's voice was resoundingly opposed to the way the conversation had headed.

"Seriously, Iwa-kun, _shut up_!"

I could hear Aoi-chan's desperation as she chastised Hajikun. The wheels in her head were probably rotating rapidly, connecting each behavior I had exhibited over the past months. It was glaringly obvious from the abundant glee present on her face that she had guessed correctly that the person I had intimated to her that I liked was Oikawa.

Conversely, I knew that Hajikun was more than a little uncomfortable. Our relationship was not one cast in the typical mold of friendship. While he and I were close as siblings could ever be there came moments where the lines of our friendship became unclear.

Just how protective could he be in a situation like this? I'd never shown any interest in men before. How much could he object without crossing the line?

I tried to he cognizant of him but the way Oikawa was looking at me made everything other than him fade to gray. Only he stood out, saturating my vision with the brightness of his being. The rich brown color of his eyes could make anyone feel unsteady. I was glad to be seated.

"How can I say no to seeing you so early in the day?"

My skin prickled with pleasure and fear. I wanted to spend time with him, with only him, despite the stubborn apprehension I felt. The learned behavior my body reacted with in regards to men was proving to be deeply rooted in me. More weeding was necessary.

"Is five too early for you?"

It was absolutely too early for me but I was already counting down the minutes until our meeting. Waiting the extra hour for my usual morning run time was just unacceptable.

"Five is exactly right." His response stroked my confidence.

We stared at each other; I, content with my bold invitation, and he content for his own reasons. Whatever they were I was exceptionally glad that our goals intersected at at least one juncture.

"Have you two finished pretending we don't exist?"

I turned, slightly ashamed, to a surly Hajikun with an apology on my lips but I was beaten.

"For now."

Oikawa's words were followed by a yelp as Hajikun pinched his ear and yanked his head to the side.

"Ow! OUCH!" Oikawa pushed his chair back and held his abused ear with both hands.

My eyes met with the person I was closest to out of anyone I had ever known and my heart stung. The usual, aloof distance on his face was replaced by such concern that I reached out to touch his arm. I could feel the tension in his muscles even through his school blazer.

Oikawa's eyes flickered toward the movement and his expression sobered before repositioning himself at the desk but my eyes remained on Hajikun. The awkwardness of the situation settled on my shoulders. Shame broiled within me as I took fool realization of my overt flirting.

I had been caught up in the high of Oikawa flirting back but I was beginning to feel regret. It was usual for him to respond with that sort of mannerism in kind. He could never maintain his fanbase otherwise. I couldn't meet their eyes as I addressed them.

"Jeez you guys, you're acting like something weird happened."

A quiet squeal emitted from Aoi-chan. I turned to her with warning in my expression. She was bouncing in her seat with a poorly hidden smile.

"Mari!"

She drew my name out, a continuation of the squealing before that foreshadowed a myriad of expressions and statements.

"You're still doing it. Quit it."

I could tell she wasn't planning on heading my words, at least not for long. My hand moved across Hajikun's arm to soothe as I spoke again.

"I'm allowed to have friends other than you two. Like either of you would come with me anyway. Hajikun, you can't be bothered before seven and Aoi, you don't even run.

"Oikawa-kun is literally my only option if I don't want to run alone. So, again, quit it."

With that I gave Hajikun's arm a light pat and prepared to eat my lunch, determined to avoid any more conversation about what had transpired. Each of them slowly mirrored my movements though I could tell the situation was far from resolved.

My timing was always inappropriately off. _Why, why, why? Have some self control. You could have brought that up at literally any other time. At practice for instance. Idiot!"_

We ate in silence before, incredibly, my thoughts drifted to watching Oikawa playing volleyball. He had been getting more intense as the Inter Highs approached. Practices had become absolutely brutal and downright thrilling to view.

It was rare for me to see official matches and if I was in attendance it was only to clean the gym. I had never had the time to _really_ watch Oikawa when he was fighting for a win. With the passing days I find myself becoming more and more wrapped up in his performance

His determination and drive and complete control powered his team and me attraction. I couldn't help watching him and thinking that he was made for if. To lead, to compete, to play volleyball. But, was that an accurate assessment or was I simply too deeply under the influence of my feelings?

Looking up at the object of my thoughts I found he was looking at me as well. There was something new in the state that excited me and simultaneously multiplied my impatience for the coming weekend. In the periphery I saw Aoi-chan giving me a knowing look and I turned away from Oikawa at once.

"Aoi-chan, did I tell you Hinata and Haru are visiting next weekend?"

While she was distracted, as I'd hoped, her expression was one I had not anticipated. All humor had dissipated and an embarrassed blush grew on her cheeks.

"Is that so?"

There was false brevity in her voice as it rose higher than usual. My misdirection was more successful than I could have hoped and I ran with it.

"Yep! They'll be coming in next Friday pretty early. Enough time for them to bring us lunch even."

The idea of that brought a smile to my face. Haru hadn't been home in quite some time and I suspected the sudden gap in his schedule had something to do with Hinata. As she and I made light conversation I noticed the uneasy silence between the boys. The gap separating them seemed miles wide and not even the minutes ticking away could lessen it.

' _I don't know what's going on with them but I hope they fix it soon…'_

Lunch passed in that fashion. Aoi-chan and I provided the bulk of the conversation and interacted with each of them separately. By the time lunch ended I decided to find some time to pull Hajikun aside and weasel information out of him. I'd never seen he and Oikawa like that and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was somehow the cause.

* * *

A/N:

HELLO! I'M BACK FROM MY AMAZING TRIP AND I THINK I FOUND A JOB. I also hope I wasn't too distracted that the chapter suffered. Maybe I'll put my tumblr url in the next chapter so everyone can see all the goodies I got. BAI


	15. Chapter 15

A/N:

PTSD is a real sonofabitch. It produces a whole slew of other mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. For this chapter some may be wondering if the yo-yoing of emotion really happens the way I'm describing it and all I can say is that for me it absolutely does. It never goes away. It's always there. No matter what situation you're in or how happy you are there will always be something that brings you back. That's where the word 'trigger' comes from. It's a word that not just tumblr users use, but psychologists, psychotherapists, neurologists, and more.

Going forward there will be more difficult chapters, though not anything to the extent of chapter 5. Also, if you're interested, notes after the chapter will contain my opinion of the Netflix Original 13 Reasons Why

uchiha-yaku-chan - I love it too, I listen to it often. Fun fact - I grew up in the same area Jimmy Eat World started in. ;)

Inedible - You are fantastic and I am so amazingly grateful that you BINGE read them whaaaaattttttt! That's seriously my favorite compliment. Also, it's so hard for me to write sometimes because I'm fangirling as things are happening. And I am so glad Naka-chan is relatable. It was my ultimate goal for the character in order for people to have a personal investment in the story.

Liltorgy - I try my best to use everything I can find that's canon and bring it into the story. Everything you see so far in regards to the characters backgrounds, likes/dislikes, etc, has been heavily researched. It's very time consuming but obviously worth it from your comments! And thank you for thanking me. It's easier to tell a similar story through fiction than it is to tell my real story but the feelings are still there. Every emotion is real. I'm extremely happy to hear that you've been effected so deeply and that you have drive to help. There are always ways to do that. No matter what you're doing, school, work, other (?), you can look for advocacy groups or even work to create your own. It would require a little research, a lot maybe depending on the area, but I can say that if anyone had put any effort toward helping me I could have begun the healing process much sooner. On a lighter note, I squealed like a lil baby piggy when you said you were up until 6am! AH. I'm too emotional. I'm gonna cry.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 15

Relax, Take it Easy

Friday evening's practice was rough at best. Oikawa had expected as much after his friend's reaction during lunch but he had hoped to at least come to some sort of middle ground. Iwa-chan hadn't so much as looked at him the entire day. He followed instructions and moved with instinct on the court but nothing more and while they usually ended the day simultaneously in front of their club room lockers, Iwaizumi had left before Oikawa could see him go.

It wasn't as if Oikawa didn't feel bad. His closest childhood friend had made one simple request of him and he willfully disregarded it, though not with impertinence. It was not from lack of respect and certainly not without expressing a colossal amount of willpower he didn't know he had. Indeed it was from his own selfishness that he gave in, and the giving in was so bittersweet.

There were few things he had ever sought after. His first girlfriend, to be sure. A few, minor material items when he was younger. His friendship with Iwa-chan. Most of all, volleyball. It was as if there were checkmarks next to each of his desires. He could see each achievement marked off as they passed and yet volleyball remained unblemished. Was it because the goal was ever evolving with each benchmark he had passed?

Best setter in the prefecture didn't matter when he couldn't win against Shiratorizawa. It seemed that he would never be satisfied until he bested Ushijima Wakatoshi on the court. It was consuming, suffocating. _No one_ tried harder than he did to change the outcome and yet _every time_ it was never enough. Maybe there would never be a checkmark next to volleyball. Maybe he was destined to remain as he was, forever seeking, never reaching. But something he never knew he needed was now within reach.

Nakahara Himari.

His brain was full of her and he had tried very hard not to pay attention although time got the better of him. It had been so long since he'd felt close to attaining something. He had been left stagnant for years with no foreseeable end and then she was there, shoving a volleyball into his chest and challenging him.

Oikawa smiled as he tied his shoes. She had taken away some of the intensity of his stress. Her presence in his life was like a balm for each part of him that was worked into the ground from his obsession with volleyball. It was something he had never experienced and after feeling it so acutely he couldn't leave their relationship as it was, not even for Iwaizumi. His smile faded and he quietly shut the door as he stepped into the morning light.

The day had been slow to arrive. After walking home by himself after practice he had no distractions to keep his focus away from his Sunday morning run with Naka-chan. Every call and message to Iwa-chan had been met with silence, leaving his fingers twitching over Naka's phone number. He felt the desire to vent his frustrations and concerns, a role that Iwaizumi had previously taken, and now that he was being ignored Oikawa found that the next person he wanted to share with was her.

There was a flutter in his chest that he coughed away and he set out at a light pace. Though slow, Sunday morning finally made its appearance and he had been up early, waiting for his clock to hit four thirty. It was an early time but he was glad when she suggested it. The earlier they started the more time they would have. Not that he was going to attempt to hang out with her all day. He was excited to see her, but not desperate. ' _Of course not.'_ His thoughts were mocking him.

It was good to leave so early as it gave him more time to think over the possible outcomes from the day. He had every intention of treading lightly out of respect for her and Iwa-chan. There was nothing about her even remotely similar to his usual selection of interested partners which was both fantastic and unsettling. Her differences made him feel that he had an actual connection with her, something he had never enjoyed with previous girlfriends, but left him with nothing to stand on in regards to furthering their relationship.

She was an amalgamation of good feelings and he didn't want to tarnish her by treating her similarly to the girls of his past. ' _Easier said than done'_ he mused, thinking back to Friday's practice. He had been lucky, that day her task was to maintain the gym during practice. Keeping the floor dirt-free and polished and wiping away the sweat that threatened injury if they weren't careful. Her close proximity had made it difficult to focus. She was attractive and moved with such fluidity, a product of her innate athleticism, that he found himself distracted often. Even if that hadn't been difficult to bear the glances that she sent his way would have dismantled his focus in an instant.

He found himself thinking of the few times they had made physical contact with each other. A hug here and there, their hands brushing together, their bodies colliding during a volleyball match. It was impossible to stop himself from thinking of ways to touch her again, though he felt guilty doing so. Grimly, he thought on her reactions to those touches. Oikawa was an analytical person, childish behavior aside, and her mannerisms and responses to certain things made it clear that she was uncomfortable with intimacy. At least physical intimacy, though he didn't know why.

That was why he was so set on handling the situation carefully. He may not have been able to stop his mind from wandering, but he could prevent himself from putting her in situations she would find unpleasant. It was important to him that she felt comfortable around him regardless of what their relationship was or ended up being. If it became clear that she wanted nothing more than friendship he would just have to find a way to endure it, but to never try to make it something greater, deeper, was not something he could do.

He would try. He would be the part of himself he reserved for those closest to him rather than the part that the rest of the world saw. He would do that and if she still didn't want him it would be fine. It would be fine because just knowing her added something extra to his life that he found too enjoyable to dismiss regardless of how she felt. She was a friend and a good one, one that he intended to keep.

Rounding the corner he caught sight of her house and slowed his pace to a walk. It was nearly four forty-five. He couldn't help the grin that spread on his face.

* * *

I pushed my head farther into my pillow and let out three very quick breaths to ready myself. Awake and dressed since four twenty I had spent the remainder of my time pacing anxiously. My eyesight was temporarily mottled with black spots when I finally opened my eyes to the ceiling above. I had been closing them so tight, too wound up from the nerves. I checked the clock obsessively again.

4:43 AM

It was about time to leave. I lurched my body forward to sit on my bed and my face soured at the uneasiness in my belly. ' _Why did I invite him again?'_ I had to be an idiot. I thought of his face when I asked him and smiled in spite of myself. ' _A brilliant idiot.'_

My hair was pulled up into a high ponytail because I could never wear it down while running. Though sweating brought a certain pride within me I couldn't stand the way my hair stuck to my damp skin. It made something wonderful feel gross, though my hair was so long that the tip of my ponytail still stuck to the back of my neck occasionally. My hands worried through the ends of my hair and I tried not to look in the mirror.

I wore my best running clothes. The shorts that fit me best, the bra that held me best, the loose shirt that gave the wind easy access to my overheated body near the end of a run. I was sort of dismayed that I had put so much effort into my appearance just because Oikawa was joining me for a run but I couldn't have fun feeling giddy about it than I couldn't really enjoy myself. I gave myself a pass.

At the door I tied my shoes slowly, wanting to buy myself more time before I left. We had agreed to meet at a point equidistant from our houses. A random corner crammed between a few housing buildings. I took a breath and opened the door, ready to clear my mind and relax on the way but the image waiting for me made my heart race faster than before.

"Oikawa!"

He was leaning on the gate separating my house from the sidewalk looking glorious. As he turned his hair caught the light and I felt like crying. Crying because the smile he gifted me was too cruel a sight so early in the morning. Because how on earth was I supposed to stand tall next to a man who looked like that? Because there was no way anything would ever happen between us. Because the buzzing throughout my body was vehemently defiant of that fact.

I had to refrain from tugging at my clothes nervously as I took in the rest of his appearance. He wasn't wearing the school gym clothes I was accustomed to seeing him in. Instead he wore a simple, white v-neck and dark grey running shorts. The thin cotton of his shirt left little up to imagination. ' _Really, that's borderline obscene'_ I tried to humor myself to prevent the slow blush I felt forming but the way it flowed simply and effortlessly over each muscle was unfair. No person could look at him without feeling some sort of way.

"Naka-chan!" He drew out the honorific as he opened the gate for me.

"What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet...Did you run here? You're going to overwork your knee!"

Too many thoughts passed through my head and I knew I sounded ridiculous as my words tumbled fast out of my mouth.

"It's cute that you worry but I only jogged here. Your house is quite close to mine, did you know that?"

"How would I know that? I've never been to your house."

His mouth opened and closed like a fish and I had to wonder what he stopped himself from saying.

"So?" I managed to make a single word a question but he looked at me blankly. "What are you doing here? We planned to meet somewhere so you wouldn't have to double back on the way to the cafe."

He scrunched his face up in an innocent, childlike expression of innocence.

"I was up early and just started walking. Why, aren't you glad I'm here?"

"Hardly. I'm already regretting inviting you."

"You've been hanging out with Iwa-chan too much." He pouted.

I rolled my eyes and started to stretch. After looking at me for a moment Oikawa followed suit. Knowing him he'd already warmed up his muscles before he left his house and I appreciated his patience while warmed up mine. We stayed quiet, focusing on the task, occasionally glancing awkwardly at each other before averting our gaze quickly.

"Uhm." My quiet murmur was embarrassing but Oikawa made up for it.

"Ready to go?"

I nodded, flush-faced and biting my lip. Running with my brother had been alright, and running by myself had been stress free. Running with someone as athletic as Oikawa was all but terrifying.

"Just turn when I turn and we'll make it to the cafe. Stick with me." He grinned.

"Wait, before we go," I interjected as I pulled out my headphones and plugged them into the running case wrapped around my arm, "I know I'm not as fit as you so if I tap you once it means 'slow down' and if I tap twice it means 'stop'."

I used the back of my hand to illustrate my words, knocking my knuckles against his bicep, comforted that this casual gesture didn't send shockwaves of fear and uneasiness through me. For some reason it had been easy with him; the actual touch itself, not the building up to it. Getting the courage to close the distance between us and connect physically was so difficult that I'd learned to try not to think about it at all. Thinking, in my case, with my brain, always lead to over-thinking. There were no exceptions.

"You could just say those things." He suggested.

I paused, my hands frozen near my left ear where I had just put an earbud in.

"You're not going to listen to music?"

He shrugged.

"I don't usually bring my phone when I'm running."

It was so casual. It never occurred to me that people might feel comfortable enough to leave home without such a lifeline. Images of my phone clattering to a locker room floor flashed before me and I pressed my lips together, tightening my stomach preemptively against any nausea that might have come. After a few quick breaths I tried to remember how I should respond to the person before me. ' _It's Oikawa Tooru. I'm going on a run to a cafe. I'm not there. I'm here._ '

"Do you mind that I have mine? I usually listen to something."

My words trailed off near the end as I realized how counterintuitive that was. I liked listening to music because it let me think and focus on something other than the fatigue and breathlessness of the run. Had I really become so naive again? If the music blocked out surrounding noise how would I ever hear my attacker?

My face must have shown the horror that dawned upon me when I realized that I had automatically assumed that I would be targeted again because Oikawa tried to reassure me.

"Hey, what are you so worried for? Of course you can listen to music!"

But his smile looked more forced than it usually was around me and I knew that I ruined the mood.

"Let's just head out."

My voice was as thin and tired as it had been the first time we had talked on the bench outside the gym. I averted my gaze but I could still feel him watching me as I selected the music I wanted. When he realized I wasn't going to address it he gestured to the path in front of us. I nodded and we began at a slow pace, gradually speeding up to a comfortable running pace.

The sinking feeling in my chest stayed like when you take too large a drink and it hurts right near your heart. I tried not to focus too much on Oikawa in my peripheral vision, scared that it would send me into a spiral, and let the music fill my mind.

* * *

' _It's getting hard to breathe.'_

It was disappointing, we hadn't been running for nearly as long as I usually did but I was declining. I could see Oikawa looking at me, probably wondering when I would ask to slow down or stop but I didn't want to give in. I was stronger than that.

As previously foreseen the ends of my hair had begun sticking to the sweat on my neck and back making me feel hot. It felt too humid for my body to cool itself off and my body temperature kept rising. I felt no fatigue, no sign that I was pushing myself too far but my breathing was as ragged as it would have been at the end of my run. The pressure in my chest from before hadn't dissipated and I had to wonder if my mental lashings against myself were the cause.

My thoughts became misty as my ears suddenly picked up on the song that was playing. It was 'The Middle', the song we were discussing in our English class. I'd listened to it a hundred times preparing for assignments and tutoring but I was surprised that it remained on my current playlist. I'd only heard it through the analytical lense, the studying lense, and yet it had unexpectedly drawn me out of my introspection.

I listened to the words with no intention of deciphering. I'd already deconstructed the lyrics over many hours, I knew what it was about. But without the forced perspective of a student completing an assignment I felt something different when listening. The words, heard a hundred times over, had suddenly blossomed within my lungs. Each word was a new bud, bursting into a flower and releasing such feelings of validation I was surprised that my legs were still working.

I was overflowing suddenly. ' _Everything will be just fine.'_ The floral implant within my chest did not hinder my breathing. ' _Everything will be alright.'_ It paradoxically made it easier to breathe, pushing away the previous, sinking darkness and making way for the light. The flowers, I found, were of course not actual flowers but forceful bursts of laughter pushing out of me. The song, fast and alt-rock, had become something so therapeutic that I felt genuine relief and happiness. The weight of my self-loathing lessened with each word and even if the feeling would be short lived, for, inevitably the bad would come around, the freedom of emotion it gave me was euphoric.

A smile formed on my face that I tried to contain but the flowers poured out anyway. Constant laughter, happy and light, flowed from me and I couldn't stop even when Oikawa's surprised face looked directly at me. Soon, though, a smile broke through his expression as well and we were both laughing with each other. Tears formed in my eyes, building up against the lower lashes until they cascaded out at the corners. I reached out and grabbed Oikawa's arm to both steady myself and slow us down.

We gradually came to a stop and let the laughter settle. I pulled the headphones from my ears and wiped the remaining tears from my eyes. Looking up at him I saw his radiant grin and I hoped i mirrored at least a fraction of it. As we stared at each other I saw his appearance shift slightly, just barely in the eyes. While I wondered what he was thinking I saw his cheeks redden.

' _Again!'_

It was the second time I saw Oikawa Tooru blush.

"You have good timing."

Apparently whatever he was feeling or thinking wasn't enough to leave him unbalanced.

"Do I?"

"Mhm. The cafe is just around the corner."

He promptly took my hand that I realized had not left his arm and pulled me behind him without a single hesitation. The situation in my chest was much worse than it had been on the run. Not only had my lungs stopped working, but my heart as well. I could do nothing but stare down at our hands and feel the utter warmth and contentment that cloaked me.

The feeling was cut abruptly short when we reached the door to the cafe. He casually let go of my hand and opened the door for me and, blessedly my feet took me forward even as my brain was still catching up. ' _When did we get here?'_ The clerk behind the counter waved a greeting and Oikawa held up two fingers, receiving a nod in return. Still in recovery I was unable to edit the words in my head before I spoke.

"You sure come here often, don't you?"

I bit my lip and looked up at him but he just grinned at me.

"Of course I do."

He led me to a table near the the only window in the shop. We were lucky to come so early; the view at the table was beautiful in the pink-golden light of the early morning. I stared outside for a time before coming back to the present where sounds of Oikawa placing our order on the table chastised me.

"You shouldn't have let me immerse myself in my own thoughts! Why did you pay for mine?"

Everything he was doing made me warm with embarrassment when all I wanted to do was cool off. My cheeks were probably ruddy and my hair matted with sweat and oil. I didn't want to think about it too much, all I could do was be grateful that the milk tea he'd ordered was cold.

"Don't mind it. You can think of it as a gift for inviting me along this morning."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Inviting you for a run constitutes gift giving?"

"Well, yes. It's the first time you've asked me to hang out without the others."

His honesty was bewildering and difficult to believe but it still filled my chest with those same, happy flowers I experienced earlier.

"You're weird."

"Sure I am."

We sat in silence then, looking out the window and enjoying our tea and toast. It was amazing how quickly my nerves came and went when I was with him. He brought out a lot in me that I was amazed at like my own honesty. Sliding my gaze over I took in his profile and thought further about what I wanted from our friendship.

I liked him and I wasn't sure if he liked me, that much I had already worked through, but what would happen if he didn't share the same feelings? Or, possibly worse, if he did? How would I navigate _that_ sort of relationship without anything draw from? I hadn't prepared myself for anything farther than attempting to strengthen our friendship.

Oikawa looked at me.

"Are you ready?"

I blinked a few times, my brow furrowed in question. Looking down I realized the tea was gone, as was the toast. I had been twisting a napkin as I thought and, looking at it's state of decomposition, I had been thinking for a while. I let out a nervous giggle.

"Uh, yes. Yes, I'm ready."

We gathered our trash and left the cafe. The sky opened up even more, blues and whites of the sky overtaking the warmth of the sunrise. I didn't bother to put my headphones back in as we began our journey back.

"Oikawa-kun." I tapped his arm twice.

We were both panting as we came to a stop. Instead of going back the way we came we had taken a loop to increase the distance, a choice that I was regretting. The man next to me breathed heavily through his nose, his lips in a thin line and I knew we had gone to far for his knee.

"Your knee-"

"It's fine."

"No, it's not."

He was looking down at me angrily but I was unconcerned with how he felt at that moment. I'd seen my brothers try to push their way past injuries of their own. Luckily, my parents had been on them constantly to monitor them for overexertion. He was going to ruin his career if he didn't learn a little patience.

"This is your neighborhood, right?"

The subject change caught him off-guard and his anger lifted.

"Yeah."

"Let's go to that tree, the one we stopped at last time. I'd like to see it again."

"The cherry blossoms have all gone."

"That's okay."

My reasoning had nothing to do with the tree and everything to do with Oikawa taking a break. His brow arched, possibly wondering what I was hiding, but he consented anyway, leading me through the streets.

I saw the tree as we rounded a corner and, though he had been right about the blossoms, I recognized it all the same. It had been the place I had broken my vow to avoid Oikawa at all costs. I couldn't help but grin. ' _And look at you now.'_

Slowing to a stop I mustered the same authority I had the last time we were there together.

"Sit."

I could see the intrigue on his face through the discomfort, or pain, he was feeling. He sat in the same spot he had before and I kneeled down next to him. My hands went for his knee brace.

"You don't have to-"

His hands reached for mine but I was already pulling the brace down as I had before.

"And yet I am." I replied.

I set the brace aside and lifted his leg onto the bench before lying down next to him under the shade of the tree. It was comforting to call the action familiar. Oikawa let out a sigh before leaning back to meet the ground. Our arms touched and I felt the flowers blooming. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment. It seemed an odd picture, juxtaposed with my past. The last time was alone and on my back with a member of the opposite sex had been terrifying, humiliating.

The sound of movement in the grass caught my attention and I turned to him. The way he was looking at me was so wholly different than anyone had ever given me and I felt nothing but tranquility in that moment. He moved again, his forearm flush with mine.

"Can I hold your hand?"

I couldn't tell if the sound I heard then was my own happy sigh or the breeze that tickled my skin.

"You didn't ask before."

For the third time I saw his face flush and I finally let myself believe that I was the one responsible. His hand covered mine slowly, giving me time to turn my palm to his and as our fingers laced together I felt a shift in my whole world. Emotionally, there was no going back. My entire life would be forever changed by that moment. The moment I decided to trust someone with my feelings. And it felt good.

* * *

A/N:

This whole story was sort of validated for me even more recently. I have been boosted by the comments and favorite and follows, it keeps me going (for real) but seeing the portrayal of things that I have written about in the show 13 Reasons Why has been oddly comforting. I never read the book, didn't even know it was one, but watching the show was almost addicting.

As a survivor of sexual assault in many forms I was warned to be careful or even to avoid watching the show. Ultimately, only you can make those decisions for yourself and I chose to watch it. It was absolutely terribly good because how can what they're talking about _not_ be terrible but the fact that it's being shown for the horror that it is is **good**. I think, as I've said before, that the only way to show people that you've been through, what many people have been through, is to make it so real it's uncomfortable. Talking about it should never be easy. It should always, always be one of the hardest things to talk about.

Having prepared myself beforehand and generally being in a better state of mind nowadays I was able to watch the show without giving me too many flashbacks. But I was prepared for those. Just as anyone with a similar history would have to be prepared to do when listening to another person share their story. I don't think that's a detriment. Every time you talk about it, it loses it's power just a little bit more.

It will always be there. It will never leave. You will see it in the way you act, think, see, feel. But eventually, it won't have power over you. Some people may not get how that can work; something that stays with you but doesn't control you. It's about the response to the trauma. If I remain fearful of revictimization I risk any young person I interact with to become a victim themselves. I can be conscious about my 'triggers' and do my best to react how **I** want to, and now how my trauma wants me to.

Anyway, I've ranted too long. It's too late for this. More good stuff to come in the next chapters...before I take it all away! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: ERMAGAH I totally messed up the timeline. So, I'm going back to correct it in previous chaps but for current readers here is where I messed up:

I said the date the girls threatened Himari was May 30th when it should have been May 24th. That makes Himari and Tooru's date hangout May 27th and the next Sunday, June 3rd is the second day of the interhigh prelims.  
This chapter is a continuation of the last one that takes place on May 27th.

ALSO, if you'd like to know the reason behind the significant delay of this chapter other than the difficulty of writing dialogue you can read the note below.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 16

The Longing's the Same

"Hows your knee?"

We had been lying under the shade of the large tree for an unknown amount of time and, though I revelled in what appeared to be a mutual expression of our feelings for each other, I began to feel uncomfortable. Was he still holding my hand because I hadn't let go or was he really content to lie down with our fingers intertwined? Was he holding my hand because he thought that's what I wanted? How was anyone sure in a situation like that?

So, from the turmoil of my mind came the same question that broke the tranquility of the moment.

"It's fine."

His response was soft and low like a person surrendering to the enticing lull of sleep. I turned to him and found that his eyes were closed. Biting my lip did not prevent the giddy smile that spread across my face and to my mortification in the same moment his eyelids fluttered open. His eyes focused on me. I could see them begin at my own eyes, effectively paralyzing me with their intensity. They trailed downward and lit upon my silly grin. I felt the warmth in my cheeks and upon my blush his expression mirrored mine.

On no particular cue we sat up together. ' _I don't want to let go of his hand._ ' I immediately looked down at our interlocked fingers for the first time and my heart beat rapidly at the sight. His skin was a shade darker than mine allowing me to follow the outline of his hand against mine perfectly. I could see the tendons, the knuckles, the smooth turns as his fingers curled downward and was once again struck with how unbelievably unfair it was that even his _hands_ should be attractive.

Suddenly, the hand was gone.

When I looked up I saw Oikawa shimmying the brace back up his leg. He stood, righted his clothes and brushed the stubborn grass from himself while I focused on settling the dull ache that still hadn't left my chest from before. The hand that Oikawa had freed drifted toward the spot.

"Naka-chan?"

My body froze all movement and I stared up at him. His arm was stretching toward me, hand open and waiting. For one glorious moment I indulged in the gesture and how our relationship had changed so quickly. He pulled me up and linked our fingers again, making a vague gesture with his free hand down the street.

"Would you like to come to my house?"

Panic.

Panic flooded through me. From my fear of men, of going to an unfamiliar place with a man, of how a large part of me really _wanted_ to go, from what he meant by asking me, from the fear of what to even do if I went. What did normal people do when they went to the house of the person they liked? I felt sick and weak but an unprecedented steadiness began to ground me. The hand in mine had increased its pressure ever so slightly, just enough to keep me from passing the point of no return, and just in time. I hadn't thought to bring my anxiety medication.

My sight refocused and I could see an assuring, calming smile.

"My brother and nephew are visiting this morning and he's been asking questions about you."

"What?"

Everything about what he said was confusing. I hadn't even known he had any siblings, let alone nieces or nephews. My main focus though was that somehow his nephew knew about me.

"My nephew," he tugged at my hand and we began to walk as he explained, "He's very interested in you."

"Why would he be?"

"Because I've, uh, mentioned you once or twice."

Sharp gratification struck me hard and knocked me fully back into the present.

"Just once or twice?" Implication was think in my voice.

"My life is very full Naka-chan, I don't spend _all_ my time talking about you."

"But you do spend time talking about me."

"Of course I do. "

Whether his intention or not, his words quieted me. I tried to imagine what he could possibly say to his family about me other than my role as janitor for the gym he practices in. I couldn't. Every description of myself was so lacking in comparison to the person Oikawa was that it would be pitiful to even try. But his hand was still in mine.

Before I could look at him again and admire his profile for the umpteenth time that day Oikawa slowed considerably. He stepped in front of me so we could face each other.

"There's a lot I don't know about you, but that's okay. If you're not comfortable going to my house I'm not going to ignore that."

My breath was pushed out of my lungs with a surprised hiccup. I'd become more comfortable with him than I'd realized, forgetting just how sophisticated his observational skills were. Instinctively my hand attempted to withdraw from his but his hand followed mine, never holding tighter, never pulling me back. He simply followed until my hand had unwittingly pulled him a hairsbreadth away.

Without hesitation Oikawa's arms moved. I felt him pull our hands to his chest, pressing my palm to the fabric of his shirt. His other arm wrapped around me and held tight but didn't pull me closer. I thought I would feel trapped, forced into submission, but the feeling of serene calm emanating from him transferred to me.

"Whatever you're thinking you can always tell me. I want to listen."

' _Oh my…_ '

The words pierced straight through the coils of protective detachment that I'd erected around my heart. They gave such comfort that, had my instincts taken over, I would have fled in fear. It was more foreign to me than English. Perhaps it was because he didn't know about my past that my anxieties were alleviated.

For some reason his concern for me felt more meaningful than the concern of my family and close friends. He wasn't worried because of my past, he simply cared about me; the person I was in the present. I wasn't a victim to him, I was just me.

A smile broke on my face and I relaxed into his embrace. The cotton felt soft on my cheek and I closed my eyes as I responded.

"Thank you."

It felt weak compared to the words he spoke and the feeling they forged within me but I hoped he could hear my gratitude.

"Tooru!"

He was called loudly, the name drawn out, and we sprung apart in alarm. We turned to look toward the voice and found a young boy. I was unsure of his age but he couldn't have been more than a first year middle school student. He stood on the stoop of the house we had stopped in front of, leaving the door wide open, his face full of childish entitlement. It was clear he wanted attention. I looked between him and Oikawa.

When the surprise faded Oikawa scowled petulantly, a expression perfectly complementing that of the child.

"Don't be so rude Takeru! Can't you see we're having a moment?"

The initial shock faded and a blush covered me from neck to forehead. The boy seemed unperturbed at Oikawa's chastisement.

"Dad said you would be home _ages_ ago. I've been waiting to practice."

His voice carried the weight of an older kid. ' _Probably from dealing with Oikawa so much._ ' I noticed Oikawa's expression change.

"How long have you been waiting?"

"I guess not too long. I'm not so irritated anymore. By the way, I'm Oikawa Takeru."

He addressed me with a watered down copy of the look I knew Oikawa had when he was assessing a person for the first time. It was difficult to hold back a smile.

"My name is Nakahara Himari. Pleased to meet you, Oikawa-kun."

His face scrunched up.

"That's weird. That's what you call him right?" He jabbed a finger toward Oikawa. "Call me something else."

His demand irked me in an entertaining sort of way.

"Do you have a nickname?"

"Not really." His head shook resolutely.

I thought for a moment and smiled brightly.

"Alright. Then I'll give you one. I'll call you Takekawa!"

I received precisely the reaction I wanted when Oikawa burst out laughing and Takeru blushed, averting his gaze. He mumbled some sort of assent and retreated indoors, shutting the door quietly behind him.

"That was so mean Naka-chan."

"What? How was that mean? Should I apologize to him?"

I looked up at Oikawa and saw the signature pout on his face.

"Not to _him_ , to _me_! I've known you much longer and you still haven't called me any sort of nickname."

It was my turn to laugh then. It was a mystery as to why his childish mannerisms endeared him to me so.

"That's because I'm thinking up a really good one."

The joke was meant to placate and, though he knew that, he still seemed excited by the idea of being called something new. We stood in comfortable silence and I was beginning to think that it was something that would happen often.

"So, do you want to come inside?"

The universe must have decided that my breath hadn't been taken away quite enough by the man in front of me because the look on his face did so once again. I'd never seen him so uncertain. The slight knit to his eyebrows and quiet question were enough to make anyone want to say 'yes' but it was his eyes that could make hearts break. They were alive with unedited emotion; uncertainty, discomfort in his unmasking, and innocent enthusiasm.

I answered honestly.

"Yes."

The reward of his smile and all its emanating brilliance was confirmation that I'd made the best choice.

* * *

Oikawa stepped alone into the kitchen. Like a good host he had offered to get Naka-chan a beverage. He could hear her still, her bright voice interacting with his brother and nephew. He pulled out several options, unsure of what she'd like and turned to head back. At the doorway, he could more clearly hear their voices and he couldn't help but stop, his curiosity besting him.

"…That's what Tooru says at volleyball practice."

He heard Takeru speaking matter-of-factly.

"Does he now? When does he help you practice?"

Naka-chan sounded like she was smiling. Oikawa smiled too.

"He helps all of us. On Monday's he comes to help coach at Lil Tykes Volleyball Class. Sometimes he comes other days if he's free."

There was silence then. Oikawa hoped she was still smiling; perhaps the way that softened her eyes. She smiled like that so rarely.

"That's something I did not know."

' _Her voice is so…lovely._ '

"And do you like when your uncle comes to coach you?"

Her tone made his chest tighten and swell all at once. He felt near bursting with his affection for her. How long had it been since someone had taken such a genuine interest in his life? Since someone had thought of him as just him?

"Yeah. But don't ever tell him that!"

He held a snicker. They continued talking and Oikawa realized that his brother had remained silent in his absence. He stepped into the room.

"Drinks for everyone! See how kind I am?"

Instead of rolling her eyes as she normally would, a mannerism he swore she adapted from Iwa-chan, she smiled. He averted his gaze to avoid blushing in front of his family and set the drinks down on the table. Takeru snatched up the bottle of green tea and walked away but stopped. After a moment of consideration, he turned to Naka-chan.

"Did you want the green tea?" He was blushing enough for himself and Oikawa.

"No, Takekawa, I'll have the milk tea."

She was already fairly affectionate toward him which pleased Oikawa immensely. He tossed the can of coffee to his brother who caught it without taking his eyes off Naka-chan. Protective, Oikawa was about to draw his attention.

"Oikawa-san, what do you think of your little brother helping to coach your son?"

He recognized the intent in her voice. It was the same when they had first met each other; challenging and slightly goading. She had not missed his unwavering gaze. His brother leaned forward.

"I was concerned, at first, because I wondered if his silliness would create a disorganized atmosphere."

His voice was flat as he spoke.

"And now?"

"Now I am no longer concerned."

As always, his brother hesitated in giving him praise. He appreciated that in some ways, the idea that he should always strive to be greater came from that hesitation. At the moment he felt a desire to hear his brother praise him unconditionally, just this once, in front of Naka-chan.

"Has anyone ever told you how similar you are to your brother?"

Had he not been just as surprised he could have enjoyed seeing the shock on his brothers face before he carefully collected himself.

"Not that I know of."

"Maybe not to your face, it's hard to miss. You're both very unwilling to admit any admirable traits in another. Your compliments sound like insults. I thought it was just because this one was emotionally stunted."

She reached out to tug the sleeve of Oikawa's shirt.

"Now, I see it must be a family trait."

It felt very surreal, the silence after her remarks. Eager light filtered in through the window, getting stronger as the sun rose. The dustmotes seemed to still in the beacon of light that split the room in two.

His conflicting feelings extended the moment, experiencing both the fearful awe of upsetting his older brother and the sweet ache of pride as Naka-chan held her own.

What felt like such a long time was cut abruptly by a bright peel of laughter. Takeru was grinning at his father when they all turned to him.

"She totally got you dad! Mom says that to you all the time!"

Naka smiled warmly at him, humor in her eyes. It took only a few seconds more for his father's expression to break under the pure happiness of his son.

"She does indeed."

And as the atmosphere in the room seemed a little lighter with the sound of their chuckles, Oikawa noticed his brother's posture relax just slightly. If he'd been appraising her he must have come to a promising decision, though it would have made no difference to Oikawa if the outcome had been different. Relaxing more himself he looked back to Naka-chan.

"I'm not quite sure, but I think I'm offended."

His voice held all the makings of hurt and offense with none of the emotion. She leaned over the pillow in her lap, secured between her arms, toward him.

"Don't you worry your pretty little head. Too much thinking will give you a headache."

He wouldn't smile. He _would not_.

"Ah, how could I feel insulted when you've finally admitted my marvelous good looks?"

"Looks fade. What will you have when you're old and wrinkled?"

"I'll die before I get wrinkles."

His words were matter-of-fact, his face in a slight pout.

"So dramatic. What do you think, Takekawa, could your uncle make a living doing theater?"

"I don't think anyone would want to work with him." His nose scrunched up as he spoke.

"Takeru! That's no way to talk of your amazing Uncle!"

Oikawa's objection was met with an over the top rolling of eyes around the room; one after the other like a chain reaction. There was nothing but bliss from then on. Conversation was carried mostly by three quarters of the room, his brother sitting out for the most part but that was nothing new. The delight came from the easy addition of Naka-chan to such a normal day for him. It was seamless. Natural.

He took a step deeper onto the path leading him closer and closer to the point of no return. Straight to her.

* * *

The Oikawa home was tastefully minimalistic and easy to navigate. I'd taken the opportunity when his older brother stepped out for a bit to relieve myself in the bathroom and, most importantly, assess my appearance. There were large sections of stray hair, stiff from the salt in my sweat. My face was still too flushed from the run leaving unflattering red spots all over.

Frantically, I took my hair down and leaned over, shaking my fingers through my hair to give it some volume. When I tossed my head back up I smoothed the more wild sections as best I could, then splashed cold water on my face to help my complexion. ' _Well, that was useless._ ' My efforts made barely any difference.

' _He still held your hand._ '

It was true. As I was, Oikawa still held hands with me all the way to his house. He introduced me to two important family members. I caught my reflection and saw a smile, raising my overall appearance up ever so slightly. It really did feel good to take this chance. To hope for the best and enjoy it while it lasted.

I slipped my house shoes back on as I left the bathroom, closing the door softly behind me when I noticed natural light peeking through the gap left by an open door. In the sliver I could see dozens of white lines painted on a swirling background of deep blues and purples with an occasional hint of brighter colors.

Without fully committing to the decision I opened the door a little wider, once again leaving my house shoes in the hall. The faraway image I saw was a poor comparison to the mural up close. I could see then that the mural was painted onto doors rather than just a wall.

It started in the front left corner of the room, winding up the paper doors and getting larger. It expanded on the ceiling for a few feet before fading back into the natural white of the rest of the room.I could see so many shades of just black, deepening here and transitioning to midnight blue there. Different tints of purple and blue swirled around what looked to be constellation's connected by those bright white lines. Splashes of turquoise and pink and orange curved throughout in a breathtaking artistic retelling of the known universe. It looked like a section of the room had been torn away to reveal the space outside our world.

I reached out to touch it.

"Excuse me, miss. Touching the art is strictly prohibited."

After a shout of surprise I laughed. My hand had recoiled like lightning, resting on my chest as I caught my breath. Oikawa leaned on the doorframe, arms crossed and face in mock reprimand. I could see the humor in his eyes.

"Is this your room?"

I was dazzled by the mural but as I asked the question I looked around the rest of the room. Compared to the mural it seemed very toned-down but I could see small touches that kept the aesthetic from being completely out of place.

On the same wall was his dresser, a sharp black color, and beside it was a lamp whose shade transitioned from deep blue to vibrant purple. There were quite a few bookshelves with cubed sections full of so many different books. A few cubes were left open to display items. A smaller version of the turquoise Seijoh banner had been folded tightly and arranged on a simple wooden book stand. In another cube there was a lamp in the shape of a sphere made to look like the moon.

A closer look at the books revealed many titles regarding space: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Cosmos, The Edge of Physics, The Accidental Universe, _CatStronauts_. Even his computer, which was in sleep mode, portrayed another image of the galaxy as if it was simply a mirror reflecting the other side of the room.

I turned back to him for his answer.

"Yeah, it's mine."

A rare show of uncertainty crossed his face as he saw me take in my surroundings.

"I bet starting and ending the day in this room is fantastic."

This time, when I turned around, I _did_ touch the mural. I could feel the bumps and ridges of the layers of paint.

"You're the first girl to comment on it."

"Many girls in your room, Kawa-kun?" I asked archly.

"No!"

His cheeks burned pink and I laughed again.

"In any case, it's a shame they didn't have better taste."

I trailed my index finger across the wall as I walked farther into the room.

"You've never mentioned you were interested in this stuff." There was a question in my voice but I was giving him an out by not asking directly.

"I'm interested in this stuff."

He sounded almost breathless and I turned back to him. He stood awkwardly, no longer leaning on the doorframe. His arms hung near his sides as if unsure of what to do. ' _Is he nervous? Is he worried about what I'll think?_ ' The thought warmed me while also forming a small ball of _something_ in my gut. I wanted to relieve his tension immediately.

"I'd like to hear about it sometime. I-"

I had begun to tell him about my love of the night sky when I realized it might seem odd with no context. But he had never pushed me for more than I could give when we spoke. He always put my comfort above his curiosity. I smiled.

"I've always felt at peace when I look out my window at night. My room fills with moonlight and everything turns shades of blue and silver. It's beautiful. I've never learned anything about the stars despite that, though."

It felt foolish as I said it outloud but regardless of my embarrassment Oikawa was smiling back at me. He walked past me and pulled a book of the shelf and handed it to me.

"Cosmos." It was the cover of a book I'd just seen.

"'We are star stuff which has taken destiny into its own hands.' A quote from the book. After you read this, if you want, I can show you some of the constellations I know."

Oikawa's face was full of delight. It felt like I had just broached some sort of inner circle surrounding him that no one had been able to, or wanted to, step into before. Looking at his reaction I had the sad feeling that it was the latter.

"I would really like that."

He was too close. The book in my hands was just an inch away from his chest. My head was tilted back so I could meet his eyes and suddenly it felt too hot. Looking into his eyes for so long in such close proximity made me dizzy. I stepped away.

"I can see where Hajikun got his ammunition for his 'abduction' joke."

My words succeeded in deflating the atmosphere.

"You're never going to forget that, are you?" His whine made me laugh.

"Where is that infamous alien shirt anyway?" I walked to the dresser. "Hidden away to avoid further embarrassment?"

"Yes, if you must know!" His indignancy was stupidly charming.

I was about to respond, enjoying the return of our usual banter after so many awkward moments when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out of my armband and saw the timer I'd set to remind me about the meeting that afternoon. I sighed.

"I've got to go." I held the book close to my chest as I sent him an apologetic glance.

I led myself into the hallway and back to the sitting room where Takeru was lounging. He looked like he was reading a volleyball magazine; lying flat on his back with the book held at arm's length above him. ' _So cute!_ ' His presence had me melancholy. ' _I was once as innocent as him._ '

"Takekawa! I'm leaving." My sudden voice shook him.

"Hey, lady, you can't just go around scaring young kids!" He stuck his tongue out in a very Oikawa-like fashion and I couldn't stop the giggle.

The both saw me to the door and, though Oikawa offered to walk me home I was adamant that he stay with Takeru. I pulled the young boy into a hug leaving his face bright red. His mumbled goodbye was lost on my ears and he ran back into the sitting room. Oikawa's laughter was the loudest it had been that day. He opened the door for me and rested his forearm against it, his lean form resting casually. I felt dizzy again and I turned to leave.

Quickly, before I lost my nerve, I turned back and threw my arms around his waist, hugging him as well.

"I want to see that alien shirt."

I departed before he responded walking faster than usual. My hand was covering my mouth which was open to accommodate the giddy scream that stuck in my throat.

* * *

"So, how was your _date_?"

I rolled my eyes.

"It wasn't a _date_ Hajikun. We just went for a run." He made a noise of disbelief, the equivalent of an eye roll.

"Right. Well, how was it?"

I took the time to look at him. We were walking side by side toward the meeting room and those were the first words he'd spoken on the ride over. His body faced straight ahead but I could see his eyes flicker toward me, turning away when I'd caught him looking. He looked tense; skin somehow tighter over his features showing the strain he was feeling underneath. It had never occurred to me that he would be so concerned. I grabbed his elbow and he stopped immediately.

"Hajikun, tell me what's wrong."

It was slightly tiring, all of the conflicting emotions that had erupted after my decision to follow through with what I wanted. The emotions within me, Aoi, Hajikun, Oikawa. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted my friends to be happy. But reality was always more complicated than simple human ideals.

Hajime looked at me hard.

"You chose Oikawa."

"What?" I was bewildered by his statement.

"After everything you've been through you chose Oikawa. You're smart and observant. You know his track record."

"Rumors are always inflated."

"Not by much."

I looked away. ' _Why are you trying to hurt me?_ ' I knew that wasn't his intent, but I still felt it. Of course I knew his 'track record' but I also knew that people weren't the sum of their history. Everyone went through changes, no one was ever the way they were the day before. He put a hand on my shoulder.

"I met you when you were still...hurting yourself. Being with Oikawa, let's just say it's a roller coaster that I don't want you to be on unless I know you can get off safely."

"Oh."

I felt like I'd returned to the earth after my morning of flying. His words tethered me, sobered me. It was true that I'd yet to put much thought into the future and that decision had been purposeful. I didn't want to worry myself out of my happiness. But maybe there were a few things to consider as I moved forward. For instance…

"Are you going to tell him?"

I was stunned, though I should have expected him to think along the same lines.

"Maybe."

"Maybe? Seriously, Mari?"

"I don't even know where this _thing_ with Oikawa is going to go!" I threw up my hands, exasperated. "I'm not going to tell him unless I think it's going to be serious."

"It's already serious for you. I've never seen you like this."

It was true. I was already heavily invested in my feelings for Oikawa without expecting the same level of reciprocation.

"Maybe it is, but I've been thinking about this for weeks. I've had the time to look at everything. I may not know what I'm doing, but I _know what I'm doing_."

Relief hit me when he softened his features.

"You don't make sense. But I think I know what you mean." He reached out to ruffle my hair.

"Hey, HEY!"

The voice calling out to us might have been the speeding winds of a hurricane with the force it hit me with.

"Koutarou! And Keiji!" I ran to meet them.

"See how loved I am everywhere I go?" Koutarou shouted at no one in particular.

"I see how other people have inflated your ego."

I hugged both of them tightly, happy to see them both together. Koutarou looked good. There were no traces of the person I'd seen the previous month. He was again hand in hand with Keiji who looked relatively happy even when he sent sarcastic remarks to his partner.

"You look much better. I'm glad to see you _both_ here."

"I just realized I'd rather have Keiji here than keep secrets from him." Keiji blushed.

"So, what brings you back so soon? You can wait to tell the group if you want."

"No, no, no! I want to tell you! My results last month were actually pretty great! We're just going to have to be back for monthly checkups until August."

"Oh! What a relief!" I squealed and hugged them all over again.

Koutarou leaned toward me and whispered.

"Last month I asked the doctor about," he wiggled his eyebrows, " _bedroom stuff_! He said it was totally fine as long as I was safe! I'm hoping he can convince Keiji."

There was no reality in which Koutarou, even at a whisper, could be any quieter than an alarm clock. Keiji flushed red and jerked his boyfriend toward the meeting room muttering something under his breath about 'not anyone's business,' and 'can't believe I like you'. I laughed with Hajime by my side.

' _Does he feel it now? Does he see why I have to follow my feelings for Oikawa?_ ' I didn't want him to worry but I knew that wouldn't be possible. I could only hope to think of some way to make him more at ease. I could say time and time again that I would be okay, no matter the outcome, but it wouldn't count for anything. I was out of my depth, but everyone was when they experienced new things. I needed to experience this, I wanted to. With Oikawa.

"Do you think so little of him that you think he'll hurt me?"

Hajikun turned to me quickly with surprise.

"No-"

"You're being too protective. You know him, you know me. Do you trust us?"

It looked like the words I used hurt him and I was not so confident in myself that I didn't feel guilt. I just wanted him to relax, to breathe lightly and continue as we had. It didn't mean we would ignore any signs of conflict or danger. But we had deep connections with each other, enough that we could carry each other through any hardship.

"Of course I do."

He put his hand on top of my head and gestured toward the meeting room, leading us both there with, I'd hoped, some peace of mind.

* * *

A/N:

Fun fact: 'giddy' means 'to be excited to the point of disorientation'

I've spent many days in the past few weeks in a dissociative state. It's scariest when I can feel it starting when I'm driving. I've learned tricks to keep myself present. They don't always work, in fact most of the time they fail

On writing this I have just experienced a particularly difficult episode of depersonalization. As I wrote for Naka-chan, it always starts in my hands. They tingle, deep, deep in the bones, and start to feel like they want to move in their own. Then my forearms.

Then, my vision gets weird. I can see things normally, sort of. I know that the window in my bedroom is there, unmoving, but my brain keeps trying to tell me it's swaying back and forth. Part of me is seeing reality and part of me is telling me something different. It makes me dizzy and nauseous. It's all hazy, like I'm separated from everything else, even the bed I lay on.

I had to grab something. When I work with my hands it starts to go away, so I wrote this. I'm in no state to keep drawing like I was before this all started, nor can I delve into author-mode. I can't focus that much yet. I just need to do this to get some sleep. When I'm sleep deprived it happens more often. Mostly I dissociate, sometimes I depersonalize. Depersonalization is worse for me. I hate it. It feels wrong to my core.

Anyway. I just took my first deep, calming breath in a while and I think now I can let my muscles relax. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep quickly before anything else happens.

Life like this is sometimes very hard. It's hard to find things that matter enough to keep you from going completely crazy. But I feel like, even if you don't have things to keep you grounded, the search for those things can be like an adventure. Thinking of it like that gives me a little more drive.

I hope you all are well. Much love.

AND: Don't kill me but I really want to start a story with Kuroo. I miss him and I love him almost as much as I love my Boikawa. I wouldn't stop this story. But I do want to know if anyone wants another angsty story with even more humor because, well, Kuroo :D


	17. Chapter 17

A/N:  
OIKAY. Wow. It's been so fricken long. I've had quite a month and since I'm so transparent with everything in my life with the readers of this fic I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why. I had a positive pregnancy test about a month ago but three days later I went to the ER with severe pain. They told me I was going to have what is called an 'inevitable miscarriage'. So, the day after I get that news I drive across like six states for a wedding. The entire week I'm worried that I'm gonna suddenly start bleeding all over everywhere but nothing happened. THEN! I tried to call my OB/GYN and they couldn't see me for weeks even though I told them what was going on, while my regular doctor doesn't have the capabilities to handle anything pregnancy related. My only two options were to go to the ER again and rack up thousands of dollars in medical bills (because wtf) or go to Planned Parenthood. I went to Planned Parenthood.

I was told that I was seven weeks pregnant which didn't add up because two weeks before that I was tested at around seven weeks. Sure sign that the pregnancy was not moving forward but my body wasn't getting with the program. I had to wait one more week to get in to see a doctor who would give me medicine to have what is called a 'medically assisted miscarriage' to force my body to do what it was supposed to. Cut to today where I'm finally feeling like myself physically and mentally and deciding that dammit, I need to post this chapter even though it's shorter than my others (by 200 or so words).

The advantage to doing nothing for two weeks is that I had a lot of time to figure out the next few chapters and how they're going to tie in to the BIG REVEAL! Thanks to you all who are reading and patient with me, and thanks to you guys who read the author's notes XD

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 17

I'm Screaming for Help

The low buzz of excitement next to me was distracting in the best way. It seemed Koutarou had undergone a deep change. There was a part of his body moving at all times: fingers, a leg, shifting his hand within Keiji's. I thought he had been boisterous before but the man I saw now was incomparable to any previous meetings. The complete ecstasy written on his face and in his actions was infectious. It seemed to settle throughout the room, giving the meeting an atmosphere never before felt.

I was usually attentive during our support group meetings, remembering each person and their story, listening to the advice of the counselor, but the energy emanating from Koutarou was too exuberant to focus. I found myself thinking more about him and his relationship with Keiji than myself.

"' _Last month I asked the doctor about bedroom stuff!_ '"

The words echoed inside of my brain, invading any other thought I attempted to use to distract myself. While during that moment I could only chuckle at his vain attempts at discretion, I now found it bewildering.

Koutarou and I had a similar history, although my attacker had been stopped during the act. My stomach lurched as I thought about living with the scar of the man finishing what he'd started. Glancing at Koutarou I saw nothing that could make anyone think he was once a victim. I knew better, of course, but it seemed like he was handling his past much better than I was.

He was now shouldering his trauma and the resulting medical fallout and yet he still brought such an aura of happiness wherever he went. I'd seen him vent his inner turmoil but I'd also see him live life, spitting in the face of his demons and relishing it. Even now, as he held on tightly to Keiji's hand, he was fighting his despair with his happiness.

The trick was how to let the happiness win.

I had, and would continue to forever, become livid when met with such dismissive phrases like, "Don't be so anxious," and "Just calm down," and "Why can't you just let yourself be happy?" It was such a simple, ignorant suggestion. As if you could just flip a switch and be better. It was never that easy.

What made it worse was that, while there was no such solution, there _was_ indeed a part of you that you _could_ indeed change. It was the willingness to let good things back into your life. If a survivor viewed the world through negativity their heart and soul could never truly heal. You had to open enough, just a small section, of your walls. You had to let the bad seep out to make room for the good. And that process was monumental.

Those simple suggestions would never get anywhere close to describing the struggle of 'letting yourself be happy'. When your mind worked against you it could take too many years to count to start trusting any part of it.

"' _Last month I asked the doctor about bedroom stuff!_ '"

It seemed like Koutarou had finally done it. He thought of intimacy with desire. He wanted to take that step because he was so deeply in love. I was sure there were insecurities and nagging fears that still plagued him, but he'd somehow taken control. He was the bright noon sun held aloft directly above a wildflower patch, brightness condensing the shadows to their smallest forms.

' _Will I ever feel like that? Will I ever want to write over my past with a new experience?_ '

I thought of Oikawa and how quickly my feelings for him were progressing. I had already surprised myself by wanting to be close to him, getting the sudden urge to reach out and touch him, to revel in holding his hand. In the pit of my stomach I felt a swirling mass of dread.

"Himari?"

I snapped to attention.

"Yes?" I watched the counselors eyes narrow.

"How are you doing today?"

"I-I'm doing just fine."

"Would you like to tell us what has you so distracted?" His question came from pure concern. I knew I was free to deny him an answer.

"I'm not sure." I answered honestly.

He smiled at me. I saw the circle of fellows around me looking at me with understanding expressions.

"If you'd like to talk, we're all-"

"I like someone!" He paused. Koutarou bounced in his seat next to me.

"I see. And how do you feel about liking someone?"

It wasn't a difficult answer.

"Scared."

Hajikun shifted his seat closer to me.

"I'll bet. What are you afraid of?"

I bit my lip and turned my eyes away from him. They met with Hajime and His hand came to rest on my shoulder.

"Everything. But also, nothing?" My words were met with a caring smile.

"Would you explain that?"

"Uhm. Well, when I realized what was happening, that I liked someone, I tried to avoid them. I felt like there was no part of me that would be worthy, because I'm...well, I'm me. I'm tainted. I was a glass of clear water before and now, after a few drops of black paint, I'm gray and murky. Like when you've erased too much and there's graphite just stuck to it and you go to erase something else but it just spreads all the previous stuff around.

"And then, something happened at school and I felt even worse. There were words spoken that validated those bad feelings and I was so desperate not to feel them. The day got so bad that I had to leave school. I don't know how- really, it's all foggy to me, I don't know how I managed to keep myself afloat.

"But, when I was alone I realized that I had the tools to help myself. I have knowledge about what I'm going through and because of that knowledge I'm in a better place than I would be without it. Still, I've only been thinking short term. I've been living my new emotions in a vacuum. I haven't thought about where they will lead or...or what they will lead to."

I hadn't really been seeing as I spoke. My gaze was cast at my hands as my fingers tangled into my hair that I'd pulled out in front of me. If there were a quiz on the words I'd said I would have failed.

"Himari, you're absolutely right. You've gotten yourself to a good place. You're aware of how your body and mind react. That's good. What's important going forward is that you be up front with this person you're interested in.

"Your friends and family know your triggers and have adjusted their interactions with you accordingly. This person does not. You don't have to share everything, I know that's a very big step, but going into a situation completely unaware would be unfair to them, and in turn, to you."

I nodded mechanically. Yes. Oikawa would need to know at least _something_ if I wanted to continue seeing him. I felt Hajime's eyes on me. The counselor echoed his own words. I knew that was the fair thing to do. To give him an out if he wanted it, before anything got too serious. Rationally, it was the best choice of action. I opened my mouth to agree.

But pain ripped through me so quickly I had no time to register that I was sobbing until my head was pressed onto Hajikun's shoulder.

"I don't want to! I don't want him to know! I don't want him to see me that way, to look at me the way my parents do, the way my brothers do. I don't want him to know that I've had someone push themselves into me, or that I wished to die, or that I hurt myself because of it. I don't want him to see the burns!

"I don't want my past to make him feel bad for me. To make him hesitant to hold my hand or joke with me or flirt with me. If I see that look on his face I swear I'll-!"

The severity of my crying had choked me, suspending the words in my throat, making me light headed until I saw black spots. Until my lungs finally demanded air, wheezing in what it could passed the rawness in my throat. The still-sane voice in the back of my mind mused that I must be hurting Hajikun with how deep my fingers dug into him.

Another pair of arms had wrapped around me and I heard Koutarou's voice gently whispering in my ear. I couldn't understand the words but they were so soothing. I wished they knew, like Oikawa somehow had known, to brush their fingers through my hair. My shuddered breathing slowed and I could hear the din of the room as people left their seats. My fingers relaxed and I felt Hajikun's muscles relax slightly.

"I'm sorry." The words rasped out past my tired vocal chords.

"Shhh." I didn't know if it was Koutarou or Hajikun.

I opened my eyes to see our counselor crouched next to me, glasses off and looking so tired. It must have been difficult to keep a whole room of trauma survivors level headed with a group member breaking down. That itself could be a trigger for another person. It made me wonder how long I'd been there, one hand held tightly onto Hajukun's shoulder above my head, the other reaching across his body to grasp his arm.

"Himari, you are not your past. Your trauma does not define you anymore than a broken arm would. It may not feel like it because hurts from the inside take much longer to heal."

He was blurry so I blinked a few times. Koutarou was nodding vigorously until Keiji shook his head at him; a signal to tone it down but bookended by genuine fondness. The small gesture sent a wave of longing through me. I choked on another sob but the tears didn't return.

There was something dangerous in that longing. I had spent years cultivating a life I thought I could live with. A life where I held everyone but a handful at arm's length and called that happy. I saw the fleeting bliss in the romances around me; meant for each other one day and bitterly separated the next. It was always safer to observe rather than experience.

But Oikawa. He had planted the seed of desire in the part of me I'd left barren. I saw the lasting adoration between Koutarou and Keiji. Each instance took to the soil eagerly and blossomed so quickly that before I had even realized it I let myself take one step into that field and my heart wanted to run for miles.

I was on the precipice, itching to take that next step, but when I looked behind me I saw the black shadow of rot. Every patch of land touched by my shadow was sapped of color and life. I could see Oikawa waiting for me surrounded by flora leaning toward the light he emitted.

"Himari?"

The vision faded and reality took its place. I saw the expression in the four faces surrounding me and mild horror crept up my back.

"I don't need to go anywhere."

They all looked guilty. I knew what they'd been thinking and I questioned how long I'd been unresponsive for the thought to even cross their minds.

I'd seen people taken to the hospital before when those around them thought they wouldn't be safe at home. That their state of mind was so altered they might hurt someone. Hurt themselves. I wasn't like that, but then, they had all said that too.

" _Hajime, please._ " I pushed the word past the thickness in my throat. " _Anything but that._ "

Hajikun's expression changed, fast as lightning. He looked like he was in so much pain, gaze shifting between myself and the counselor looking for an answer. Koutarou's eyes were wide as saucers and for once Keiji's face held something more than impassivity. The urge to flee rose within me like the rising tide until I was sure there was no beach to stand on.

My muscles were taut with stress. ' _They're going to do it. They're going to put me in the psych hospital. It'll start out as a three-day stay and then they'll see just how crazy I am._ ' I was reeling. Every bit of progress I thought I'd made hurtled so far in front of me it was farther out of reach than before. ' _One step forward two steps back._ '

I didn't realize my breathing had rapidly increased until my vision started to dim but I couldn't slow down. If I were a car it would be the equivalent of someone putting a brick down on the accelerator when the gas tank was near empty. The more I breathed the more nauseous I felt and the more nauseous I felt the more panicked I got. The ringing in my ears was the last signal, the last sure sign I had, before I finally fainted.

* * *

I awoke with a headache, sharp and dull simultaneously. The blood was still pounding through my head and the pressure behind my eyes when I opened them was too much so I kept them closed as I sat up. Trying to get my bearings I felt around me. Soft sheets were draped over me. " _I'm on a bed._ " My hands searched for the hidden scorch mark from a distant bout of self harm but it wasn't there.

Soft knocking shook me to attention and I opened my eyes wide reflexively. Though I winced almost immediately I could still make out where I was. I'd been to the Iwaizumi household enough to know the room surrounding me was that of his sister, Sakiko. More at ease I attempted to call out to my visitor my my throat was too raw for anyone to hear.

Hajime stepped in anyway.

He looked haggard walking toward me with a small plate with an apple and a slice of bread.

"I didn't know if you would be awake."

He sat down in a chair next to the bed and I saw a glass of water closeby. I gulped it greedily, feeling the room temperature liquid ease the pain in my throat as if it had been a fresh glass. I didn't stop until I felt I could manage to rasp out a response.

"What happened?"

Now that he was closer I could see redness in his eyes that caused a stinging in my own. His mouth was set in the usual way, strong and capable, but when he spoke I felt my heart nearly break.

"You fainted at the meeting but, not quite all the way." He looked away. "You were still crying."

' _He sounds so sad_.'

"When we tried to wake you up the crying became more intense. After a few phone calls we decided to bring you here since you carpooled with me and the house is a little closer. Koutarou carried you on his back to my car and he and Keiji stayed with us until they had to leave for their train.

"After a while you began to get more hysterical, almost screaming, but I still couldn't wake you up. It was like you didn't want to wake up."

Fully distracted from the pulsing in my head my eyes stretched wide. It was no wonder he looked so tired, sounded so sad. I couldn't imagine how helpless I would feel were the situation reversed. When I reached out to grab his hand he didn't hesitate to hold on tightly. Turning his gaze to me I could see how much damage I had inflicted while unconscious.

"I'm so sorry Hajikun."

Through the raspiness I could hear my own voice shaking. His thumb rubbed over my knuckles.

"Don't be. I just wish you had reached out to someone about how you were feeling. Reached out to me."

It felt like adding salt on a wound but I couldn't blame his feelings of betrayal. It was as my father said, the cycle was coming around after I had kept my thoughts in for so long. Putting me in a hospital no longer felt like something I could fault anyone for because the next stop in the circle was self harm.

There was a dotted line leading away from the circle, however, that not everyone reached. It separated them from the world and made them feel alone; alone enough to leave everyone behind. It was the reason times like these were particularly difficult for Hajime. He had tried to talk to her, his sister, but she never said a thing. Maybe he was wondering if she too curled up in her bed, crying throughout her sleep.

"I'm so sorry." I said again, leaning forward to lean against his chest. "I'm such an idiot."

I mumbled through the fabric of his school shirt, happy to hear him laugh. ' _School shirt!_ ' I pushed away from him and took in his ensemble. He was definitely wearing the school uniform.

"Why are you in your school clothes?"

"Because it's Monday and we have to go to school."

"Monday?" The shrill word felt like shards of glass moving passed my throat but I couldn't contain my surprise. "It's Monday?"

"Yes. And nearly time to leave. You slept for quite a while."

"Quite a while, _quite a while_? I'd say that's an understatement! I don't even have my uniform or my school bag or-! I don't even have my toothbrush! I'll have to go home and hopefully my parents are home because I didn't even think about bringing a key yesterday and..."

I trailed off, realization only just dawning on me.

"Hajukun, do my parents know what happened yesterday?"

He sighed and pushed the forgotten plate of food toward me, his expression clearly indicating that he would only speak if I started eating. Ignoring the apple I picked apart the bread and popped a small piece in my mouth to appease him.

"Your parents know you passed out. They came by immediately and I told them you had been stressed out with the tutoring requests you got this week and were overwhelmed."

I raised my eyebrows in question. It was hard to believe they would buy such an excuse.

"I'm very believable."

I chuckled, finally feeling some relief since waking. If they did believe whatever words he gave them I was grateful. I had barely been able to avoid being committed by my friends and counselor the day before. Against my parents I would have had no chance.

When I finished the bread he pushed the apple toward me before speaking again.

"No one really wanted to try and wake you to bring you back home so they brought all the things you'll need."

He got up and pulled my school bag and an additional overnight bag from the far corner of the room and set it next to me. As he exited he murmured a quick estimate about how much time I had and shut the door quietly behind him.

I met Hajikun downstairs after I was ready. He was standing in the kitchen checking his class assignments for errors. ' _He must be bored waiting._ '

"You can stop pretending to be a model student." I teased.

"I've scored higher marks than you on exams." His grumbling pulled another laugh from me.

"Can I leave this bag here? I don't want to carry it around all day."

"Sure, you can pick it up after school. Just put it in my room."

I dashed up and down quickly, not wanting to delay our departure any longer, but I couldn't help but pause when Hajikun's eyes kept shifting away from mine. He stood tense by the door, ready to leave.

"Do you have something to say?" I asked as I slipped my own shoes on.

"No."

"You're acting like you do."

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No I'm-"

"Hajime!"

As entertaining as his childish refusal was I wasn't in the mood to let myself be kept in the dark. I knew he was thinking about something and I knew it involved me. Whatever thought he had I needed to know so that my brain didn't make up something in place of the truth. My thoughts were always worse than reality. Most times.

"I don't want to tell you."

' _Well. That's not what I expected._ '

"...Why?"

His eyes flickered to me and shifted away again.

"Because I don't want you to feel like you did yesterday."

' _Oh._ '

So it was about _that_. I hadn't probed the memory of the previous day very deeply for that precise reason. I was just as afraid of my reaction as he was. Thinking about it further I realized that the idea hadn't been very well calculated. Oikawa still existed and I would still see him and interact with him. If I didn't at least acknowledge the struggle I'd had I would be inviting in more self-destruction.

"You should tell me."

He didn't look at me.

"I'm serious, Hajikun, you should tell me. I can't promise that I won't be upset by what you say but I know that I shouldn't try to block out my fears."

If you made it easy for yourself to run from your fears you never moved forward. He and I both knew that. His shoulders sagged as if he'd been defeated and he finally turned toward me.

"You and Oikawa are my friends and I'm worried for both of you. I don't want you to hide something because you're afraid. I don't want Oikawa to hurt because he didn't know how to act around you, didn't know what to watch out for."

I nodded. It felt different coming from Hajikun than it had from the counselor. They had more or less given me the same advice but I no longer felt the creeping self-loathing that came around whenever I thought of revealing my past. I cared that, not only would it effect Oikawa and myself, but other people close to us. Maintaining the path I'd been taking would be selfish.

"I understand." I hugged his arm to show him that I was okay.

"Alright, let's go meet Oikawa before arrives so we don't have to explain what you're doing here."

* * *

The day was beautiful. The sky was beautiful. The clouds were beautiful. The cracks in the sidewalk were beautiful. Oikawa walked himself happily toward his friends house, nearly skipping. His weekend had been the best of the year so far. Well, maybe not the whole weekend, but definitely Sunday.

His muscles tightened in his midsection remembering her frenzied hug before she left. He had been unable to see her face when they separated but he spent the rest of the day imagining what he had looked like. It had been such a perfect moment that he didn't even mind when Takeru teased about how 'dopey' he looked when he came back inside. At least for a little while.

Happy as he was he had more determination than ever to get back into Iwa-chan's good graces. He didn't know how he would go about it. Usually, he just pestered him until Iwazumi was too tired to ignore him anymore. Of the two of them, his patience was greater. His ability to be annoying was as well.

So caught in his musings he almost didn't recognize the two figures walking toward him.

"Naka-chan?"

She was smiling brightly at him as she approached. Iwaizumi was next to her, same surly expression as usual. He grunted.

"No greeting for your lifetime friend? Why are you confused when I call you a crappy guy?"

Oikawa's eyes felt dry and he realized they were too wide. Eyelids shuttering rapidly he took in Iwa-chan's words and broke out into a grin. It was a relief to hear something so friendly after days of silence from him. Despite how salty it sounded, the greeting gave Oikawa the impression that his friend had finally worked through whatever it was he needed to.

"Awh, Iwa-chan, don't be like that!"

Oikawa moved to throw his arm around Iwaizumi, already prepared for him to dodge out of the way. He repositioned as Iwaizumi tried to escape, successfully finding purchase over his shoulders. Grinning wide Oikawa squeezed tightly before finally allowing Iwa-chan flee his hold.

When he turned his attention back to Himari his heart beat a little faster. She brought a hand up to hide her quiet laughter but her eyes shone with genuine happiness.

"You're pretty lively this morning. Normally you save the antics for lunch hour, when Hajikun has finally woken up fully."

She moved her hand as she spoke revealing an amused expression. He curved his mouth into his signature smirk.

"I'm in a good mood."

"Aren't you always?"

"I'm in an _exceptionally_ good mood."

"Well, this is an interesting development. What's got you so happy?"

"Am I going to have to listen to this often?"

Oikawa ignored Iwaizumi and continued. On no particular cue they had begun walking with Naka-chan in the center. He nudged her as he spoke next.

"I had a good weekend. I'll bet you did as well. Is that why you're here with Iwa-chan so early? Couldn't wait to see me?"

"You've found me out," I rolled my eyes dramatically, "I just couldn't wait the extra half hour before school to see you. I count down the seconds until our next meeting!"

It wasn't too far off. Our interactions coincided with times of day in which distinct changes happened. Before classes began, at lunch, class end, practice end. It was, I told myself, only natural to associate Oikawa with those times. There was nothing wrong with his face disrupting my thoughts within ten minutes of lunch. I chose not to think of the lapses in character I had experienced in which my brain would insert _his_ name into thoughts it shouldn't be. (i.e. ' _Oh, only thirty more minutes until Oikawa. No! No, only thirty more minutes until_ _ **practice**_ _. Practice, is what I meant…')_

"I'm going to ignore the sarcasm because your hand keeps brushing against mine. If you want to hold hands you can just do it!"

Before he finished his sentence he had interlocked his fingers between mine. I could feel the heat of embarrassment through my whole body and directed my gaze to the ground and away from the boys that bookended me.

"That's not- I didn't want- it's just because you were walking so close to me!"

Uncomfortably hot I tried to pull my hand away. In a manner much to smooth for me to bear Oikawa let my fingers slip from his only to adjust his grip. He had moved to hold my fingers in his, arching my wrist toward him and pulling them closer to him as he leaned slightly. His lips grazed my knuckles, so lightly, like a butterfly's wings brushing against skin as it took off.

"Okay, no hand holding today."

His lips moving against my hand froze any response my brain could have come up with. In an instant the touch was gone and Oikawa continued walking, leaving me mute and stunned. Hajikun's hand slapped my back lightly, bringing me back to the present in time to step in time with him as we followed Oikawa.

"So, he's always like that, isn't he?" I mused.

"I'm sure whatever you're referring to, you're right."

"I'm always right. But, I was talking about how he can change moods faster than I can change radio stations."

"Oh yeah. That's just the tip of the iceberg. If you see him as much as I do you'll start to get dizzy from trying to follow all of his emotions."

We both shared a small chuckle when Oikawa started humming loudly, signalling to us that he could hear us, and hear us _well_. For a while the silence of the morning was only marred by our footsteps on the ground and the unrecognizable tune coming from Oikawa. When the school was in sight Hajikun spoke once more.

"Am I going to have to experience this from now on?"

"Experience what?"

"You and Oikawa and hand holding or hugging or whatever people do when they like each other."

His cheeks were red as he asked the question, a reminder that under the prickly exterior of my good friend was the same soft and romantic interior as any leading man in a romantic movie. I noticed, too, that Oikawa's humming had stopped altogether.

"I'm sorry Hajikun, but I think there's a possibility that you will."

My eyes were on Oikawa's back—acceptable since Hajime definitely wouldn't be looking my direction—pleased to know that he could hear my reply. His shoulders sagged slightly, similar to someone releasing tension and while I could hear Hajikun grumble a response I focused on the loud happy tune Oikawa had begun whistling.


	18. Chapter 18

*knock knock*  
Anybody still there? *CACKLESLIKEACRAZYLADY*  
There are no excuses. I've just been lacking a muse. BAH. Maybe my depression got me, who knows. It's funny though that I'm updating instead of preparing for the hurricane that's supposed to hit my area tomorrow.  
In other exciting news, I'm finishing up some of my cute pokemon drawings so that I can post them on my newly created redbubble account. **Huzzah money**!

I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS. I'll try and treat you guys better going forward and not disappearing for over a month. Also, the next chapter is going to get CUH-RAZY

Disclaimer: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 18

Blame it on Me or Blame it on You

The activities of the weekend had greedily swallowed all of my attention and, now that the morning was well underway, I remembered the repercussions of receiving romantic attention from Oikawa. If the ladies of the school reacted so poorly to us being simple friends they were bound to go full nuclear if and when Oikawa flirted with me outright. I chewed my lip and tried to pay attention to the lesson. After a few minutes of barely successful note taking my phone buzzed lightly.

 **Oikawa-kun:** I forgot to pack my lunch :'(

 **Naka-chan 3:** Well I'm not sharing mine.

 **Oikawa-kun:** Rude!

 **Oikawa-kun:** Can we eat in the cafe? You guys can just bring your lunches there and be with me!

 **Naka-chan 3:** How about you buy your lunch and meet us in the classroom instead

 **Oikawa-kun:** Whaaaattt? Lunch will be half over by then. That would be terrible for you, I know how much you love spending time with me. ;P

I hid a smile at that. Although I had been having a hard time paying attention to begin with I didn't need sensei to see me blatantly staring at my phone. Even if the distraction if Oikawa's childish text messages was welcome.

I absolutely wanted to spend time with him. It felt similar to a moth to a flame. The moth flies through the dim blue night, guided by the dull moonlight, until a bright beacon beckons. Unwittingly, the unsuspecting moth flutters toward it, its flight path messy and disorganized. Closer it gets until its body can feel the blessed heat radiating outward. The light and the energy it puts out is addicting and the erratic flurry of flapping wings brings the fragile moth too close for comfort. Still, even with the very real danger of being swallowed whole, the moth knows its life, for the present time, is under the control of the flame. For the moth knows to follow the brightest light it can.

Oikawa was, without a doubt, a blinding presence in my life. A pure white flame burning just faintly blue at the center, bright enough to make beautiful anything in close proximity. The first outsider, blissfully ignorant to my past, I had willingly brought into my life. Though, I didn't know if that was by choice or if his magnetism tethered me to him from the very beginning.

Another buzz.

 **Oikawa-kun:** Nakaaaaaaa-chaaaaannnn

 **Naka-chan 3:** Fine. We can go get you food. Offer valid for today only so remember your lunch tomorrow.

 **Oikawa-kun:** YEAH! Okay, see you in a few

' _A few?_ ' He couldn't possibly mean minutes. I looked at the top of my phone to see that he was right. It never ceased to amaze me how I could look at my phone and look _directly_ at the top to read the time, only to forget the moment my eyes moved away.

Nerves buzzed anew realizing I was mere minutes from being out as Oikawa's romantic interest. I could imagine the dark auras of his loyal flock of fans as he ignored them to find me. Their eyes became red in my mind as they turned to look at me. I shivered, a small ball of lead rolled in my belly. There was nothing I wanted more than to avoid their attention.

' _Well, you're just lying to yourself.'_

The lead quivered to a stop. My lips twitched from both irritation and glee. There was possibly just _one_ thing that I wanted more than anonymity and, as usual, my subconscious smugly forced me to recognize it. To see the shock on everyone's face when Oikawa chose me. _Me._ Not the ladies leading the cheer squad at a match. Not one of the many students who offered him gifts regularly.

Me.

I was lucky that the signal to excuse ourselves to lunch chimed in time with my satisfied grin. If the instructor had seen me with such a manic look on my face while staring at my own lap I would definitely be assigned extra cleaning duty. No sane student should have a reason to look like that during a lesson.

Hajikun and I waited as usual for the other students to clear out before standing up to push desks together.

"We're going with Oikawa to the lunchroom." I said over the scrap of desk legs.

"Yeah, he practically shouted it at me."

I looked at him, confused.

"There were exclamation marks literally after every word. When he texts like that I can hear his loud whining inside my skull."

He rubbed his temples for full effect while I cackled. It was cut short as Aoi-chan flew into the room panting.

"Wow. I don't think I've ever seen you this winded before. What's the rush?" I smirked through my words but she didn't respond.

"Has it started yet?" Her pitch was too loud and Hajikun winced in unison with me.

"Has what started?"

' _She's excited. This can't be good.'_

"Oikawa's fans having a heart attack when they see you and him together!"

My cheeks lit fire. I shouldn't have told her as many details of our 'date' as I had. She made it sound like he was going to waltz passed them and profess his love for me.

"Your imagination is too much." I mumbled.

We had no time for further discussion. Oikawa had stepped into the Hall, evident by the immediate buzz of conversation. His figure came into view, much taller than the mob surrounding him, and he was smiling as usual. I raised a brow. Even if it was a facade the stamina it took to keep that up 90% of the day was impressive.

"Did you bring your lunch today, Oikawa-kun? You can always sit at our table in the lunchroom instead of cooped up in a classroom all the time!"

The voice of whoever it was grated on my eardrums. It was cloyingly sweet and high pitched, an attempt at leveling their choice above all the other clamoring. As I frowned I realized I wouldn't have bothered to make that observation if it hadn't been directed at Oikawa. How many times would my face flush after an obsessive thought about him?

"How did you know? You're so attentive, how lucky I am. Unfortunately, I've already got lunch plans, as usual. I'll wave to you if I see you in the lunchroom!"

He flashed a peace sign before wading through the crowd too the classroom door. So far the group he left behind looked no more perturbed than usual, lucky for me. They still glared at me of course but that was getting easier to ignore. Oikawa laid his bag on the desk touching mine.

"Ready to go?"

Hajikun grimaced at Oikawa's tone. So chipper. So excited. I could empathize with him. My friendship with Aoi was a similar introvert-extrovert relationship.

"You can go by yourself. You're a big boy." Hajikun growled, punctuating his statement with a loud _thud_ as he fell into his chair.

"What? But Mari-chan said we could go!" Oikawa began pouting and looked to me for help.

"Well I'm not Mari. I'll sit here and opt out of the field trip, thanks."

"What field trip?"

Aoi-chan skipped toward our clump of desks, slim fingers bringing her school bag from her shoulder to the seat with a thud. Her question was muffled, like I was under water and she spoke to me from above. ' _Did anyone else catch that?'_ I forced my eyes to return to focus, taking in the expression on Oikawa and Hajikun's faces. Yes, it seemed that they had both realized what Oikawa had said.

' _He called me by my given name!'_

All at once the realization devoured me. Every inch of skin felt set aflame by the idea of Oikawa thinking of me like that—calling me by my given name in his mind while I had just gotten comfortable giving him a more personal honorific. Quickly, my hands clapped against my face, hiding the blush and growing smile that I couldn't seem to control. I turned away and headed stiffly toward the door.

"Let's go, Kawa-kun."

' _Just...don't acknowledge it. Just act like everything's normal.'_

Oikawa's light, hurried footsteps followed behind me until they fell into their normal rhythm as he reached my side. His body shielded me from the light shining through the hallway windows and I looked up at him. Our eyes met for only half a second before I could no longer bear to continue looking.

It was a rarity, catching Oikawa in such a genuine expression. His face was still brushed light pink, the remnants of the blush that had collected after he spoke my name out loud. While that in and of itself would have been enough to constrict someone's lungs it was the look in his eyes that did me in. It made my chest feel like stone, rigid and unmoving except for the growing feeling that it would also burst.

He looked so nervous.

I spent so long watching him-every day for two and a half years- and had I been asked if 'nervousness' was among Oikawa's usual emotional repertoire I would have laughed the question away. But he _did_ get nervous. He _did_ and it was because of _me._ I don't think anyone would fault my urge to turn away from that face. After being a silent spectator in his life I was now a major player and, while it terrified me and caused much cowardice in moments such as these, I was mostly happy.

Oikawa-induced-happiness (what a majority of my happiness in recent days could be described as) would be a fantastic drug.

"How long have you known Hajikun?"

It was my question, a topic out of the blue, that helped ease our nervous tension. It had been something I'd thought about, for sure, but I suspected the reason it flew out of my mouth was to get back into our comfort zone.

"That's a good question." I could look at him again now that we were treading on safer ground. "I don't think I know the answer, not exactly. Ten years? More? The years run together after a while."

He paused at the door to the lunchroom and smiled down. The gesture he made, urging me to continue first, was becoming familiar.

"How long have you known Iwa-chan?"

' _Ah.'_

I hadn't thought through the conversation. It was an obvious follow-up, but I had been too focused on talking about anything that the idea of turning the question back never crossed my mind. He was still smiling as I looked at him. It was common, in our conversations, for him to be content. I thought it might have been due to the fact that he enjoyed being spoken to as a person rather than an idol.

' _I don't want to ruin this.'_ Moments between us were usually so easy, barring any occurrence that reminded me of the large part of my past I still kept hidden from him. I felt like I could be the me who didn't get stuck in the locker room alone years ago. I felt like the person I was supposed to be.

But, that meant I kept running from my past. I thought I had accepted it and moved forward but truly I had been waiting. Waiting for another life event that would force me to take stock of my emotions and actions and show me that what I was doing wasn't healthy. Hiding what happened from Oikawa in fear that he might change how he acted toward me was a gutless selfish act. Oikawa deserved to be given the opportunity to react without my assumptions transferred onto him.

"We met a few weeks before high school. At a support group meeting."

I spoke the words before I had decided fully to do so. Chancing a glance at him I saw a surprisingly benign reaction to what I thought was an obvious hint that I had been through a difficult trauma.

He had an eyebrow arched, slight surprise I assumed with possibly curiosity. On the whole though, his face remained unchanged with the new information I'd given. There was no cautiously apologetic cringe to his features, no open-mouthed shock, no pity. It was...confusing.

Even people who had gone through trauma themselves had similar reactions when I told them about my past. Every person in the support group had all worn the same semi-varied expression of a person suddenly uncomfortable and sorrowful for someone else. It had always bothered me, hurt me, because I felt like they would no longer see me as a Himari. After my story was told I became 'abuse-survivor-Himari' like some sort of morbid childrens doll.

I hadn't realized that that typical reaction had, in some ways, become a form of validation. It made me sick and honestly wondering how I could be so contradictory. The expression my family had when the looked at me haunted my waking hours and yet the first time I was graced with the response I yearned for I felt unsettling disappointment. It didn't feel like the look of someone understanding and yet respectful enough to treat me like the same person I had been. It felt dismissive.

' _But that's not fair!'_ Out of all the things he could have done in response to my words Oikawa had done, without a doubt, the most desireable thing. He acknowledged it just as he would have if I had said I moved thirty times in my life. Abuse- sexual abuse- was absolutely more shocking than moving a few dozen times, but it defined me in a similar way. Everybody has a history which shapes them into their current self. While mine was more traumatic than most, I didn't feel like I deserved pity or sorrow.

And yet, when I didn't get that I felt unrecognized.

' _Mark this down for the next therapy session.'_ My inner monologue-ist was always quick at attempting humor to deescalate a situation. It worked, in it's own way, by reminding me to focus on the present. Oikawa was still looking at me like he wanted to say something, perfect brow still arching upward. ' _Stay in the present.'_

"So that's close to three years. Huh."

He looked pensive as he retrieved his food.

"What?"

Nerves tightened my throat.

"I just think you've had a big impact on him since you met."

My imagination ran wild. In that moment I felt the whole room flood with air, swirling everything and everyone away leaving only Oikawa and myself and his words washing over me. I wondered what exactly my face looked like in that moment, in my euphoric gratitude toward him, that made him blush again.

"Naka-chan!"

We turned in unison toward the voice and saw Yahaba standing just a few meters away with a few of his other teammates. Oikawa scoffed.

"No greeting for your captain? You must really like running extra laps."

His voice was endearingly petulant as we walked closer to the group. I saw Watari, Kindaichi, and Kunimi stand up to greet us before resuming their lunch. Yahaba's face clouded as he muttered his response.

"You always greet her before everyone."

"It's good to see you outside of practice Naka-chan," Watari said between bites, "Why don't you join us!"

"Yeah!"

"Please, then Kindaichi can actually ask you the volleyball questions he's been too afraid to text you."

Kindaichi looked at Kunimi like he was a stranger taking the last takoyaki off of his plate and promptly turned beet red.

"Don't say it weird like that Kunimi!" He turned to me: "I just didn't want to bother you with minor questions."

He looked absolutely miserable which saved him from my laughter. I mustered a straight face so that he would take my sincere words as such.

"You don't have to worry about that. That's why I gave you my number to begin with." I hoped the fall of his shoulders meant that he had relaxed somewhat. "Actually, I was surprised! Not one single text message from any of the first or second years. I was beginning to think all that praise was a lie to get me to make more mochi."

"Did you make us more mochi?" Yahaba had recovered well enough from Oikawa's comment.

"No, I didn't. Maybe if you guys can manage to win this Saturday I'll surprise you with something."

I managed to keep my face coy though I wanted to groan. I always seemed to commit myself to the most time consuming and inconvenient tasks. For no reason other than to make a joke.

"' _If we can manage'?_ That's not even a challenge, that's just disrespect!" Oikawa's pout was aggressive. The other boys nodded their heads in fervent agreement.

"Alright, how about this then: if anyone on the team can successfully replicate the back attack like Hinata and I did in practice I will treat the whole team to a meal cooked by yours truly."

Mouths hung open. I could all but hear their thoughts, a slow crescendo building louder and louder until-

"Yeah!" The for boys jumped from their seats, shouting incoherently and sharing victorious high-fives.

Oikawa remained impressively impassive, overlooking the scene with the same look in his eyes as he had on the court. Maybe he was wondering the same thing I was: why on Earth was I inviting such a large group of unruly boys to my home? Or perhaps he was already thinking ahead and wondering who would be the most likely to succeed the challenge I'd given.

I wasn't given much longer to enjoy the moment. As the quartet settled down and the curious glances from other students shifted away a sharp push, a tray hitting my spine, sent me toppling on top of Kindaichi. My chest fell into his shoulder and my cheek smacked the top of his head. Unsurprisingly, his reflexes were fast enough to help steady me, one hand on my elbow and one on my waist, even as our bodies bruised each other.

Through the burning pain spreading across the right half of my face I felt the telltale flow of cold liquid on my back. The chill gave me goosebumps and I could tell by the increasing weight that my jacket and shirt were soaked enough to stick together.

A new pair of hands grabbed my shoulders and brought me to my full height. Oikawa was behind me with hard eyes and a straight set mouth. ' _He doesn't look very pleased.'_ Looking passed him I saw three girls, the shortest one with an almost believable look of apology on her face. The cruel smirk she gave me the previous week flashed over her mask, as if my mind were trying to rewrite the lie in her current expression.

"I can't apologize enough, Nakahara-chan! I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and you were just right in the middle of the path! Oh no! Now you've got coffee all over you!"

Her voice grated my eardrums, would probably continue to do so until some sympathetic force ushered her out of my life. I turned to face her, stepping to the side to get a better view around Oikawa. Stilled jarred from the impact I had none of my usual safeguards in place for thinking before I spoke.

"Oh gosh, no need to worry, it was a mistake after all. But now I feel bad! When we met last week in the bathroom I failed to ask your name!"

I had the pleasure of seeing her falter slightly before she replied.

"Ch-Chiaki Yubari." Her words held none of the previous warmth.

I was unaware of what was happening throughout the rest of the lunch room but in the little bubble we had created it felt quiet enough to hear a pin drop. I was sure now that anyone near is would feel the tension. For confirmation I looked to Oikawa who had left one hand on my shoulder even after I was upright and flinched.

His face was entirely blank as he looked at Chiaki and, more than changing out of my wet clothes, I wanted to know what was going through his head. My words were obvious enough to anyone involved that Chiaki and her friends were my tormentors from the previous Thursday. I knew he understood.

After a thousand scenarios ran through my head as to what his next actions would be he obliterated all of them by doing none of them. He turned to me in a seemingly calm manner but his expressionless face remained unchanged.

"Mari-chan, take my jacket."

Nimble fingers unfastened the buttons as he spoke. His shoulders dipped backward slightly and the jacket slid from him in a manner that had no right being attractive. My eyes traced the curve of muscle I could see even with his shirt covering them. Embarrassingly, my mouth was dry when he handed me his school coat. I held it carefully, like it would disintegrate from a false movement.

"But you'll get in trouble for not being in proper uniform." I mumbled half-heartedly, knowing it wouldn't change his mind but unable to help myself.

"It doesn't matter."

The smile he gave in response was so genuine I looked around, worried for his carefully crafted facade. Chiaki looked stunned and another enjoyable wave of satisfaction ran through me. I focused back on him.

"I'll get coffee on it."

"It doesn't matter."

My heart beat faster. He was being so sincere. No sarcastic remark about how he was going out of his way to help, or that he would have to find a suitable way for me to pay him back door his kindness. Truly, to him it did not matter.

I struggled to maintain control as my chest tightened and froze and tried to make my throat let out a squeal of delight. My jacket came off with a disgusting wet sound and I grimaced. Before I put in his jacket I grabbed stray napkins from the unusually quiet volleyball juniors and sopped up the mess as best as I could.

Shrugging on Oikawa's jacket made me chuckle. It was so hilariously big on me.

"Here, let me help you."

Oikawa's voice was closer than it had been. He stepped closer to be and began to roll the jacket sleeves into a stiff cuff above my fingers that would at least let me function properly for the rest of the day. With a blush on my face I averted my gaze, ever obedient to my discomfort, and I once again locked eyes with Chiaki. She looked livid. Obviously whatever she thought she'd gain from her 'accident' did not coincide with what had actually happened.

"Chiaki-san, there's no reason for you to remain. I've taken care of everything. You may go and eat what remains of your lunch."

He kept his eyes trained on the second sleeve and I had to again turn in another direction to avoid her penetrating stare. Looking at the other boys it seemed that they had recovered from the commotion and were doing a rather poor job of hiding their smiles. I had to assume Chiaki's embarrassment was greater than my own as her and her friends stalked off in the uncomfortable silence.

"Well," Yahaba said after Oikawa finished with my sleeves, "that was more eventful than every lunch period combined."

There was a round of laughter, the light kind that helps your muscles settle down after being tense, and before I could say an awkward farewell Oikawa pulled my elbow gently to begin our walk back to my classroom. He gave a curt nod to the foursome still seated and steered us out of the lunch room.

As soon as we reached the hall his pace slowed considerably and his hand released the comfortable grip it had on me. The adrenaline I'd felt during the encounter began to dissipate allowing the emotions it had kept at bay to come crashing down.

' _I knew this would happen. I knew if I so much as stood next to him there would be some sort of backlash.'_ I looked up at Oikawa, noticed the grim set of his mouth, and looked away. This was something we had both seen coming, although knowing the future didn't mean you could do anything to change it. It certainly didn't make you immune to it.

"I'm sorry."

It shouldn't have, but his sudden words startled me.

"S-sorry? Why?"

He stopped and stared down at me for a moment before a rueful smile, a mockery of even his most sarcastic smirk, spread across his lips.

"If I wasn't me this wouldn't have happened."

I let that sit in my mind for a moment. If Oikawa Tooru was just that, instead of 'The Oikawa Tooru', there would be no unbridled jealousy to, say, cause a person to attack me with their lunch tray in the cafeteria. It was a statement, not only true, but remarkably sad. How would that sit on my shoulders? To be the underlying origin of someone's suffering?

What's more, how would you even begin to remedy the situation? Would you feel as if the 'you' that had been slowly cultivated in life was the wrong choice? Perhaps you would think the person you had become was a mistake if it ended up causing pain. I wondered if that's how he felt when he'd found me the previous Thursday- if that's how he felt again today. It made my heart hurt fiercely, physically, to imagine him shouldering the blame for what Chiaki did. It didn't matter who he was, a person's actions were their own.

I could see the downhearted look in his eyes, still knowing that in a few hours he would somehow make it disappear. His mask would slide into place and he would function just as he always had with this self-condemnation pushed beneath. He would try to suffer silently to reduce the burden I might have from the bullying. ' _Don't do that, please don't do that, I'm not worth that.'_

Angry, butterflies spawned from muk pushed around my stomach. The thought was par for the course, something I'd experienced before with depression, but it felt more true than it ever had. I was hiding that part of myself from him. I hid the darkness and only showed him what I wanted him to see and he had no idea. He was willing to face his own constant deprecation for my situation when he had half of the information. He couldn't decide if it, if I, was truly worth the trouble because he just _didn't know anything_.

I took his hand desperately, the dark and self-hating part of me feeling like it would be one of the last times I could do so, and held on tightly.

"Kawa-chan, none of that was your fault. _It wasn't._ " I squeezed his hand for emphasis.

I could see his surprise in my action. It was rare for me to initiate touch between us. Still, it wasn't enough to remove the doubt from his face. A pink blush began to bloom across my cheeks and I closed the distance between us. My arms locked around his waist and my head rested on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat stutter for a moment as it set a new pace and smiled. It felt so nice, better than I would have ever assumed, and though I wanted to continue having moments like this, I couldn't deny my duty any longer.

He had proven so many times, this day alone, that his attentions toward me were genuine. I had been putting off sharing my history with him to keep feeling as good as he made me feel but now it felt too selfish. More than wanting his affection, I wanted to keep him from being hurt, whether it was blaming himself for anything that happened to me, or confusing him with my erratic emotions.

"I have something I need to tell you." I whispered.

* * *

WHOA a whole chapter without time lapses? No. Way. Also, I bet you thought she was going to kiss him. HAH! (well...just wait


	19. Chapter 19

Okay, so I didn't get this in under the month mark, but AT LEAST it came out before the new year. I'm counting that as progress. ALSO, I had ( _had_ ) to read all 90+ freaking chapters of LilweenGalatrass' Bokuto fanfic Sowlmates!

BTW Lilween, I kept you in mind when writing this chapter. I hope it pleases you!

murasakibaras: thank YOU! I appreciate your support and I'm so so glad you enjoy reading this. I'll be posting my Kuroo fic tonight or tomorrow hopefully!

Kimimakku: WOW, I'm so freaking happy you binged this story. I also had a hard time with Oikawa initially but I think Furudate does a good job of showing that each team has their own merits. I enjoy thinking of Oikawa as the type of character I depict him as in this story. Someone who feels so much pressure that his facade becomes someone who can handle that pressure. I hope your writing has been going well.

xxXsilverXxx: Thank you for sticking with me and all my sporadic updates!

jungkookies: (*´ω｀*) OMG you are fantastic and I love you. You are forever signed up for free with an unlimited pass!

yukki-kouhai: I saw you reviewed at chapter 10 and I really hope the story has continued to be relatable! Thank you so much for your comments.

The conversation between Oikawa and Himari in this chapter is very personal so I hope you guys like it

Disclaimer: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

* * *

Chapter 19

In This Together

It was Friday and that was an issue for three reasons.

First, his phone refused to send his brother the most recent pictures he took of Takeru at the last Lil Tykes practice he went to. Taro had been sending him increasingly rude messages about it, steadfastly ignoring any explanation in favor of further harassment.

Second, he had been forced to skip his normal lunch routine to discuss his future with a counselor. No one had considered telling him to think about leaving the volleyball club and focus on his studies as they had with Makki and Mattsun. The job of the counselor when it came to him had been merely to help the coach contact the right scouts and send them the proper information.

Oikawa had already assumed there would be scouts at the coming tournament but he held back his irritation as the counselor spoke. It was the same conversation he'd received from his coach about representing the school in the proper way and making sure to lead the team. The same script adults tended to give over and over as if Oikawa had trouble understanding the first time.

The whole meeting had, in his opinion, been a waste of time.

Lastly, it was _Friday_ and Naka-chan had yet to divulge any information to him. Initially he had been given a vague explanation about setting aside time outside of school to talk which seemed reasonable enough. Reason did nothing, however, to keep his thoughts from ricocheting at every angle in his mind. Just what could be so sensitive that it would cause her to all but run from him if he attempted to talk to her alone?

It hurt, he wouldn't lie about that, to see the look of regret on her face when she pulled away Monday afternoon. As if she thought opening up to him was a mistake. The thought weighed on him for two days before Iwa-chan growled out that he was being selfish. He might have gone overboard whining to his best friend but he was glad he did. Friends were supposed to tell your when you were being insufferable.

More than that, he was able to put the situation into the proper perspective: there was something difficult Naka-chan wanted to tell him. How he felt about waiting to hear it didn't matter. Her willingness to share something with him was a gift and no one who wasn't a complete tool complained about receiving a gift.

But it was still so _hard_ to wait. His theories ranged from the more outrageous- Naka-chan being some sort of undercover spy- to her confessing her feelings for him. The latter was the most appealing, for obvious reasons, even though he felt he'd need to douse himself with a bucket of water every time he thought about it.

"Hey, dumbass, stop spacing out and help us clean up!" Hajime's voice ended up being just as effective as water.

"Awe man, you shouldn't have mentioned space. You know how hard Oikawa gets for sci-fi.*

Oikawa glared at Makki, opening his mouth for a retort when Mattsun walked by casually.

"You guys talking about Oikawa's alien shirt?"

"One time! I wore it _once_!" He had intended to sound more irritated and less whiney but did not succeed.

"Oikawa-kun?"

The laughter and heckling died down immediately and the group turned to Naka-chan. She hadn't used his nickname and she was staring at the floor but his face burned with a blush all the same. He threw the closest ball he could at Makki before responding.

"What can I do for you Naka-chan?"

He was not doing 'casual' well. Talking with her in front of Iwa-chan and Sato-chan at lunch was one thing, talking in front of his other teammates felt weird. They weren't part of the conversation, they were an audience.

"Will you walk me home today?"

Oikawa's heart thumped so hard he paused to see if anyone heard it. He swallowed, mouth suddenly dry.

"Of course. Just wait a few minutes while I finish cleaning-"

"We'll take care of it." Hajime called.

"We will?"

"No we won't"

Iwa-chan glared at Makki and Mattsun respectively and they flinched away. Turning back to Oikawa Iwaizumi nodded.

"I guess I'll grab my things."

"I'll wait outside the club rooms."

As they walked away they ignored the whistles directed at them and the subsequent cries of pain.

"Oikawa, wait one minute." Iwaizumi called.

Hesitant, Oikawa hung back, waiting for Iwa-chan to approach him. Hanamaki and Matsukawa, recovered from their beatings, were shooed away by Iwa-chan with threats of violence should they attempt to eavesdrop. Oikawa raised a brow.

"So." Iwaizumi spoke first.

"So."

Awkward sighs rushed out in unison doing nothing to relieve the sudden tension suddenly sprouting between them. Iwa-chan shuffled from side to side before his captain, unsure of how to say what he wanted. He had known Mari would be revealing her past today, she had told him as much, and he trusted his friend to handle the situation with the necessary care, but he felt a strong need to preface the coming conversation.

"So. Himari is going to talk to you today."

Oikawa's stomach moved like jello. Did that mean that Iwa-chan already knew what Naka-chan was going to say? He held his question, knowing there was more his vice captain had to say.

"There are things she's going to tell you that I already know and you're going to be uncomfortable when you hear them. No matter how uncomfortable you feel, she's going to feel it tenfold. Please, just listen without talking. No matter what your decision is after, anything you've had questions about for the past few months will be answered."

His stomach was no longer jello. It was lead. All of his previous whimsical notions as to what Naka-chan was going to tell him caught fire, burning to nothing and leaving the taste of ash in his mouth. He thought of what could make him uncomfortable and felt sick. There were too many options, none of them favorable to the other. Instictually he turned toward the exit to the club room, Nakahara's figure long gone.

"Breathe, Oikawa."

A heavy, calloused hand fell onto his shoulder, sliding away slowly as Iwa-chan left to join their teammates. ' _Right. Breathe.'_

* * *

Oikawa took longer than expected to return from the club room leaving me too many moments alone to become a nervous, pacing mess. I had taken one of my anxiety pills, the ones to be used as needed, in preparation for the panic-inducing conversation I was about to have. It kept the worst emotions at bay, allowing me to function like a pot of water on a stove. My water temperature was just below boiling. No matter how much the surface wanted to break and move, it remained still.

My usual coping mechanism was to ignore the emotion completely, walk away from the pot with no care as to whether it boiled over or not. In a perfect world, and after years of therapy, I would be mentally healthy enough to turn off the heat, to deal with what was causing the emotion, but I wasn't there yet. I was at the stage where you think you're handling it, but you aren't. I ignored one emotion and in turn every other emotion. I was a human husk with a black hole at the center. It let me speak freely about anything I wanted and left the aftershocks for my future self to handle.

As it was, I had the necessary medication to assist me. A band-aid, a crutch, until I was strong enough.

A slow creak caught my attention and I looked up to see Oikawa stepping outside. His eyes were wide like a deer caught in headlights and I had an inkling as to who put that look on his face.

"Did Hajikun talk to you?"

He froze, a guilty look gracing his face.

"Yeah, he said a few things."

I exhaled a short hiss through my teeth, annoyed. I was sure Hajikun hadn't said anything on the topic of my past but whatever he had said to Oikawa had twisted him up. We were meters away from each other and I could still see his tension.

"Breathe, Kawa-kun."

He chuckled and I heard him take in air quickly. When he let it out his posture was much more relaxed.

"Shall we?" I asked.

Wordlessly, he stepped to my side and we made our way to the school exit. Glancing down at our hands I saw his twitch a little. Maybe he wanted to hold hands, I hadn't let us get close enough to one another to do so since Monday. Even though I wanted to ease any doubts he had about my affections toward him I didn't feel comfortable enough to do so. Not when I was about to bring up something like rape.

Without intending to, my lips pressed into a thin line. That was just one of the things he would be signing up for if we continued going down the path we were on. There would be times, I knew, where intimacy would be off the table with no clear explanation as to why but for the feeling it gave me at that moment. That itself would be difficult to experience, let alone any of the other behaviors I had due to my past.

"Naka-chan?" Oikawa's voice was subdued.

Glancing over I saw the renewed crease between his eyebrows. I should have known that with his gift for observation he would have seen my growing discomfort.

"How did you meet Hajikun?"

It was obviously not the response he thought he'd get, he wasn't alone. I was as taken aback as he was but recovered much faster when I realized why the question flew from my mouth. The words were purely procrastinatory- searching for some semblance of normalcy between us before I broke it all again. When his surprise was muffled enough to reply he smiled warmly.

"It feels like we've always known each other. I introduced him to volleyball-"

"You mean _forced_ him into volleyball."

"Rude! It's rude to interrupt during such a touching story, Naka-chan." He pouted but continued. "As I was saying, I _introduced_ him to volleyball. Of course, I'm sure I came on strong. I'm not sure why he kept agreeing, but he did so I kept asking."

"Lend the eaves and have the main house taken."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, but you know how much older my brother is than me. I was begging for attention. From that time onward we were close. I barely remember the years before our friendship. I think it shaped both of us into what we are. I am who I am now because I felt comfortable enough with a friend like Iwa-chan by my side."

They brown of his eyes seemed to absorb the light around it and reflect it back even brighter. It had been quite a while since I had last let myself be so taken in by them and I didn't fight their pull. It must have looked odd, the two of us stalled on the sidewalk staring at each other. I didn't know his reasons but it didn't matter. As far as I was concerned the moment could have been our last.

A cyclist flew by us, prematurely ending our staring contest. I realized with a heavy sigh that we were close enough to my house to begin the preamble to my past.

"I'm glad you told me that."

I didn't say, ' _At least you'll still have that after today.'_

"I'm glad you asked. I think that's the first time a girl has ever asked me that."

His shoulders were relaxed, signature look on his face. ' _I'm sorry…'_

"You once asked me the same question."

Quick as a whip, the tension sprang back between us. No doubt both remembering the panic attack that had followed when he asked me the first time. I felt a lead brick fall into place around my heart.

"I recall that, yes."

"We've only known each other for about as long as we've been in high school."

He looked surprised, which I didn't find unusual. I was sure Hajikun hadn't mentioned me at all before my first, tense introduction with Oikawa.

"Don't be too upset with him, he wasn't hiding our friendship on purpose. Those are just the rules of the support group."

Oikawa sucked in a breath then, telling me that at least he knew enough about the trauma group to know that something serious brought me there. ' _I wish that would make this easier.'_ We reached the gate to my house and I pushed through, pausing my explaination long enough for us to move through the house to the backyard.

Out of habit or from nerves I scooped up the stray volleyball that never left the yard and moved to the bench. I huddled over it protectively and looked at the ground.

"I told you before that I suffered an 'injury' that prevented me from pursuing volleyball. That's not entirely true. I made it sound like it was a knee or shoulder injury."

A warm presence settled to my left. The air felt heavy, cloying and suffocating. Another leaden brick fell into place.

"I'll start from the beginning. I played in junior high and I was doing just fine. Haru was in his last year of high school at the time. Some of our matches were held on the same days, it was a fairly common occurrence. My parents and Haru didn't make it to my match before it ended- late in order to surprise me with Hinata who had come to visit.

Before I boarded the bus I realized my phone was in the locker room and went back for it. Alone. I didn't realize someone had come in behind me. A stranger blocked my exit."

I took a shaky and dared a glance at Oikawa. He was looking at me with a carefully blank expression. It would have been concerning on his otherwise playful face on a different day, in a different conversation. As it was, a lack of outward emotion was better for me. I wasn't telling my story for entertainment or pity. I didn't need gasps of shock or a shoulder to cry on. He was serious as he needed to be for me and for that I was thankful.

"I had already started to call my brother when the stranger attacked. It's probably what helped them find me so fast, whatever they heard on their end. He turned the lights off as he moved so I was spared having to look too closely at him as he groped me. When he took off my shorts I threw up but he was covering my mouth so it had nowhere to go. I was choking when he started raping me."

My voice had grown quiet, meek with an emotion I was too familiar with. Shame. Every time I had to tell my story, to relive it in some way, there was always shame. I hated the sticky feeling of it, like no matter how much washing or scrubbing I did I couldn't get it off. It stuck to me inside and out black like tar and toxic. The anxiety medication had the forethought to take prevented me from breaking down but my eyes still burned with tears.

"I'm almost done, I promise. I was blacking out when my family found me before he could, you know, before he finished." I shuddered away the nausea rising. "The stranger went to prison. I stayed home from school for a while. Everyone thought I was healing until Haru found me burning myself. I have scars on my hip, bad ones from hurting the same spot over and over. Not long after that I went to my first support group meeting.

I attend those and see a therapist a few times a month or as needed. I take medication for PTSD and anxiety. I took emergency anxiety medication before we this conversation. I know I'm speaking faster now but I had to tell you this, all of it, because I like you. I like you so much that it scares me and I think you like me too. You deserve to know everything before you get in too deep."

That was it. The final moments in which Oikawa would weigh his options and decide if I was worth it. If he would want to help me carry my baggage until I could slowly rid myself of it. If he could add another layer to his life that required attention and thought. I stared at my hands, limp in my lap, and felt the final bricks wall up my heart. The decision was obvious.

"I-"

Oikawa cut himself off, clearing his throat. ' _Look at him. Look at him. Look at him.'_ I forced my head to turn to the side, rusted gears being forced into motion. His hands were raised and shaking while the rest of him was rigid. He could have made a convincing statue if not for his eyes. They pulled the air right from my lungs.

Watery and wide they were unwavering. They looked directly at me with such purpose, with pupils so small his irises took my attention and held it solidly _there_. They hadn't been chocolate brown as I had so easily thought before. They weren't honey or russet or chestnut. They were a brown outside of any description where you might think there was an undertone of red or gray or, astoundingly, even purple. There was no simple classification for them other than the fact that they were _his_.

Hands still in in the air his lips moved again.

"I want to-" a thick swallow, "can I hold you?"

I couldn't say then that I had given any thought as to what his reaction would be. My mind had been focused on how I could prepare myself for the inevitable demise of our flirtation. No part of me had considered that he would remain by my side, certainly not that he would want to be close to me.

As I returned his stare and found nothing but resolution I let myself entertain the idea of saying 'yes'. I could sink into his touch and let his hands run through my hair, combing away the anxiety. I could finally take a deep breathe after a day of near hyperventilation while I agonized over this very moment. The prickle of tears returned to my eyes as I moved my head, a tiny nod of affirmation.

He moved slowly but with purpose, leaning halfway to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer. In one merciful moment the distance between us was obliterated. I let myself clutch his vest and revel in the arm around my waist, the fingers already brushing through my hair taking care to from scalp to tip. His cheek rested on the top of my head and I felt our heartbeats stutter against one another trying to find the same rhythm.

"You are so strong," he whispered, "you are _so strong_."

I could have laughed. I would have to diffuse the weight surrounding us but the laughter never came. Tears did. Fat, hot tears that made seeing impossible spilled past my lashes without warning.

"I can't imagine the bravery it took to tell me that, to relive that, but I am grateful that you did. I'm selfish enough to want to know everything about you and nothing, _nothing_ could make me feel different."

He moved his hands to my shoulders, pushing us apart so he could cradle my face in his hands. His thumbs worked quickly to wipe away the tears that came. I could barely make out that the whites of his eyes were redder than before. Blinking a little more cleared my vision enough to see his wet eyelashes. The smile that outshined the sun grew on his face and warmed me from the inside out.

"Mari-chan, I'm afraid too, of how much I like you, but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to become an important person to you, one you can go to for anything. I want to be one of the reasons you're happy. And I don't mind getting in too deep because while I'm next to you I don't think I could ever drown."

My skin felt so hot I could have believed I was sunburned. ' _Is it possible to be so happy it_ hurts _?'_ In response my heartbeat thudded through me creating an ache in my chest. Out of habit my hands went to cover the blush covering my face but Oikawa's hands were still there. I grasped his wrists instead.

"I can't handle it when you're genuine like that." I mumbled out.

Oikawa laughed freely moving his hands away from my face and fluidly grabbing my own.

"Are you embarrassed, Mari-chan?"

If there hadn't been an obvious blush on his cheeks I would have been more irritated by his teasing.

"You have no idea. At least you'll feel the same when I tell Hajikun how you confessed."

Coming down from the stress and panic and subsequent joy I felt giddy. I laughed as I spoke feeling lighter than I had in months. His eyes widened in a manner that looked nearly painful.

"You wouldn't!"

"Maybe, maybe not."

I laughed more heartily accompanied by his signature whine. We lapsed into a comfortable silence then and my gaze traveled down to our hands. His thumbs ran smoothly across my knuckles in a simple display of affection. I remembered my aversion to touch before our conversation began and it felt silly. Holding hands with him felt safe, like a tether that could prevent me from falling off of the many cliffs my mind created.

It wasn't necessarily wrong of me to think that he might not want to pursue our relationship further, I wouldn't blame anyone for stepping back after learning something so traumatic. I thought, with a little guilt, that maybe I hadn't given Oikawa the full benefit of the doubt. Focused solely on myself and my feelings I had no room to take his into consideration.

"So, how do you feel, I mean, about…"

"I told you, it doesn't change anything for me."

I brought my head up again.

"I believe you. I do, but I want to know what you were feeling while I was talking. I think- well, I want to ask, you looked like you might have cried?"

There would never be a time when his look of embarrassment wouldn't endear him to me. He pulled a hand away to run it through his hair.

"Oh, that."

I waited, as he had when I paused during my story, and held his hand in silence. He looked away and cleared his throat again.

"I was terrified. I felt so sad and so _angry_ that it terrified me. Then suddenly I felt so grateful. You, well, to be honest you have always confused me. I've never met a woman like you and because of that I did everything I could to make sure not to scare you away. Iwa-chan could have buried me when I told him how I felt for you, bringing up my, um, 'track record' with girls in the past.

Regarding you, though, I felt the need to change my approach entirely. I've been doing my best to attempt to read your body language to know what's okay and what isn't. It's because of who you are and how singularly unique my feelings are toward you that I've tried to follow your cues and, after learning what I have, I'm thankful that you are who you are. For bringing that out in me because I can't stand the idea of making you uncomfortable."

There are moments in life during which we take for granted the brain's capability to keep our body functioning. To keep us breathing when we hear something that surprises us. To keep our heart beating when we feel like time has stopped. To keep our eyes focused on the images in front of us. All I could do in that moment was hope that my brain could record every second so I could feel everything again.

I was made aware of my own breathing again when I let out a shuddered breath. I hadn't thought at all about his approach. There, of course, had been rumors that Hajikun himself had used to warn me against Oikawa, but I never felt like he had been overly physical. He was less physical with me than he was with Hajikun. I didn't realize it was a conscious choice for him.

"So, now that our awkward confessions are out of the way, what now?"

I seemed to have flipped a switch in him. The light in his eyes flickered to their highest setting.

"We go on a date!"


End file.
